Lost, confused broken and in total disbelief I found myself stranded in Paris. 8 beautiful days, and I now off to meet a man I had been speaking with for over the last year though online chat, IM, and Skype. A romance that could one day be told as the modern day fairytale, to end up nothing more than a fairytale of my own mind. During that year, we shared some of the most intimate stories of our lives, and I opened up in a way I had never done before. Maybe it was because, at first there was probably no chance of ever meeting, or maybe because as a hopeful romantic I believe in the fairytale as something we all still deserve.

Over the course of the weeks preceding my flight from Paris to Austria, our communication had subsided, and he began becoming very distant. Numerous times I received an insight within myself to change my flight, that something had shifted, but I didn’t listen. I knew that if I walked away and didn’t go, I would always wonder, “what if”.  And to me, What IF is what regret is made of, so I turned off that voice and pushed forward (not a good combo). But that inner voice was trying to tell me something.

Still feeling the impact of reliving the life of an addict in my role, in the movie Red Krokodil, I needed to believe that I was worth loving. See it wasn’t just a role, and parts of that addict I portrayed on the screen still lives within me. No matter how spiritual I become or how much work I have done, there is still a voice inside me that tells me my past makes me unlovable: my past is still who I am, and who could ever love that person.

The morning arrived to head to the airport. I wasn’t even sure if he was going to be on the other end to pick me up, but what happened next, makes that irrelevant. I had the instructions on how to arrive at the airport written down. I confirmed the directions with the ticketing agent and even asked someone at the boarding deck for the train if it was the right train I was getting on. Once on, I could feel something wasn’t right… 15 mins go by before the first stop. When I look at the train route, somehow with all the preparation and all the questions I was going in the wrong direction. I jumped off the train, and asked for directions to the correct boarding dock to get where I needed to go. I stand there waiting, along with another young couple who had also gotten on the wrong train. 30 mins go by and the train we were waiting for never came. Come to find out, I we were given the wrong directions again. By the time we arrived back where we had started an hour had gone by. I still continued on to the airport hoping there was a miracle waiting for me. There was, but not as I had hoped. I missed my flight, and because I was late, my ticket was completely non refundable and to get on a later flight I would have to purchase another ticket. Not knowing if, in fact, this guy was even going to be on the other end to pick me up, I finally listed to that voice. I was never supposed to be no that flight to begin with and deep down I knew it.

Luckily during the first 8 days in Paris, I used most of that time to meet people and become one with the city. With no phone I showed up at the boutique of one of the guys I met, and asked if the couch he had offered if I ever ended up back in Paris was still available? He asked what happened and lovingly opened up his home to a complete stranger. Within hours, I was connected with a fb friend of his who was about to go on holiday. A huge 1 bedroom apt was available for rent, and he let me rent it for only 200 Euros/week and a complimentary Reiki session.

But even with how everything seemed to be falling into place, I couldn’t help but fall into what seemed like a depression and attachment to that of my brokenness. Over the course of the next couple weeks, he never even returned an email. I would barely leave the apartment… well at least for a reason that would be seen as healthy. Feeling broken and incomplete, I began my search for validation through sex. I barely cared who it was, as long as if even for 20 mins they helped me forget about that void I was feeling inside.

I began to look at my finances and realized I wasn’t going to be able to stay in Europe, but I had to. I knew this couldn’t be it, but how. Blessed to have a trade that can go anywhere and finding an apt in Paris big enough to begin doing my healing work I purchased a massage table. Still stuck in the isolation of my mind, broken and in pain, I began taking clients. Ego aside, the energy would flow through me. One after another, experiences were shared. Through others I began to remember who I was. 2 weeks came and went, and I knew I wasn’t supposed to leave yet, I wasn’t ready…. I still had healing I had to do within myself. During that 2 weeks I made a couple thousand Eros, enough to rent yet another apt for 2 more weeks. This time, from an amazing guy from NY who had traveled the world living on people’s couches, setting up home in Paris, not knowing the language at all when he started. I was no longer taking as many clients, but the language barrier kept me in a place of isolation. I was forced to begin reentering the city. Funny thing about Paris, for me, is no matter what I felt inside, the second I began walking the streets, I would fall in love all over again. There was a flow, a life force of elegant vibration that would exude the streets and the buildings. Every time one would turn around, there would be something to see that would take your breath away. Somehow I began meeting more people, even going out on a few dates. Random sex was no longer an option. I was somehow remembering that I was worth more.

I did have a couple more clients while there. One: a young Roman actor going through his own on a journey of his own lay on my table. By the end of the session, tears were flowing down his face. He didn’t know why or where they were coming from, and kept apologizing. I could feel my heart open a little more. This beautiful man and I are still in touch and probably will remain lifelong friends. A couple days later, a man who had never experienced Reiki but eager to give it a try had a turn on my table. A man of probably 6’3 230lbs of muscle: again brought to uncontrollable tears, both during and after his session. We stood there with an embrace of 2 people who had known each other for a lifetime. We began to discuss the journey he too was on, and the things that came up during the session. Humbled to think that I have been given the gift of being a part of the 2 men’s life despite the pain and incompleteness I was feeling myself.

That was the last client I saw while I was in Paris. I guess it was time to go out, and allow myself to experience the love and the embrace of city that allowed me to become broken and lost in despair. I began to feel a light within come back from being lost. I began to hear the song sung to the rhythm of my own heart. I began to realize why I missed that flight. I was never supposed to be on it, and what a perfect scenario to be forced to find myself. I was stranded in a city I didn’t know the language. I was stranded in a city that no matter how isolated I felt in the grips of my own mind, my own ego: always had a glow of unequal beauty and presence. I was lost in a city that was ready to wait until I was ready to let go and surrender to the light within that has always illuminated my path no matter how dark it seemed. Within a week, I knew my journey had begun to come to an end. I booked my final tickets; I ventured out to finally submit my portfolio and who I was for representation as a model. Rejection after rejection, I could feel myself getting stronger. It no longer mattered if they liked what they saw. It no longer mattered if I had their approval. I had become who I was meant to become during this trip.

In each of our journeys we are presented with many opportunities to face what is within. We are presented with opportunities to face who we once were and allow that aspect of self to join in the light of whom and what we always were.

During this time I began to work on writing a song. Only the first verse has been written, but I thought I would share the lyrics:

I don’t know, where I’m going

I don’t know, where this path may lead

I don’t know what the world has in store

But what I know is who I AM

This song and these words continue to pore through my being, like the soft whisper of an Angel. It is within these words that I know, like I know my name that I don’t need to know or understand what is going on around me, for as long as I continue to seek light: light in me, and in all people and things around me… what I will find, is my path.

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose