Leaving South Beach, I was excited of what was to come, not knowing the kind of lessons that were about to come my way. Quickly I found out that Orlando had nothing to offer except a bunch of guys who unfortunately don’t know the difference between sensual and sexual.

From day one, I had clients who would only book sessions if I would subject myself to the objectification and sexualizing my profession and think it was ok to treat me like an escort, or run of the mill hooker.

After describing to, way more people than I ever wished to, that paying for a massage was just that… paying to RECEIVE a massage. For some reason, and I’m pretty sure I know why, men do not seem to understand how to receive intimacy without the need to reciprocate by fulfilling their sexual desire. From the time that many of us were little, we were taught that it is not ok to feel, that any feeling other than joy or bliss is “wrong”. The result of having any sort of feeling makes most feel insecure or unsafe. As a man, the easiest way to feel safe again is to conquer sexually. Although only a temporary relief, most men don’t know anything more.

Orlando was this to a T. Very quickly I closed my books and just began preparing for Atlanta. The city in general just didn’t have a very good vibe. Out of all the cities I’ve been to so far, Orlando ranks down there with New Orleans with cities I am not looking forward to visiting again, unless just overnight to see the couple clients I did manage to work with that were more than I could have ever hoped for.

A couple years ago, heck maybe even as close as 6 months ago, I would have considered sacrificing my values and morals to make a buck. But, at this point in time, I have realized that who I am is not something that I can give up, not something any amount of money is worth. I did not work as hard, or as long as I have, to get to this place of self worth;  to allow someone else to disrespect me due to an imbalance within their own being that they are unwilling to look at.

Atlanta was quite the opposite experience and one I am looking forward to going back to many times again. No matter what the desire, the clients there were willing to let go, to allow the energy and the healing of the work I offer. It was a wonderful experience through and through. Not only was I able to create some amazing new relationships with new clients, I met some great people too. Definitely learned what Southern Hospitality was!

Every city, a new experience and a new lesson: some I look forward to visiting again, while others have simply become “been there done that” places.

Now on to NC, to meet up with my sister and her family…. WOOHOO!!!

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

13^th and Ocean: Destination of a journey once forgotten, now complete. The beginning of what I now know to be the journey of a life time now revisited after 11 years, almost to the day.

11 years ago: already involved in a life of partying and drugs, 6 months after my official HIV diagnosis, I left my home and my life in Denver CO for a 3 week road trip cross country, to start a new life in South Beach FL.

Without any idea of what I am getting into, I set out. I had already arranged the sale of all of my belonging, for my roommate at the time to complete. The money from the sale was going to cover all the expenses I would accrue during my trip and cover his airfare to meet me in South Beach. I didn’t know where I was going or the address I was to meet him at. All I knew is that his family owned property on 13^th and Ocean, and I was going to have the opportunity to start over. I had jobs lined up at 5 different possible salons doing hair. Life was going to be amazing!

But, there I was… driving into the sunset. I would drive all night, first stop Dallas to spend a week with my mom. Not knowing where I was going, and running from a life I knew was going nowhere was not a very good recipe for success. Until the furniture was sold, I had 100 tabs of E that I could sell to get me going.

When furniture was not being sold and I somehow was no longer able to get hold of my old roommate, things started going downhill quickly. I fell back into what I had learned I did well: I was back in the clubs pushing/selling what I had to be able to make it. It was only a matter of a couple weeks when I realized I probably wasn’t going to make it to FL, and meeting some of the top dealers in town that I found myself exactly where I was running from. That’s the problem of running from a life, you bring yourself with you… the life itself wasn’t the problem, I was. And: There I was.

I already didn’t have the best credit, but the one thing I did have was my rental history. I knew this was something I was going to have to maintain if I were to have any chance at all to start new. I now learned that my roommate had not sold anything. He hadn’t evacuated my apt and had not turned in the keys or even paid rent to continue on the lease. With him simply living there, it was a violation of my lease, because he was never added.  Rent was 8 days past due. Florida was no longer in my scope of possibility. I had only a few days to come up with rent or papers would be filed for my eviction.

Because I was so lost and so afraid to face who I was, I made a quick overnight to Denver. Upon arrival, I contacted an old dealer to borrow some money and get fronted some product to turn real quick to come up with to repay him: 10 days pro-rated rent, broken lease fee, month to month lease fee. All I had to do was go back to my old job, where I was told I would always have job and step back into my old life. But, I couldn’t do that… I wasn’t ready to face my truth and step into the light of who I was to allow me to begin a journey of healing.

Doing what I needed to do, I ran back to TX and began a life of denial, self deprecation, and self destruction. It wasn’t long before I was living in the bath houses and clubs. My dealing and partying became my life. I was no longer doing hair, and I thought I was living. Going from pills to powders to shooting up, it was a very quick downhill spiral quickly. I’m not sure where or when it happened but I was completely lost and addicted, not only to the drugs but the life.

I could remember having a life that was completely different, but I couldn’t remember what that looked like or how to return. As a result I kept running, to the point that it almost killed me… many times over.

That was all 11 years ago. And now I finally had the opportunity to complete that trip, on a journey now that is no longer about running from, but accepting my light from within.

When I booked my hotel I had no idea where I was, just that it was in South Beach. As I pulled up to the hotel, I realized that it was only 1 block from 13^th and Ocean. Upon checking in, I immediately went for a walk. There I was standing on the corner of the streets of a journey once forgotten. Emotion was running through my being. A sense of completion: within and in life.

Part of me arrived in that moment; somehow I could breathe a little easier. I was no longer running from anyone. I took the next few days and allow myself to experience the city and all that came with it.

Meeting a facebook friend, I was shown around the city. I only took enough clients to pay for that part of the trip and to get me on to the next leg of my journey.
4 days later: my heart was filled with ease, my breath seemed lighter, and there was a skip in my step. Walking down to the beach for one last sunrise, I was at peace. I knew that from this point on, life would never be the same, and I was eager to be on my way. South Beach was beautiful and amazing for the spirit, but not the place I would land

At this point, I have no idea where my life or my path will take me; but, I am no longer running, I am no longer searching, I am no longer seeking anything from anywhere but the light from within. I can truly look in the mirror and be in total appreciation of everything I have become and look back on the journey of the last 11 years and be in total gratitude for the gifts of understanding that is allowed me to achieve.

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

At the risk of sounding like a broken record… Wow… I have no idea where to begin….

Upon every city along this track across the country I am mesmerized and in awe of the brilliance and splendor waiting for each of us as we awaken to the possibilities and the abundance of the Universe! As a Reiki Master, I was taught by my Teacher and friend John Romeo that we are only responsible for 5% of the work. The rest is left to the universe and powers that be. Every Day seems to be another lesson in this!

It had been 2.5 years since the last time I was in Fort Lauderdale. I was just there for a softball tournament, but it was SOOO much more than that. I remember waking up the first morning around 5:30am, to walk out of the hotel and experience my first ever sunrise on the beach. The energy of the morning sun climbing off the horizon of the beautiful blue green abyss of wonder and life before me; I was soon lost in meditation. I had no idea that one could feel so alive and at peace in any given moment. I don’t even remember much about the softball tournament, but I do remember that all I wanted to do was pretty much be by myself and do my own thing. Of course, I was there with a team and we ate, played and went out together.

Those moments though, every morning, were mine. And finally, on the last day… with only a few hours before I had to be brought back to the airport for my flight home, I told the guys I was heading out to the beach… to just be alone (or so I thought). After being there for only maybe 30 mins, this really hot guy walked by, but it was more than just hot: there was something about him.

Within a matter of minutes we were deep in conversation about energy, and spiritual principals of understanding; and, before I knew it, it was time for me to head back to the hotel or I would miss my flight. This man convinced me to allow him to change my flight and pay for me to stay another night so we could continue to talk and hang out. I couldn’t believe what I was doing, but I did it. A total stranger, in physical form, but an energy I connected with in a way I couldn’t explain.

Over the course of the evening, we had an amazing time. But the next morning, we woke to check out one last sunrise. We walked along the beach and just walked: experiencing each other and all of the abundant energy and peace we both felt. I found a piece of coral that I ended up wearing around my neck for the next couple years. It was only right before I began this part of my journey that I felt it was time to release the energy that connected me to it, and gave it to someone who I know will always cherish it (or not) either way it found its way to its next owner. He saw me to the airport and we have had a few conversations since, but that one night was all it was supposed to be: for me, and for him. I still don’t know what all the meaning of everything was. Maybe it was just me learning to say yes to life, and time to stop living my life to always do what I thought was the next right thing, and begin doing what I felt was the right thing to do or direction to go.

I am now pulling into Fort Lauderdale for the first time since this last experience. I knew I wasn’t going to be busy, but was looking forward to what the city had in store for me. Meeting up with a new friend (from facebook), a few great clients, time at the beach, good drinks, and going with the flow: Fort Lauderdale was going well, but wasn’t feeling that connection to the city like I had the first time a couple years ago. But maybe, what happened a couple years ago was only for that point in time and nothing more.

But then, Monday morning things changed. I had been feeling a shift in my own energy for the last week, ever since I realized I had to make the journey cross country more than work but a personal journey of experience. I met up with a man who asked if we could meet and talk. See, a dear friend of his had been diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer. He wanted to understand the energy, and what he could do to help her. He was looking for a miracle, and I am a “Healer”

Having also just lost a daughter, also to cancer, this family was looking for a miracle. Hoping, praying, and looking for something outside of themselves for the answer, for a healing… as they were taught: they continued on the same path. Jesus himself said, “I have done nothing, for it is your belief that has made you whole”.  But, how do you make a family believe in a light that is within, the “GOD” Source that is within all of us, if their religious teachings that they have had engrained into their mind and body says and teaches otherwise? It was quickly revealed to me, my purpose in this situation was not that of the mother, but the beautiful man before me. This was a man that was open, and already well on his way to being a very beautiful light in this world and very gifted healer himself.

After talking for a couple hours, he asked if I could do a session on him, and help him connect to his own light: the light he must stand fully in, in order to see beyond the identification of broken that had been labeled onto that of his friend. Beyond the attachment to pain or illness, the only thing that any of us are is the manifestation of Light through the vibration of Love. It was a beautiful experience for both of us. I believe I will have a lifelong friend in this man. Before parting I gave him a few things that he could do with his friend to assist her, as I did not feel that I was supposed to be present, or do anything. What had to be done next was solely up to his friend. She had to leave behind what she believed and allow her own life and her own light to reconnect to the God Source that she already is. It would indeed take a miracle, but not one of someone else’s doing, but one of her own… her faith would have to turn within, and let go enough to allow herself to see who and what she really was.

Both of us on our way, I had a couple bodywork clients later in the evening, then meeting with a new friend to go over some sides for an audition tape I was asked to submit for another possible movie role.

The next morning, I was planning to meet an old friend on the beach for sunrise… well sort of. See both of us are at the point that we realize distance and time are only a matter of perception, and it is the understanding of connection that allowed us to meet. He in Long Beach, me here in South Beach: One Sun interconnected through the oneness of creation we met. But he isn’t the only person I met.

Approaching the beach I saw this beautiful woman in a pink top standing on the ocean bank, also waiting for the moment the sun would make its appearance for the day. I didn’t say anything but just kept walking. There was definitely something about here though that I couldn’t explain. She was breathtaking in vibration. She was a true beacon of inner peace and light.

I continued on my path, to quickly find a new piece of coral to turn into a new necklace for the next part of this journey. It was then that I caught myself thinking how much I wanted another picture in the water, as I did on the last adventure to Fort Lauderdale, but it wouldn’t be right to get one by myself. So I kept walking. Soon a couple Sting Rays swam up to shore for a visit. Everything was so beautiful. By now the sun was well beyond the horizon and snuggled in behind a few clouds. It was a beautiful morning.

After going back up to shore for another cup of Starbucks, I looked out and saw the woman in a pink shirt approaching. This time I couldn’t hold back and walked up to her to tell her just how much she was glowing and how beautiful she was. This went into a long conversation about our travels. She is a children’s picture book writer and song writer, Laura Duksta. She was about to head off to Knoxville, not knowing where here path will lead, but following the feeling that it was the right time and place. Knowing that as long as she follows her heart she would always be exactly where she was supposed to be, and that everything would be perfect. Sharing a couple songs, stories and adventures, she had mentioned how she had wished the dolphins would come in, just as a sign. Not knowing where it came from, I looked at her and said you know, you don’t need the dolphins to know you are already being looked out for. I guess her angels had just come in a little bit before and gave her the same message. Funny on how life brings us sign after sign, but so many times (if it’s not the sign we want) we don’t pay it any attention. Laura and I got a good laugh. Before parting ways we became facebook friends and she asked if I would mind taking a picture. How perfect is that, and as you can imagine, I was more than willing.

A little later, while packing to head out to South Beach for a few days, I received a phone call. The lady with cancer’s kidneys had given out, and my new friend wanted me to come and do a healing on her. Again, I asked if the family would be open to it, and as I thought, they said no. I took a moment, pulled out my lotus crystal (the crystal I use to do distance healing) and called her higher self in. I called in my guides for clarity in my role and asked if there was anything else I could do. I immediately saw this woman in a hospital bed. As I connected with her energy and presence, I could see and feel her heart exploding with Divine Light. Her heart was ready to merge back into the oneness for which it was. I was told to make sure my friend and the family was ready to say goodbye. Even at this point, if she chose to allow herself to be freed of all the energy that was holding her from the oneness of the “God Source” she already was, her body may not make it and recover.

The miracle to seek was not that of physical healing, but spiritual freedom. To allow her to be free of the vibration of the ego that was causing her illness. To free her of this vibration in this life would ensure that when she reincarnated into the next life, she would not bring this same lessons or the energy connected to this experience with her. When she or anyone comes back free of the major lessons they came into this life to learn in this life, it exponentially advances their spiritual growth in the next. We discussed a few more things, but mostly laughed. He asked about my journey and my story, and by the time we left I knew it would not be the last time we saw each other (or not). After all, what do we really know outside of our perception of what is, in this moment?

Although nothing like I thought Fort Lauderdale was going to be, the beauty and brilliance of this journey continues to leave me in awe. Thank you to all my new friends, and all the opportunities you offered me to grow in my own understanding of my journey and this thing we call life!!! Next stop… SOUTH BEACH…

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

A moment to pause and reflect on where I am now and the journey over the last couple weeks, or I guess not even a week. LOL…

A cancelled client, the gift of a life time, only one week ago… How could I have ever known how much such simple shift in perception would change the entire way I would look at the rest of my trip? Houston, New Orleans, Pensacola, Tallahassee, now Cocoa Beach sitting on the balcony of my Ocean Side Hotel room, I am caught in a state of ponder and amazement.

In that moment I had a choice: I could get upset or I could look at the opportunity that was presented as a result. So many times we get caught up in the: what isn’t, and what should be, or could be, that we miss the gift that is… the gift known as life in the moment. In awakening to what the possibility of that moment really was, I seized the opportunity to give a little something back to me a walk by the lake and a trip to the store. By 10pm, and 5 more 90 min sessions later, I was SOOOOOO appreciative of what had transpired. It was the moment in my trip, I realized that this trip is not only about working, it is also about experiencing the life and splendor around me.

Houston, met up with a new friend from Facebook, went to dinner, then out on the town. I can’t say that Houston is ever a place I would like to move, definitely not the energy I try to surround myself with. But, it still had its own charm. A few amazing clients each day I was there, I closed my books before I even arrived, to allow myself the opportunity to breath and experience as much or as little of the city as I wanted. I now had a choice, and was no longer a slave to work or to my ego.

On to New Orleans, a city I’d never been… well, except once. Wow, almost 20 years ago, I flew into New Orleans, on my way to Baton Rouge for the Junior Olympic Nationals. But you know, I never got to even enjoy the city. Even at 16, I had a full time job I had to get back to. I only took off enough time to fly into the city, compete and return. I honestly don’t even remember much of the city, except that the humidity was so high on the track that my number would not stay attached to my uniform… lol It was 104 on the track and 98% humidity. I thought I was going to die. But, this trip was going to be different. I was going to take time, and say yes to me… even if it meant not making as much money as I may have hoped. And that’s just what I did. I took the entire afternoon off on Monday (Memorial Day) and went down to the French Quarter. I grabbed a drink, only because I had to experience walking the streets with a drink in my hand… lol. But you know what I realized? I realized that I can stand fully in my light, in a place that is not who or what I am, and enjoy the vibration of self. I walked around for a couple hours, and with a deep breath, knew I had received what I came for.

On my way back to the hotel, I realized I was no longer going to Montgomery or Tallahassee for work: I was supposed to take the next couple days to just drive and let myself experience where spirit guides, and the beauty of my journey.

Driving though some beautiful country, Alabama and Mississippi, I arrived in FL. It had been suggested, by another Facebook friend I finally had the opportunity to meet while in New Orleans, that Pensacola was beautiful. So, I stopped. A swim in the beautiful green waters, sitting on the white sands, then cross the street to have lunch overlooking the water; I quickly knew I was not going to be stopping there for the night.

I had stopped, when I first arrived in FL, at the visitor center and picked up a sites and parks of the state booklet, and decided that Flowing Waters State Park seemed like a cool place to go… so I went. Walking through the park, I realized it would be a great place to film another scene for the movie “RED KROKODIL”, so I pulled out my tripod, and camera… got naked and started filming. Luckily I was the only person in the park so there wasn’t really a fear of getting arrested for indecent exposure. LOL, I guess there are certain risks one is willing to take to accomplish their goals.

I then got dressed and began walking around some more. I came up to the swimming lake, took some pictures and jumped in. The fish and turtles were swimming about. It has been years since I swam in an actual lake. I guess since I left Troy MT (my child hood home) when I was 13… wow 22 years ago!

When I got back in my truck I wasn’t sure where I was going to end up, so I just started driving. It was getting dark and I realized that Tallahassee was only an hour or so up the road, so I ended up remaking the exact reservation I had just cancelled. See, its funny how the Universe works. When I called to cancel my 2 reservations, for up and coming stays, I found out that Montgomery was never booked to begin with, and according to my itinerary: Tallahassee was my next stop. If I had realized it, my trip probably would have been completely different and I would have missed the journey. See, for some reason, when there is a predetermined destination, the journey becomes about reaching the destination, and not experiencing all that is, in the moment.

The next morning, I got up and started out. I thought I was going to be heading down along the West Coast of FL, but found myself heading further East. I decided every time I came upon a Hwy, or major intersection I would ask myself how I felt and allow my internal instincts guide me.

Quickly, I was no longer on major Hwy’s, but smaller country roads. It was beautiful, and without a destination in mind, I was in no Hurry. I finally look down at my odometer and saw I was officially 4000 miles into my trip while driving through Gainesville FL. I stopped at a fruit stand and picked up a few things, and got to talking to a couple of the local ladies: BOTH VERY DIFFERENT!

Both Ladies were in about their late 60’s, and one couldn’t stop, while the other couldn’t find it in herself to get started. We started talking about just going for walks (as I was standing there barefoot, just feeling the energy coming up through my body). The one that couldn’t stop, said she goes for walks all the time, but is an avid speed walker. Although in pretty decent shape, she didn’t realize she was missing the beauty of taking your time to experience the journey. The other, with normal aging issues, couldn’t walk or be active like she used to, so wouldn’t even get started.

I began to talk about stopping to smell the roses, and the significance of it. See; “stop and smell the roses” is soooo much more than just a cliché. The simple action of stopping allows one to connect to the earth and come fully into their body. When we stop to smell the rose itself, we are already out of our mind and lost in the experience of life. At this moment, and it seems most close their eyes to do it, we bend down and take in a deep breath to feel the full embodiment of the fragrance. This fragrance, and it’s no wonder, is the aroma directly connected to the opening and balancing of the Heart Chakra. After doing such a little thing as “stopping to smell the roses,” is a subconscious longing to get out of the head, and move into the heart, where we have the opportunity to open our eyes and see the world from the place of Source!

I got back in my truck and quickly found myself in Daytona Beach… hmmmm, again: not a place I felt I was supposed to stop! So, I just kept driving down the coast. An hour or 2 later, I saw a sign for Cocoa Beach, and if felt right, so I turned. As I drove I began questioning if I made the right decision, but I kept driving… Finally, not even sure what road or why, I made a Left.  I thought I would just turn around and head back, when there I was in the middle of a group of hotels. Water on all sides, a wonderful pier and lots of restaurants: PERFECT, and I got a room.

Not just any room, a Waterfront Suite. I wanted to be able to see the Sunrise from my room in the morning. I have never allowed myself to pay what I paid for this room. When I did, something inside me kept making me giggle, to the point that the front desk person started to giggle as well. I know she will never understand why what just happened did, or what it really was: but I did.

These Last couple years have been about me letting go of a life of lack and learning to live in the abundance for which I am. Sabotaging jobs my whole life, I am beginning to truly allow myself to experience the life I am worth… not deserve, but WORTH.

Later this morning I will be back on the road, on my way to Fort Lauderdale. I can hardly wait for what is there… but no, yes I can. I will remember (at least for today) to keep breathing, and take my time to stay in the experience of the moment. What will come, will come, whether I deny myself what is now, or allow myself the gift of LIFE and take the time to enjoy the Journey….

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose!!!

Living in the abundance which is already me, sometimes means knowing when to say no to work and money and just allow yourself to be. The lesson began coming yesterday, when my first client of the day cancelled only an hour or so before their appointment. If I wasn’t already booked the rest of the day, I probably would have let it ruin the rest of appointments that I did have on the books; however, because of the circumstances at hand, I just took it as an opportunity to grab a good cup up coffee and find my way to the river bank, then up to the store to buy some supplies that I needed. What originally was a bit of a letdown, quickly turned into a gift of the Universe!

Looking on to my day ahead, I noticed that I had one space open for a 60 min session and a 3.5 hour block in the middle of my day today without any clients. Of course, even with the openings, I still had 4 90 minute sessions booked. It was quickly decided, or understood that I was not supposed to try and fill those spaces, but enjoy the weather and the scenery of Austin… so I pulled my ads and closed my books. This time is about me.

I have always been the type of person who has loved what I do, and if or when I stopped loving it, it became time to find a new job or switch occupations. I have also always been the type of person that believes the old saying, “if you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life!” and “I work to live, not live to work!” However; sometimes, it is easy to get caught up in the paycheck or in the dollar amount, pushing yourself to the point that days, weeks, or even months have gone by without even realizing you have not once experienced any portion of life except work..

Everyone wants to have a little backup, savings, or safety net (whatever you choose to call it).  But what are those things really? Isn’t the fixation or obsession in savings, nothing but an idea that is culminated from the ego and a place of fear? Fear that something may go wrong in the future. And then what? Like I have the ability to prevent financial hardship if that is the lesson that I need in order for my own personal or spiritual growth.

The need for a security blanket, is nothing more in a disconnections from the root chakra, or the aspect of self “Security”. Material attachment stems from the idea that my safety is reliant on something outside of myself. It is an idea that is lacking in the understanding of abundance and oneness.

All is ONE… the mantra of the root chakra. When we are living in the oneness of creation and in the foundation of self, there is no need for worry or fear, for you know from deep down within, whatever happens in life, you are safe and all of your needs will be taken care of.

When I left my apt back on Apr 30, and set out on this trip after giving away and selling all of my belongings, I knew I was in for the journey of a lifetime, a journey of self discovery and lessons that would change the way I experienced and viewed life forever. I did not set out on a 7 week journey cross the US, to live every day in a hotel room healing others; I set out to experience what life had to offer. Getting caught up in perception of lack, while in Denver, I missed opportunities to meet up with friends and experience the city again. I almost did it again here in Austin. That is the beauty of Conscious Awakening, you can awaken to the moment at any time, for all that truly exists is NOW. I have now also already closed off my books in Houston. I have plenty of clients booked: more than enough to pay for that leg of the trip as well as get a little further ahead. What more could a person ask for, unless they are living in a place of lack, forgetting the abundance which is nothing more than life… The rest, is nothing more than greed or materialism camouflaged with a Band-Aid  of misconception, created by the ego.

Pause, Breathe, feel your feet, and you will find your light: the light of self, the light of vertical connection to all that is, where all is one. In this moment of connection to self, you have the ability to see and experience all places of horizontal attachment, and the choice to detach or disconnect, freeing you to experience and live in the abundance that is you. You are Love! You are Light! You are Perfection! Give yourself the gift of this moment and allow yourself to observe and experience the abundance that is you, and the abundance you are worth!

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

2^nd chance to get it RIGHT… Finishing up a client in Dallas a few days ago, I was loading my table into the back of my truck. Out of nowhere I noticed a specific smell in the air. I paused to figure out what the smell was. Then it hit me…

11 years ago got rid of all my belongings, I in Denver, to go on a 3 week road trip cross country to Florida, hoping to start over. Running from what my life had begun. I had only received my HIV+ test result only 7 months before. I was in denial, not of being HIV+, but of the emotions that came with it. I had already begun dealing drugs as a means to subsidize my own drug use. Only 3 years ago, I wasn’t following a calling or fulfilling my purpose but running from the life I had learned to despise and the person I had become.

The smell of the city, as the heat of the streets meets the cool moisture of the night air. It was a smell that came around about the time we were running around, sometimes 4-5 nights a week, making sure we were all heading to the right clubs, making sure that we had all of our supplies, & making sure we had everything we needed to have fun… TO HAVE FUN???

All at once, the emotions were coming over me once again. Once again I was the “me” that had the decision to face my truth or hide. At first, I’m not going to lie; I immediately went to my old stomping grounds. I walked around. I cruised for someone to validate who I was. Then as quickly as it hit, I began to breathe and look around. I began to look within. This is not who I am anymore. I no longer have to seek for something or someone to make me complete or for validation. I continued to walk around for a time, just observing, experiencing all that I am, and experiencing that I do have the ability to hold onto my vibration no matter where I am, or what is going on. It became clear to me that I am worth more than a one night stand, or false validation from someone who probably won’t even remember my name the next day. I am worth waiting for that one who I have a connection beyond that of physical attraction. I am worth waiting for that person who is complete within himself who is not looking for me to fix them or fill a void in their life, but share in the completeness of both of our lives. I am worth the fairytale.

Going back to my mom’s house, head spinning I went to bed. I woke up to an amazing weekend, helping my wonderful little nephew celebrate his 7^th birthday. He is truly my little guy. In so many ways I see myself in him, but at the same time a individual searching for who he is, and to know he is worth the love of those around him, still unsure of what unconditional love is. A night out with friends, taking him with me was amazing. These are friends I met and worked with at the end of my addiction. Sitting around, a couple married with a child of their own, some dating, all of us sober, laughing, reminiscing and having a good time. We realized we had known each other for 8 years this summer. Wow… So many changes, so much growth, so much truth has been discovered: not just in me, but in everyone.

Tomorrow, I will finally make it beyond TX, in my journey cross country. This time I am not running, but stepping out in faith. I am finally saying yes to the life I was meant to live. Finally I am saying yes to who I am and that of my purpose.

When I stepped out on this journey cross country, I thought it was a journey into my future, I had no idea that to move into my future, I would have to walk through that of my past to truly find out if I am ready for what is about to come. Have I truly done the work on my past, or have I simply suppressed all that was to forge a truth of who I am. Every day, I realize how much work I have actually done, and how much work is still left to go.

This morning, I filmed a scene for the movie Red Krokodil. I have to say, this scene couldn’t have been planned for a more fitting place. Lost in my addiction on Krokodil, I cannot move, and am obviously in some of the final stages of despair and self destruction, where hope is basically nonexistence. And, to be able to wrap that scene, knowing that it is truly no longer who and what I am, is truly a huge gift, and testament to what is possible when you are willing to do the work.

Life is never easy, for it is always about choice, at least when you are truly living and learning to become the creator of your own reality instead of just the victim of your own life.

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

Leaving Denver, to drive over night to surprise mom yesterday for mother’s day, seems I was going to be the one with a surprise… and they just kept coming. Since getting my Master Certification in Reiki, it seems as if the universe or energies are attacking me to see if I have truly earned that of the Reiki Master title.

So the way down, I decided at the last minute, to take a different route than normal… big mistake. Every few miles, there seemed to be another little small town, with slowing down and speeding up. At no point was I able to just go into auto pilot mode and cruise to my destination.

Needless to say there was also road construction everywhere: Also another reason cruise or auto pilot was never able to kick in. So, driving along, another road construction zone, 70 mph down to 30 over less than a 1/4 mile. I made it through the what appeared to be the work zone, it was dark and a speed limit sign was approaching. Assuming it was going to be back up to 45, since I was obviously 47 out of the constructions zone, I began to speed up. I had just gotten to about 47 mph and the sign said 30 again. DAMN, and there’s the cop. My fist speeding ticket in over 10 years… I sort of chuckled, sort of annoyed, it got better.

The officer then walks up to my vehicle, I had him all my info and he takes like 30 mins to come back with my ticket. I think they intentionally take their time since they figure you must be in a hurry since you were speeding, and because I’m sure it gets boring sitting in their car hours and hours on end.

But then… he comes back. First he asked what I do for a living, where I am heading, my SSN, and a contact phone. As far as I know, none of that was any of his business. So, I decided to have some fun, I was already getting a ticket.

Officer: Sir, what do you do for a living?

me: I’m a healer and channel

(looking rather confused) Officer: Where are you going?

me: Wherever Spirit guides me, right now, this direction.

Officer: SSN?

Me: **** (I only gave him the last 4, telling him that was all I had memorized, and all the information he needed should be on the drivers license).

I really don’t think he was very happy with me, but I didn’t seem to like the guy too much, so decided to only give him what I legally had too… He didn’t need to know any of the rest of my business.

So, I start driving again, stopping every couple small towns for more coffee and gas when it was cheep. Then…. as I’m stopping at one point, to grab some blankets out of the back of my truck to bring to the cab for a makeshift bed to grab a couple hours sleep once I find a rest stop, I here a small pop, almost like a car door shut, but nobody was there. I close up the back of my explorer, and climb into the cab. When I start driving through the lot, something was feeling wrong.

A NAIL IN THE TIRE…

Some guy was there getting gas, so offered to come over and help… thank God, come to find out, I didn’t have the rod to release my spare tire. Once we got my tire off, he suggested we just take the tire to to the shop up the road and try to get it repaired. Only it was a Semi shop… they couldn’t fix the tire… hmmmm

So we went inside and bout a plugging kit. I learned how and plugged my own tire. I gave the guy $40 for helping me out, he had been up for like 4 days partying, and only had some pot. He offered it to me, but I said no thanks… funny how the universe puts some of the most interesting energies in our path to give us the opportunity to live in our light and see just how much judgment is still trapped within our energy fields. I guess I was soooooo tired and just done with the fight from Denver, it was easy.

By now, I was flying, blood was pumping and so I started driving. I should have thought to stop at the next rest area, but I was good to go. Next thing I knew the sun was coming up, and not wanting to just pull onto the shoulder of the road, I waited for the next rest stop.

Finally, but the sun was already breaking the horizon. I got in a couple hours sleep and made it into Ft Worth around 1, picked up flowers and surprised mom. And now a busy week of clients and families… more to come. But hopefully I’ve gotten the crap out of the way, and will start listening to my guides a little better.

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

A story of full circle, A story of ego, and a story of attachments… I was intending the title of this blog to be Rockin in the Rockies, but unfortunately sometimes the school of hard knocks is also a  means to understanding.

Denver is the place I have always felt was home. It is the rock of my coming out as an adult and in that of my development. So much of my life started and ended in Denver, I guess it was only right that Denver would be much more than just another stop along my trip.

By the time I pulled into town, I already had a completely booked client roster for the first few days. But clients, although nice, were not the primary purpose of my trip. My intent of Denver was to take enough clients to refill the account and accommodate for all expenses I had acquired during my trip thus far. I only wanted a couple clients a day. I wanted to spend my time, revisiting the city and visiting with old friends, seeing where they were in their lives and catch up.

Unfortunately the idea of making money and making Denver a profit became such an easy thing to attach too. Especially after breaking my camera in the Sand Dunes and having to buy a new one: a mishap ending up in an extra $400 expense not accounted for in my budget. I was now basing my sense of safety and security on an attachment  to work and an attachment to earning forgetting that as long as I look only for the security from within, and seeking only in the abundance that I am all else would be taken care of. Day 2 of being in Denver, what a mess.  By 5 pm I had 2 last minute cancellations and a no show. UGH… Not thinking my day could get any worse, my next client showed up… late of course…

The second my hands touched his back, his butt flew up in the air. My higher self came in and told me to end the session. I could tell and feel that this was not going to work. I could tell and feel that what he was here for was not a massage. I knew immediately that he had not read the description of my work and was wanting something completely opposite of what it was that I offer in my sessions. I can’t really blame him, fully. It has been a well know fact that men’s massage was never just a massage, gay or straight. But once again, I chose to ignore that which I was being guided to do (end the session) and continued. His attempts to get more than just a massage continued to grow in forwardness, and I was getting nowhere except frustrated. I had already had 3 clients not come in, and “needed the money.” ROFL…. There has never been a time when I have followed the guidance of the universe and not been taken care of. It is only when I ignore that of the universe and follow the control of my ego that I get in trouble and ensure my own misalignment.

By the time the session was over, I was completely disconnected and barely going through the motions. He was obviously not happy with the session either. Thinking if he stayed for the 90 min session, he would get a little more, he asked if he could extend. I had another client coming and told him no… not that I would have extended at that point anyhow, I was no longer working from a place of Love and Light, but from a place of ego and disconnection. He handed me the money “I had to have” and left… Quickly I realized that he had shorted me on the payment too. UGH…

Over the next 3 days I had 2 more last minute cancellations and one more no show, for a total of 6. This is more in just 4 days in one city than I have had in the last year combined. But why, why now? Maybe because I was totally out of my own alignment and the more misaligned I became the more I continued to attract this energy. I am the result of my own creation, I am not the victim, but his week I was the victim and that was the energy I was attracting.

Because my foundation of being was so rocked, I couldn’t find balance in anything. I began to seek out hookups ect. Of course, the universe stood in the way, at almost every turn, and thank “God”. That is not who I am, or what I want in my life.

When I left Denver 5 years ago, I was only 2 months sober off a 6 year Crystal Meth addiction. And now back, I realized there was still things trapped in my field I had not yet dealt with. Denver was now the mirror of those things within me that I had suppressing within. I found myself on line at all hours, trying to find a fix of validation, only to find myself feeling more and more empty… more and more seeking something to fill the void now known as my truth.

This morning, sa I finished my second client, it hit me. Coming into Denver, I knew I only needed to make about $1200 to recover all I had spent so far on my trip (including to replace the camera). And that…. is exactly what I had made even with the cancellations. I had based my foundation not on the experiences of self, but on a financial gain. I was disconnected from all that I am, and as a result, didn’t have time to even connect with part of the people I had wanted to. Yes, those who cancelled had a responsibility unto themselves for their actions and that what they were putting into the universe; but, it was my attachment to the outcome that is what affected my alignment, not them. Had I took a moment to realize, pause, breathe and take a look at what was really going on rather than what my ego was telling me was going on, I probably would have felt none of the effects, and would have remained translucent to that which was around me, also probably ending the vibration causing my discomfort.

This is truly ending up being far more than just work trip cross country. It is my biggest test in the understanding of who I am. It is easy to remain steady and in the alignment of self when you are in an environment you have created; but, how do you maintain it when all around you is unfamiliar and foreign…. As I tell my clients, ask yourself, “Can I feel my feet?” See, its impossible to be in your head and in your body at the same time, by asking, “Can I feel my feet?” you are giving yourself that moment to come down energetically out of your head and connecting to your physical plane of existence through your connection to the Earth. You are giving yourself a moment of breath and a moment of pause…. You are giving yourself a MOMENT, and in that MOMENT you being to experience life, for in the MOMENT, is the only place life is actually happening, not the past of the future, but NOW. Anyhow, I am off for today. See you all in Dallas!

And Remember: Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

Let me take a moment from my journey to remember one of the reasons I am able to walk this road of faith today…

To My Momther,

There are not words to express the appreciation I hold for you deep in my heart. A Child is considered a child with the first beat of their heart, but it was your heart that gave me life, and your heart that stayed open to me despite the life I once tried to destroy.

Everything I ever learned and value today, I learned through you and the lessons you taught me.

You taught me my truth, you guided my way and you knew my light even when I knew only darkness.

It is to you, that I owe all that I am today. I remember as a child, you never taught me I can’t, you only taught me consequences. You taught me to be the best me I could be; unfortunately, I took that literally, even when being an ass. And somehow, you still loved me anyhow.

You taught me, spirituality is not about what you do on Sunday, but what you do every other day of the week. You taught me it was not about saying the right prayers, and asking for forgiveness:  it was about opening my heart and treating others with love and kindness… without judgment.

You taught me it wasn’t about winning; it was about giving it everything I have, and having fun.

You taught me to laugh despite the pain.

You taught me to stand tall, and to stand up for what I believe.

You taught me to have a voice, and how to speak my truth.

You taught me it was not only ok to be who I was, but it was imperative to be who I was if I was ever going to find happiness.  And although it has taken me my whole life, up till now, to even begin figuring out who that was, you have loved me and stood by me anyhow.

I remember when I came out, and I remember later what you said to me, “It doesn’t hurt me or bother me that you’re gay, it bothers me and hurts me that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me sooner.”  You always loved me, not always liked me, but always loved me, for you always knew the real me, the me I am today.

When we found out, I was no longer just HIV+ but had my first AIDS diagnosis; it was you that said, “its ok, WE’RE going to make it!” And, every morning at 10 am, my phone would ring, “Rise and Shine, time to take your MAGIC PILLS.” You never let me give up, and you never gave up on me. It was that choice in perception and helped me realize what unconditional love was, and how to dream again.

It was you who taught me that everything will work out exactly the way it’s supposed to! And even though it may not be the way I want it too, it’ll still works out.

You taught me that life is about perception, and you can either dwell in the sorrow and darkness, or you can take a breath and start over.

You taught me that it was ok to feel, and ok to express those feelings without guilt or shame, but you also taught me that to allow those feelings to define you, will get you nowhere.

You taught me to take a breath before I speak (even though I have many times forgotten that, and learned the taste of my own foot well), and yelling is not speaking.

I know there are many things I have forgotten, and what I have put, only touches the surface.

I am my Truth, my light and my way, and you are my teacher, my friend, my guide, and my mom.

I love you more than you will ever know. Thank you for being my Momther, and thank you for being you!

Happy Mother’s Day

And Remember, Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose! (See you soon)

Where to begin… after 2 days of incredible energy lifting me up, I could have never prepared for what happened next. A drive down memory lane to Alamosa CO. This is the city I where I first came out. This is the city where I learned how much persecution I was going to receive for the rest of my life simply for being honest with who I was, and no longer being willing to lie about my sexual orientation: denying myself the happiness of love to make those around me comfortable. I was only going to be there for the night, as in the morning I was going to be filming a scene in the Great Sand Dunes of Southern Colorado, just miles outside of Alamosa. The Town didn’t even look the same. It had blossomed with stores, restaurants, as well as people. It was Sunday evening around 8 when I got into town, and even though the town had grown, it felt like a ghost town. There was nobody.

After a long sit in the hot tub recovering from the almost 9 hr drive, I just went to bed. I needed to sleep. I have been going non stop for the last few months preparing for this trip. A drive down memory lane to Alamosa CO. This is the city I where I first came out. This is the city where I learned how much persecution I was going to receive for the rest of my life simply for being honest with who I was, and no longer being willing to lie about my sexual orientation: denying myself the happiness of love to make those around me comfortable. I was only going to be there for the night, as in the morning I was going to be filming a scene in the Great Sand Dunes of Southern Colorado, just miles outside of Alamosa. The Town didn’t even look the same. It had blossomed with stores, restaurants, as well as people. It was Sunday evening around 8 when I got into town, and even though the town had grown, it felt like a ghost town. There was nobody.

I have been going non stop for the last few months preparing for this trip. When I woke to my alarm going off, I could barely open my eyes. It had felt as if I had barely fallen asleep. I finally climbed out of bed, to go get something to eat and head to the Sand Dunes to film a scene to look like I was lost in the desert for “Red Krokodile”. I had calculated exactly the amount of time I would need for the drive to the location, Hike in, and time for filming.

It was 45’ outside, couded, and wind gusts of between 60-80mph. Sand felt like needles piercing my skin with every breath.  But, I made it… I found the perfect spot. I set up, took off my clothes with sand piercing my skin. I thought I had my frame set, but filming myself, it was hard to tell. Take one. It went perfect. It didn’t  feel like acting. The fear of being lost in such a vast area of devastation and annihilation, over came my body and my mind. At one point, I didn’t think I could walk any further. As I paused, the wind caught me, my knees buckled and next thing I knew I was tumbling down one of the Dunes, first ronlling then a couple times almost head over heals I hit the bottom. I layed there, cold and hurting, but knowing I had to get up to reshoot the scene from a different point of view.

I gathered my wits and reset the camera. Upon checking my frame I realized that the lens was jammed with sand and the camera was done. Feeling as if I failed, ego screaming at me, I packed up and headed back to the truck. I almost felt lost, I could no longer see what was in front of me. I had to stop. Check in whith my own light and ask for guidance. trusting my own understanding and feeling what was the right direction I continued… 45 mins later I made it back to the truck. My eyes were burning from the sand scraping against my corneas and in what felt like every nook and cranny of my body.

I began to drive on to Denver. I felt as if I had failed. But what is failure in a world of nothing but perfection. I still don’t know what the lessons were there, and not sure I will. I did get one scene and only time will tell if the footage is even usable.

I have to buy a new camera. Because of the sand, it will cost as much to fix as it will to buy a new one. I hope I can get it before I have to film my next scene along this trip.

But, I didn’t have time to think about this or dwell in what didn’t happen, I was booked solid for my first 2 days in Denver with healing clients: with my first client only an hour from the time I was scheduled to arrive.

I remember stopping at one point during the drive to overlook the amazement of beauty while driving over the snow covered mountain between Garland and Walsenburg CO. Barefoot and shirtless, I pulled over,got outside and took some shots. I couldn’t even feel the cold under my feet, only the power of truth that was below me. In all of this beauty that was around me in this moment, I couldn’t even fathom allowing myself go back into the label of failure trying so hard by my ego to put on me.

I could breathe again. I could see the beauty of what is. I was connected and grounded. I could once again feel my feet and my inner light was shining. I was no longer attached to what had happenbed and know that what is supposed to happen will as long as I get out of the way and allow it. Fear and worry is only energy wasted and keeping me disconnected from spirit.

I am not what happens around me. It is not my job to judge what isn’t but live in the glory of what is. All in all, I know that somehow it will all work out. I will be taken care of… I have to be, I am one in all that is, and one within the perfection of the Love and Light of my own Divine Creation.

With a break in my schedule I sit here in the most beautiful and green park in Denver, the Mile High City, wind of the crisp mountain spring air blowing in my face. All is beautiful, all is perfect, because today, I choose to take a moment, Breathe, reconnect Vertically and allow myself to simple be the observer of my own experience of all that is going on around me.

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose