2^nd chance to get it RIGHT… Finishing up a client in Dallas a few days ago, I was loading my table into the back of my truck. Out of nowhere I noticed a specific smell in the air. I paused to figure out what the smell was. Then it hit me…

11 years ago got rid of all my belongings, I in Denver, to go on a 3 week road trip cross country to Florida, hoping to start over. Running from what my life had begun. I had only received my HIV+ test result only 7 months before. I was in denial, not of being HIV+, but of the emotions that came with it. I had already begun dealing drugs as a means to subsidize my own drug use. Only 3 years ago, I wasn’t following a calling or fulfilling my purpose but running from the life I had learned to despise and the person I had become.

The smell of the city, as the heat of the streets meets the cool moisture of the night air. It was a smell that came around about the time we were running around, sometimes 4-5 nights a week, making sure we were all heading to the right clubs, making sure that we had all of our supplies, & making sure we had everything we needed to have fun… TO HAVE FUN???

All at once, the emotions were coming over me once again. Once again I was the “me” that had the decision to face my truth or hide. At first, I’m not going to lie; I immediately went to my old stomping grounds. I walked around. I cruised for someone to validate who I was. Then as quickly as it hit, I began to breathe and look around. I began to look within. This is not who I am anymore. I no longer have to seek for something or someone to make me complete or for validation. I continued to walk around for a time, just observing, experiencing all that I am, and experiencing that I do have the ability to hold onto my vibration no matter where I am, or what is going on. It became clear to me that I am worth more than a one night stand, or false validation from someone who probably won’t even remember my name the next day. I am worth waiting for that one who I have a connection beyond that of physical attraction. I am worth waiting for that person who is complete within himself who is not looking for me to fix them or fill a void in their life, but share in the completeness of both of our lives. I am worth the fairytale.

Going back to my mom’s house, head spinning I went to bed. I woke up to an amazing weekend, helping my wonderful little nephew celebrate his 7^th birthday. He is truly my little guy. In so many ways I see myself in him, but at the same time a individual searching for who he is, and to know he is worth the love of those around him, still unsure of what unconditional love is. A night out with friends, taking him with me was amazing. These are friends I met and worked with at the end of my addiction. Sitting around, a couple married with a child of their own, some dating, all of us sober, laughing, reminiscing and having a good time. We realized we had known each other for 8 years this summer. Wow… So many changes, so much growth, so much truth has been discovered: not just in me, but in everyone.

Tomorrow, I will finally make it beyond TX, in my journey cross country. This time I am not running, but stepping out in faith. I am finally saying yes to the life I was meant to live. Finally I am saying yes to who I am and that of my purpose.

When I stepped out on this journey cross country, I thought it was a journey into my future, I had no idea that to move into my future, I would have to walk through that of my past to truly find out if I am ready for what is about to come. Have I truly done the work on my past, or have I simply suppressed all that was to forge a truth of who I am. Every day, I realize how much work I have actually done, and how much work is still left to go.

This morning, I filmed a scene for the movie Red Krokodil. I have to say, this scene couldn’t have been planned for a more fitting place. Lost in my addiction on Krokodil, I cannot move, and am obviously in some of the final stages of despair and self destruction, where hope is basically nonexistence. And, to be able to wrap that scene, knowing that it is truly no longer who and what I am, is truly a huge gift, and testament to what is possible when you are willing to do the work.

Life is never easy, for it is always about choice, at least when you are truly living and learning to become the creator of your own reality instead of just the victim of your own life.

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose