Going home… Never thought those simple 2 words would feel so amazing to say! After 9 months of traveling the US and Europe, I even forgot what those words actually meant. I’m sure many of you reading this take those words for granted at the end of a day of work, or at the end of a business trip, as I did for my entire life. 9 months ago, I made a decision to start listening to my guides and let my inner light be my guide and the decision maker in my life.

9 months, almost to the day, not even sure what caused the conception of this time of rebirth or gestation, but here I am. I woke up in my Houston TX hotel suite without a single client on the books and not a single phone call or text on my phone by someone interested in setting up a session. All of a sudden, I began to well up… a humbling truth and powerful voice came through loud and clear…. GO HOME! I contacted the front desk, and as long as I checked out by 1, I would get reimbursed for the final night of my reservation. There was nothing here that would tell my ego I needed to stay, not to make sure I at least saw one client to cover the final night of my stay, not a client, not anything… my ego had nothing to attach to, to prevent me from listening.

Like the first day a baby comes home from the hospital, I get to go home. Everything is new, nothing familiar… not even this person who I have become!

9 months of following a voice that came from within, I searched and I followed, but never knew when it would stop, or where I would go next. It felt like I was on an aimless journey of fumble, folly, discovery and loss. Truth be told, I didn’t even know what I was searching for, or the purpose that any of it had… or did it even have a purpose.

Once I arrived in TX the beginning of December, I started hearing that voice telling me not to leave TX, and really, TX? I fought and I fought this voice, but it kept getting louder. There was no way I spent the last 9 months of my life, giving up everything I knew and loved in my old life to end up in TX again. I never said anything to anyone, hoping that if I ignored the voice and continued to go forth on the path I wanted to be on, the voice would be quiet down or become silent… but no. It just kept getting louder. I began having visions of having a place to live, a place to call home.

At New Years, my guides weren’t satisfied with the way I had been, or not been, listening… so they sent a messenger. They sent a messenger in the form of a client. This is a client who had suffered from a neurological disease that had damaged part of his brain. He had recovered from the disease but there was still repair that needed done in his head. He was on lots of medications with lots of confusion., and the only thing that till date had offered any true relief was the one time he had received Reiki. On New Year’s Day, only a day later I got a call that seemed to change everything. From the other end of the phone, I heard the words, “I know you’re thinking about transitioning to TX; and, while you transition to TX, I would like to offer you free room and board in order to be able to work with you.” After hearing a man I had never told about the feeling of staying in TX, say these words, all I could do was set down the phone, chuckle and say I hear ya’! Lol

I left Austin, TX seriously contemplating what it would look like or mean to live in Austin. I had already made many acquaintances and even reconnected to a couple old friends. Austin is a city that lives outdoors, very holistically focused and health conscious. I remembered once feeling that I could live in Austin: it was on my trip through Austin, back in May, the first time I ever traveled to Austin for work. For the next couple weeks I didn’t really tell anyone about what I was feeling, or even begin looking into where I would live. If Austin was to become the next place I was going to live it had to happen without effort, without trying to make anything happen. From Austin to Houston, a week with family in Fort Worth, I still held this secret within, but the voice was clear. I didn’t know how I was going to be able to make it work or where I was going to live, but something inside me started flowing over with possibilities. It felt right.

Friday, Jan 18, from a hotel room in Houston I was guided to go on Craigslist to look for a place. I had been told the area that was most central and easiest for clients to find me. I knew the size of what I was looking for, requirements of specifics that it would take for me to be willing to stop and settle down, cost, flooring, natural light, ect. Within a couple hours it appeared I had found what was looking for, I had narrowed it down to 3 apts. I contacted the listings and of the 3, only 1 would be available for me to look at once I got to Austin that Sunday. Monday morning I walked into what I would soon know to be home. The apt was everything I had been looking for, and more. It was perfect! By Wed afternoon, I had keys to a new apt, and by Thursday afternoon at 3, I had purchased a living room set, a bedroom set, had my massage room set up, and was taking clients. Unfortunately over the next few days, all I had time to do was set up the place, start setting the energy of my space and see a few clients. By Sunday, I was back on the road… Dallas and Houston over the course of the next 8 days, and finally that voice in a tone I had never heard before, “GO HOME”!!!

It is said, that home is where your heart is, or home is where you hang your hat, but so many times in our lives we settle for “home” being that place we hung our hats or that we had a forwarding address.

I remember as a kid, 13 years old, after a 1 week road trip from My home in the mountains of Montana to Tucson AZ, we made it to the location that was to become my new home. The rest of the family went inside, while I just sat there in the back seat. It was after 11pm, and over 100 degrees. After a few minutes, I don’t even remember who came out, but they came out and told me to come in. I said I didn’t want to play this game, I wanted to go home.

For the next 22 years, I searched and I tried: Tucson & Marana AZ, Alamosa, Greeley, and Denver CO, Dallas, Bridgeport, & Ft Worth TX, back to Denver, then LA and Long Beach CA… all hoping to find a place to once again call home.

9 months ago, I was guided to let go of everything, to go out and find a foundation that was beyond what I knew as safe… a foundation that was already within me… a foundation that was already me.  Over the next 9 months, from LA to NY, 3 months in Europe, then back across the US, I lost everything, I saw parts of the world many only dream of one day having the opportunity to go, and I saw some of the darkest places of my soul. Day after day, I was given the opportunity to go further within, have the opportunity to face who I am, let go & learn to love every and all aspects of myself. Today, I have found a home. I don’t know how permanent or temporary this will be, but I am here, in Austin TX and it feels right. I guess only time will tell if will finally become the home, a place more than just a place to hang my hat, but a place I can finally create a life that is more than just temporary.

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

Dec 11, 2012 I pulled into San Antonio TX around 5am. It was dark, the sun about to peak over the Horizon. I was stopping to visit a friend for a couple days before I begin a 1 month work tour around the state and spend the holidays with my family. I wasn’t expecting what happened next, and I am still… only now, one month later coming to understand the depth of its truth and its message. As I attempted to walk around the front of my vehicle, not knowing what was there, stepped over the curb I found nothing to catch my foot. The earth below was not where I had thought, but 4’ lower. I fell into a concrete drainage ditch, with bruised ribs and what I now know to be possible tears inside my knee, I could feel myself going into shock. I knew that if I passed out or didn’t find a way to pull myself out, there was no telling when anyone would find me. Feel your feet, and breath is all I could hear. Quickly I began to find the foundation from within and was able to get myself out of the ditch and to my friend’s apt. He had left a key out for me, and I didn’t want to bother him, so I let myself in, got cleaned up, and put myself to bed.

A few hours later, when I awoke, I couldn’t breathe & I couldn’t walk. I think it was at that moment I received the message that I was not supposed to leave TX yet: But why? There was no way I was staying in TX. San Diego, a place of sunshine and down to earth people where my work and who I am was supported was waiting. TX was the tar pit of my past. After I left TX back in 05, I would jokingly tell people at least when I died I knew I would be going to heaven… after 5 years in AZ and 4 years in TX, I had already done my time in hell. But was it jokingly, or was there some truth to calling these 2 states hell. Is hell that place that Religion came up with as a means to scare people to “God”: a place of fire and brimstone, or is hell actually also right here on earth. I don’t believe it is either! Hell is the place that is held within that of our own mind or ego that keeps us separate from the Love and Light of Divine truth.

6.5 months ago, when I dove into the role of Drug addict for the movie Red Krokodil, I was not just playing a role… I was diving back into that place that was still very much alive within me, only masked by a pretty package I had worked hard to create. For the last few months I have struggled to find peace with that side of myself, getting to a point I am not afraid to look in the mirror and see: both that part of myself and who I’ve become at the same time looking back… and love what I see.

Over this last month, the feeling that I am not supposed to leave TX yet, has not left. And I still couldn’t see or understand why. What was here for me? Why can’t I leave? The other day, on a day off from taking clients, I went for a drive through the streets of Dallas. These were the same streets that years previous I lost myself to a life of drugs, partying and a slow painful attempt to end my own life, not caring who I hurt during my journey. For the first time in over 10 years I drove past the home where it all happened. I stopped and just sat outside for a few moments. The memories came flooding back, and I began to understand.

Dec 11^th, when I pulled into TX was a much more significant date than I could have ever came up with on my own. It took such an incredible accident to get me to pause long enough to see. While sitting there I realized something: Dec 11^th 2002 exactly 10 years prior,  was when I was served eviction papers from this amazing townhome as the result of my life as a dealer and addict. As I sat there, I could see myself throwing garbage bags of clothes out from the 3^rd story window as I tried to save the material things that still defined me. 10 years ago last month was the beginning of the journey that brought me to this moment in my life. Even as I type these words tears are beginning to stream down my face. Only they are not tears of pain, they are tears of love and acceptance.

Dallas… TX… this was no longer my hell, it was now a beautiful place that opened its arms to me, and allowed me to find my bottom, and experience such a powerfully painful result of my own creation that I was forced to stop looking down and start looking first up, then within to find Life Everlasting and Divine Truth. In that moment, I was no longer hearing the voice telling me I could no longer leave. Of course it still is not a place I really see myself ever living again, but the location no longer holds the attachment of hell or pain.

But, where am I to go next? Am I still supposed to go back to San Diego, where the path would be easy: going back where I already know a life is waiting for me: another path that I have created. Or, is it time to keep moving forward in a new direction? San Diego, is a wonderful place where I have amazing friends and incredible connections that may assist me in creating what I believe to be the life I want, but is it where I am supposed to go? I don’t know. But for now, it doesn’t feel right.

Something inside myself is telling me I still have to go further back in time. I still have a path, known as my past I must go back and heal.

At 12 years old, my family moved from the home we built from the ground up in MT. Behind that home, was a creek and a river, by which, I remember sitting for hours. It is at that creek that I remember almost taking my own life because I felt like I didn’t belong in the family I was born into. It was there I remember praying, asking “God” to watch over my sisters and my family, help them forget the pain I have caused them and move on as the happy family I believed them to be. As I went to cut my own wrist, a chilling breeze blew across the river. When I looked up, there on the river’s bank, illuminated by the glow of a summer’s moon was a magnificent wolf staring at me. I can remember the look in its eyes, like it was staring into my soul. That chilling breeze quickly turned into a surge of love and warmth, while tears streamed down my face. As I wiped my tears, and lifted my head the wolf was gone. But from that day, sometimes when I close my eyes in mediation that wolf is still there looking deep into my soul. I took that knife, went back to this childhood home and went back to bed. Then next day, I could remember my prayer and the love I felt surge through my body. I interpreted that message as, “that is why you are here”… boy was I wrong. The message was, “live, your family is already being looked over, they are exactly who and where they are supposed to be… they are already divine, as are you”.

I feel like, as I finish my stay in TX over the next few weeks, I will be going back to that home. I will be going back to yet a deeper level within to heal a hell within my own being that I once created from the projection of my own ego, believing that I was separate from the divinity from which I was created. I don’t know where this path will lead, or what my life will look like, and I hope that when it comes down to it… I never do! Life is no longer about creating something that society says I am supposed to have, but learning to listen and feel, for life cannot be defined by a pretty picture or a label that makes those around you comfortable. Life is now about going within and allowing my feeling center to guide me to my truth. I am at peace today. I no longer feel like I have to run, or be anything or anyone… For, I already am!

In the meditation that has been developed through me over the last 5 years, “The Divine Breath” the affirmation, “You are LOVE, You are LIGHT and You are Perfect, it is Whom and What You are”, is repeated from beginning to end. It is time that I to step into that truth, that I may share all that already is, and allow myself to be what it is that I am… LOVE LIGHT & PERFECTION, as are you… For we are but One in the Truth of Divine Creation.

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

4500 miles, $400 to get there $3000 in new debt, and on 03 Oct a voice saying “Shut up and Drive”. All this, at a time I was supposed to be purchasing a round trip ticket back to Europe for the first ever festival of Red Krokodil in Nice France, and first cinema premiere 2 weeks later in Rome, Italy.

I hadn’t even been back from Europe a Month. When I arrived I had already paid for hotels in 2 cities that are normally good money makers for me. I made sure (unlike when I returned from India, almost 2 years before) that I had made sure all my t’s were crossed and all my I’s dotted, to ensure the transition back would not be so devastating. But, how did everything go so devastatingly wrong? How could I feel more lost at the end of this trip than I did the last time?

As I pulled into South Beach on September 30^th, I had made enough to still be at about balance. And everything came to a halt. As I reversed into a parking spot, I felt and heard my engine take a jump. I knew it was not good. It was a Sunday. I was only supposed to be in Sobe for 2 nights, but I could extend in my current hotel for another night. Monday morning I got my truck into the shop, only to find out that it was my transmission and it would take 5 days to have it fixed… oh and $2400.

Within only a few hours, someone came forward that offered to allow me to stay with them in their ocean view apt for free, and allow me to see clients while I was there…. But Sobe had quickly proven itself to be a city for me to build clients. I even had a potential client say “Why should I pay your rate for only a massage, when I can pay an Illegal Mexican a fraction of that and have him do whatever I want?” I was sickened and had never been so offended in probably all of my life. Sickened as to how much of a reflection this really was on a part of the gay community and how they see ok to treat others. No wonder why we can’t get equal rights to love who we want to love, when part of the community is still just wanting to have sex with whomever they want.

I knew my transmission was going to take all my cash, max finish maxing out one credit card and max out a second. Even with what had just transpired with this last potential client, I was hopeful I would make enough off clients to not have to borrow any money from anyone. I was glued to my computer screen, constantly checking emails, and reaching out to anyone who was showing even the slightest interest. I was desperate and living completely in a state of lack.

I guess after coming out of filming Red Krokodil, I was still stuck in part of my past, I had not yet healed some of the deepest darkest places within my own being. Instead of knowing my own light, I was lost in what seemed like an abyss of darkness and lack. I couldn’t find the light of abundance because once again I was looking for it outside myself instead of looking within… for within was painful.

5 more days in South Beach, magical sunrises every morning and only twice did I spend any time at the beach. I was scared of my future, and living in the past instead of living in the moment. On Saturday the 3^rd I had a photo shoot with a photographer in Fort Lauderdale. In the raw images, I saw someone who was skinny and empty. With the most simple of comments I was at the verge of tears. I was angry. That afternoon, driving back from the shoot, I got in an argument with my mom. My head was spinning, my body was a pulsating mound of volatile emotion ready to be set off at any moment: and that’s when I heard it.. “SHUT UP AND DRIVE!!!”

I called the guy I was staying with, checked what I had in available ($400 cash and credit), loaded up my stuff and at 8 pm on Sat 03Oct, I was driving north towards Tampa. I had had 2 clients (a couple) who had appointments booked for that night. And, let me tell you… the 300 I would have made would have made the next leg of my journey much easier; but, I had to cancel. I didn’t even know what light was much less be in a place to share my own light with someone else, and the voice said shut up and drive, not take these clients and leave in the morning… “SHUT UP AND DRIVE”

I was going to keep driving till I as either too tired to drive, or I could feel like myself again. And honestly, I wasn’t counting on feeling like myself anytime soon, so I just continued to drive. I finally pulled into a rest area and decided it was time to stop. I reclined my chair and fell asleep. It was about 3:30 am. 7am, I awoke and was on the road again. Around 2 I stopped at a small ocean side city to see a dear friend of mine and wonderful healer. After catching up, she had me lay back on her table, and I immediately began to release whatever was there, and integrate some of the most magical energies I had ever seen or felt before.

I calculated that I had enough money to rent a hotel suite in New Orleans for 2 nights: enough tim to allow me to take some clients and try to make some money. After paying for the hotel, gas to get me that far and some groceries: my $400 was now down to $20. I began booking clients, and by the time I left New Orleans, I had enough money to get me to Houston, pay for 4 nights in a hotel leaving me with yet again $20… still $3000 in debt. Next stop Dallas (Ft Worth actually) to spend a few days with family and see some regulars in the area.

Because I was so far gone from the man I normally am, because I was so lost in the darkness i felt within, my own family barely knew who I was. My nephew… my little guy, my little me even felt it. I remember the way he let up when he first saw his uncle, but I felt so empty, I didn’t even have anything to give him, except some quiet cuddle time here or there… no playing, no games, and no guys night out. It broke my heart that I was so far gone that I couldn’t even be there for him.

By the time I got there though, one of my credit cards was partially paid off, and half of the $1000 loan was also now paid. I could have paid off the rest of the loan, but didn’t want left with only $20 again. It was time to invest in my own abundance. That next weekend, a hotel was rented for 4 nights in Austin, and by the end, credit card number one was now paid off, and so was the loan.

