4500 miles, $400 to get there $3000 in new debt, and on 03 Oct a voice saying “Shut up and Drive”. All this, at a time I was supposed to be purchasing a round trip ticket back to Europe for the first ever festival of Red Krokodil in Nice France, and first cinema premiere 2 weeks later in Rome, Italy.

I hadn’t even been back from Europe a Month. When I arrived I had already paid for hotels in 2 cities that are normally good money makers for me. I made sure (unlike when I returned from India, almost 2 years before) that I had made sure all my t’s were crossed and all my I’s dotted, to ensure the transition back would not be so devastating. But, how did everything go so devastatingly wrong? How could I feel more lost at the end of this trip than I did the last time?

As I pulled into South Beach on September 30th, I had made enough to still be at about balance. And everything came to a halt. As I reversed into a parking spot, I felt and heard my engine take a jump. I knew it was not good. It was a Sunday. I was only supposed to be in Sobe for 2 nights, but I could extend in my current hotel for another night. Monday morning I got my truck into the shop, only to find out that it was my transmission and it would take 5 days to have it fixed… oh and $2400.

Within only a few hours, someone came forward that offered to allow me to stay with them in their ocean view apt for free, and allow me to see clients while I was there…. But Sobe had quickly proven itself to be a city for me to build clients. I even had a potential client say “Why should I pay your rate for only a massage, when I can pay an Illegal Mexican a fraction of that and have him do whatever I want?” I was sickened and had never been so offended in probably all of my life. Sickened as to how much of a reflection this really was on a part of the gay community and how they see ok to treat others. No wonder why we can’t get equal rights to love who we want to love, when part of the community is still just wanting to have sex with whomever they want.

I knew my transmission was going to take all my cash, max finish maxing out one credit card and max out a second. Even with what had just transpired with this last potential client, I was hopeful I would make enough off clients to not have to borrow any money from anyone. I was glued to my computer screen, constantly checking emails, and reaching out to anyone who was showing even the slightest interest. I was desperate and living completely in a state of lack.

I guess after coming out of filming Red Krokodil, I was still stuck in part of my past, I had not yet healed some of the deepest darkest places within my own being. Instead of knowing my own light, I was lost in what seemed like an abyss of darkness and lack. I couldn’t find the light of abundance because once again I was looking for it outside myself instead of looking within… for within was painful.

5 more days in South Beach, magical sunrises every morning and only twice did I spend any time at the beach. I was scared of my future, and living in the past instead of living in the moment. On Saturday the 3rd I had a photo shoot with a photographer in Fort Lauderdale. In the raw images, I saw someone who was skinny and empty. With the most simple of comments I was at the verge of tears. I was angry. That afternoon, driving back from the shoot, I got in an argument with my mom. My head was spinning, my body was a pulsating mound of volatile emotion ready to be set off at any moment: and that’s when I heard it.. “SHUT UP AND DRIVE!!!”

I called the guy I was staying with, checked what I had in available ($400 cash and credit), loaded up my stuff and at 8 pm on Sat 03Oct, I was driving north towards Tampa. I had had 2 clients (a couple) who had appointments booked for that night. And, let me tell you… the 300 I would have made would have made the next leg of my journey much easier; but, I had to cancel. I didn’t even know what light was much less be in a place to share my own light with someone else, and the voice said shut up and drive, not take these clients and leave in the morning… “SHUT UP AND DRIVE”

I was going to keep driving till I as either too tired to drive, or I could feel like myself again. And honestly, I wasn’t counting on feeling like myself anytime soon, so I just continued to drive. I finally pulled into a rest area and decided it was time to stop. I reclined my chair and fell asleep. It was about 3:30 am. 7am, I awoke and was on the road again. Around 2 I stopped at a small ocean side city to see a dear friend of mine and wonderful healer. After catching up, she had me lay back on her table, and I immediately began to release whatever was there, and integrate some of the most magical energies I had ever seen or felt before.

I calculated that I had enough money to rent a hotel suite in New Orleans for 2 nights: enough tim to allow me to take some clients and try to make some money. After paying for the hotel, gas to get me that far and some groceries: my $400 was now down to $20. I began booking clients, and by the time I left New Orleans, I had enough money to get me to Houston, pay for 4 nights in a hotel leaving me with yet again $20… still $3000 in debt. Next stop Dallas (Ft Worth actually) to spend a few days with family and see some regulars in the area.

Because I was so far gone from the man I normally am, because I was so lost in the darkness i felt within, my own family barely knew who I was. My nephew… my little guy, my little me even felt it. I remember the way he let up when he first saw his uncle, but I felt so empty, I didn’t even have anything to give him, except some quiet cuddle time here or there… no playing, no games, and no guys night out. It broke my heart that I was so far gone that I couldn’t even be there for him.

By the time I got there though, one of my credit cards was partially paid off, and half of the $1000 loan was also now paid. I could have paid off the rest of the loan, but didn’t want left with only $20 again. It was time to invest in my own abundance. That next weekend, a hotel was rented for 4 nights in Austin, and by the end, credit card number one was now paid off, and so was the loan.

Still lost and confused, I stand with my mom in the kitchen. Coming up on the date of the Showing of Red Krokodil at the festival in Nice, I was really resenting the fact that instead of going back to France I was about to leave for Phoenix. Going back to California (in my mind) was a sign of me failing. Regardless of how many  amazing things had happened over the last 5 months, no matter what the experiences I had gained and the places I had seen, the only thing I could see and feel was going back to California and failure. Mom tried to insist that I could stay there and get myself back on my feet. And it was hard, I knew she may never understand, but if I stopped then, it was over. I had to keep going, I had to keep moving forward, I couldn’t stop. I knew that what I was feeling inside was still to powerful to stop and feel. I had to keep moving. Within a few days I drove on to Phoenix for 4 more days of work.

On October 30th, 27 days after leaving South Beach I pulled into Long Beach. A friend had a room I could stay and see clients from. On the 31st, I sat on the couch and did nothing. I watched tv, I didn’t even unpack. I did notify clients I would be there for a week. By the next day, I began to get settled into the idea of being back in Cali, but had no idea what that meant. I was out of Debt… credit cards, loans everything paid off… By “Shutting Up and Driving” I had made enough to get myself out of debt, pay for hotels, gas and a few nights of fun all the way across the US, with about $400 left to my name in cash. Not bad. Every stop had its own difficulties. Every stop provided opportunities to step back into my own light and allow myself to heal. Every stop was proof positive that I was exactly where I needed to be  to allow myself to absorb and grow from the experiences that had transpired over the last 6 months.

That next day, Nov 1st… out and about, I contacted my old neighbor to see if he was available to go for a walk. This was something we used to do any time I was in town. He came and met me and we walked up to the beach. We laughed, we talked, and in the midst of it all… the familiarity of an old friend, the sound of waves unlike anywhere else in the world and a place I once called home, I found it… I found my happy.

6 months traveling across the US, around Europe, and back across the US, all it took was a simple walk in a place called home to remember who I was. Coming back to Point I didn’t mean that I had failed, it meant a journey had come full circle and now it was time to step out in what would become another journey. Where my life is going, where I will end up, and what any of it will look like, I have no idea… but that’s ok. Today I know that no matter what happens, I am who I am, and once again, I love who I am. I am not afraid to move forward, because I have already stepped back into my past and healed another aspect of myself. Today, I am more of who I am than I ever have been. And today I am one day closer to fulfilling that of my purpose… Whatever that may be!!! And why… because I finally remembered to listen to that voice, despite all my disbelief and self doubt… and I “Shut Up and Drove!!!”

Have A Great Day (or not) You Choose