Still lost and confused, I stand with my mom in the kitchen. Coming up on the date of the Showing of Red Krokodil at the festival in Nice, I was really resenting the fact that instead of going back to France I was about to leave for Phoenix. Going back to California (in my mind) was a sign of me failing. Regardless of how many  amazing things had happened over the last 5 months, no matter what the experiences I had gained and the places I had seen, the only thing I could see and feel was going back to California and failure. Mom tried to insist that I could stay there and get myself back on my feet. And it was hard, I knew she may never understand, but if I stopped then, it was over. I had to keep going, I had to keep moving forward, I couldn’t stop. I knew that what I was feeling inside was still to powerful to stop and feel. I had to keep moving. Within a few days I drove on to Phoenix for 4 more days of work.

On October 30^th, 27 days after leaving South Beach I pulled into Long Beach. A friend had a room I could stay and see clients from. On the 31^st, I sat on the couch and did nothing. I watched tv, I didn’t even unpack. I did notify clients I would be there for a week. By the next day, I began to get settled into the idea of being back in Cali, but had no idea what that meant. I was out of Debt… credit cards, loans everything paid off… By “Shutting Up and Driving” I had made enough to get myself out of debt, pay for hotels, gas and a few nights of fun all the way across the US, with about $400 left to my name in cash. Not bad. Every stop had its own difficulties. Every stop provided opportunities to step back into my own light and allow myself to heal. Every stop was proof positive that I was exactly where I needed to be  to allow myself to absorb and grow from the experiences that had transpired over the last 6 months.

That next day, Nov 1^st… out and about, I contacted my old neighbor to see if he was available to go for a walk. This was something we used to do any time I was in town. He came and met me and we walked up to the beach. We laughed, we talked, and in the midst of it all… the familiarity of an old friend, the sound of waves unlike anywhere else in the world and a place I once called home, I found it… I found my happy.

6 months traveling across the US, around Europe, and back across the US, all it took was a simple walk in a place called home to remember who I was. Coming back to Point I didn’t mean that I had failed, it meant a journey had come full circle and now it was time to step out in what would become another journey. Where my life is going, where I will end up, and what any of it will look like, I have no idea… but that’s ok. Today I know that no matter what happens, I am who I am, and once again, I love who I am. I am not afraid to move forward, because I have already stepped back into my past and healed another aspect of myself. Today, I am more of who I am than I ever have been. And today I am one day closer to fulfilling that of my purpose… Whatever that may be!!! And why… because I finally remembered to listen to that voice, despite all my disbelief and self doubt… and I “Shut Up and Drove!!!”

Have A Great Day (or not) You Choose

The final leg of a journey… The final leg of a journey across Europe, and into some of the deepest and darkest aspects of who I am, I am in awe of the gifts of truth that continue to present themselves at those perfect moments in time to illuminate and validate the path that I am on.

On my way to the Stransted Airport, London, it seemed like everything was going ok, but I was not ready to leave. Only 6 days in London is not enough. London is the city of random chaos, inevitable to leave virtually anyone and everyone standing at a loss for words at least once. I have heard one does not fall in love with London on their first trip, and definitely not in 6 days; but, somehow through the chaos of architecture and energy I am left longing for more.

I arrive to the airport, not sure if my luggage was going to go through (flying on RyanAir) I go to check in. 15kl is all my main luggage can weigh without being charged… I was 3kl over, so begun what seemed a never ending challenge. It was like something did not want me to get to that plane, or at least not yet. I transferred all my essential oils and a bunch of clothes. Of course, the really heave stuff was all on the bottom of my bag and was not able to get to it. Bag was at weight and off to security. As not trusting most airlines to securely transport my belonging with everything still there, I usually carry my hair cutting shears in my carry on. In every other airport I have ever traveled through, I have never had a problem… but not England. A $300 pair of shears was not going through, and in transferring my oils, I didn’t pay attention to how many there were and had to begin throwing some of them away. I married duplicates and threw away the most inexpensive oils, but what to do with my shears? I only had just over an hour now to exit security and mail that one pair of shears back to the states (praying the postal service doesn’t lose them) I was off. Luckily I was given a priority pass back through security to fast track me back through.

Shears mailed, security passed, I made it to the gate, and all was good. But, at the same time, I wanted to avoid going back to Rome with everything in my body. It was in Rome I had to go back into the depths of my own addiction to develop a character and live a life as an addict once again, as the most intimate moments of this one man’s life a story was shared with the camera and the world, in the film RED KROKODIL. The vibrational association with Rome was not one that I was excited about bringing back into my life again. It’s funny how a memory or an experience can keep one from ever being introduced to the true essence a person or a place, because the projection of what is within oneself is viewed as the truth of all that is around you… or me! hehe

As I find my seat, I waited for everyone else to board, wondering who was going to be sitting next to me. Then, walked on the plane, a beautiful young lady, and something inside me said she was going to be sitting beside me. We made eye contact as walked down the aisle. On RyanAir there is not assigned seating, and somehow I still had 2 seats open beside me. Upon eye contact, she spoke asking if the seats beside me were open, I said no… you’re sitting there. We laughed and she and a friend took their seats. Immediately there was a connection. We introduced ourselves and I could feel the light within me turning on, an energy was flowing through me not from this dimension of being. We began to speak about spirituality and the work that I do. As we spoke she asked me if I ever worked with athletes and how I got to doing the work I now do. Come to find out, she was a sprinter and very religious. This became very fun for me, for even though I am not religious and do not believe in many of the manipulated teaching of religion, an understanding of spirituality still underlines the essence of all.

Soon we began to speak about her routine of going into her races and I walked her through how my work could create a shift in her perspective of the race. An hour and a half passed, and all of a sudden the energy turned off. We both felt it, and she looked at me as told me that she first saw me as I was being fast tracked through security and felt something. When she then saw the seat beside me on the plane she knew she was supposed to sit there, followed by saying, “Now I know why I am on this trip”. She was on her way to her final race of the off season, and the race didn’t even count for anything. She didn’t even want to go, but felt compelled anyhow. She then said, “Now I realize that this trip wasn’t about the race, but meeting and connecting to you. This conversation is why I am on this trip. Thank you”. I was speechless. I don’t think we even said more than 5 words the rest of the flight, but that light inside me was still going, for I also now knew why I had to go back to Rome when I did.

3 days back in Rome, and I really wasn’t feeling it, and something told me to go for a walk. I ended up walking up to the coliseum just in time to watch the sun begin to set on the horizon beyond this structure created for death. Somehow the balance between the 2 was absolutely incredible. I got to watch the romance of Rome in the hearts of young couples taking pics around me. As I was walking back, I was chatting with guys through an on line chat app on my phone: to all of a sudden get a message from a young man who said he was on the same flight as I was from London to Rome. He was a young Colombian guy, who I guess also saw me in the fast track as well, too shy to say anything at the time, he said he ended up sitting a couple seat behind me. He said there was a glow radiating off of me: funny since as I said before, connected was anything but what I was feeling. He had also noticed my tattoo of an AIDS Ribbon with a red plus sign in the middle signifying my HIV Pos status that I have on my arm. He happened to be right around the corner and we met for a coffee. He had only recently found out he was HIV Positive, and rather than going on meds, he had been able to actually double his T-Cells in only a few months by healthy living and not allowing it to become a handicap, but a stimulus for wellness. He was about to head out on the train for his next destination and we hugged and said so long.  Again another piece of puzzle, acting as proof, that all happens when it does for a reason: even if our ego wants to tell us we are not getting what we want or what we deserve.

After just over 2.5 months traveling Europe, many hardships, and many experiences some could see as nothing short of miraculous, I am ready to come back to the states. Now, mind you, although I am coming back homeless: belongings not much more than that which I have with me now, I am excited. I don’t know if I even realize the extent to which things have changed, or the ways to how I have changed, but there is something alive in me maybe once dormant before. I am excited about my new journey and the next 6 weeks working and healing my way back across the states to TX. I will be seeing existing clients, meeting new, building existing relationships and meeting new. I now truly understand that home is not a material place or a physical place of being; but, the place where your heart is at peace and the place where the stillness of one’s breath brings a sense of truth, understanding, safety and sense of security. The world is now my home, and every day every experience is truly a gift.

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

Lost, confused broken and in total disbelief I found myself stranded in Paris. 8 beautiful days, and I now off to meet a man I had been speaking with for over the last year though online chat, IM, and Skype. A romance that could one day be told as the modern day fairytale, to end up nothing more than a fairytale of my own mind. During that year, we shared some of the most intimate stories of our lives, and I opened up in a way I had never done before. Maybe it was because, at first there was probably no chance of ever meeting, or maybe because as a hopeful romantic I believe in the fairytale as something we all still deserve.

Over the course of the weeks preceding my flight from Paris to Austria, our communication had subsided, and he began becoming very distant. Numerous times I received an insight within myself to change my flight, that something had shifted, but I didn’t listen. I knew that if I walked away and didn’t go, I would always wonder, “what if”.  And to me, What IF is what regret is made of, so I turned off that voice and pushed forward (not a good combo). But that inner voice was trying to tell me something.

Still feeling the impact of reliving the life of an addict in my role, in the movie Red Krokodil, I needed to believe that I was worth loving. See it wasn’t just a role, and parts of that addict I portrayed on the screen still lives within me. No matter how spiritual I become or how much work I have done, there is still a voice inside me that tells me my past makes me unlovable: my past is still who I am, and who could ever love that person.

The morning arrived to head to the airport. I wasn’t even sure if he was going to be on the other end to pick me up, but what happened next, makes that irrelevant. I had the instructions on how to arrive at the airport written down. I confirmed the directions with the ticketing agent and even asked someone at the boarding deck for the train if it was the right train I was getting on. Once on, I could feel something wasn’t right… 15 mins go by before the first stop. When I look at the train route, somehow with all the preparation and all the questions I was going in the wrong direction. I jumped off the train, and asked for directions to the correct boarding dock to get where I needed to go. I stand there waiting, along with another young couple who had also gotten on the wrong train. 30 mins go by and the train we were waiting for never came. Come to find out, I we were given the wrong directions again. By the time we arrived back where we had started an hour had gone by. I still continued on to the airport hoping there was a miracle waiting for me. There was, but not as I had hoped. I missed my flight, and because I was late, my ticket was completely non refundable and to get on a later flight I would have to purchase another ticket. Not knowing if, in fact, this guy was even going to be on the other end to pick me up, I finally listed to that voice. I was never supposed to be no that flight to begin with and deep down I knew it.

Luckily during the first 8 days in Paris, I used most of that time to meet people and become one with the city. With no phone I showed up at the boutique of one of the guys I met, and asked if the couch he had offered if I ever ended up back in Paris was still available? He asked what happened and lovingly opened up his home to a complete stranger. Within hours, I was connected with a fb friend of his who was about to go on holiday. A huge 1 bedroom apt was available for rent, and he let me rent it for only 200 Euros/week and a complimentary Reiki session.

But even with how everything seemed to be falling into place, I couldn’t help but fall into what seemed like a depression and attachment to that of my brokenness. Over the course of the next couple weeks, he never even returned an email. I would barely leave the apartment… well at least for a reason that would be seen as healthy. Feeling broken and incomplete, I began my search for validation through sex. I barely cared who it was, as long as if even for 20 mins they helped me forget about that void I was feeling inside.

I began to look at my finances and realized I wasn’t going to be able to stay in Europe, but I had to. I knew this couldn’t be it, but how. Blessed to have a trade that can go anywhere and finding an apt in Paris big enough to begin doing my healing work I purchased a massage table. Still stuck in the isolation of my mind, broken and in pain, I began taking clients. Ego aside, the energy would flow through me. One after another, experiences were shared. Through others I began to remember who I was. 2 weeks came and went, and I knew I wasn’t supposed to leave yet, I wasn’t ready…. I still had healing I had to do within myself. During that 2 weeks I made a couple thousand Eros, enough to rent yet another apt for 2 more weeks. This time, from an amazing guy from NY who had traveled the world living on people’s couches, setting up home in Paris, not knowing the language at all when he started. I was no longer taking as many clients, but the language barrier kept me in a place of isolation. I was forced to begin reentering the city. Funny thing about Paris, for me, is no matter what I felt inside, the second I began walking the streets, I would fall in love all over again. There was a flow, a life force of elegant vibration that would exude the streets and the buildings. Every time one would turn around, there would be something to see that would take your breath away. Somehow I began meeting more people, even going out on a few dates. Random sex was no longer an option. I was somehow remembering that I was worth more.

I did have a couple more clients while there. One: a young Roman actor going through his own on a journey of his own lay on my table. By the end of the session, tears were flowing down his face. He didn’t know why or where they were coming from, and kept apologizing. I could feel my heart open a little more. This beautiful man and I are still in touch and probably will remain lifelong friends. A couple days later, a man who had never experienced Reiki but eager to give it a try had a turn on my table. A man of probably 6’3 230lbs of muscle: again brought to uncontrollable tears, both during and after his session. We stood there with an embrace of 2 people who had known each other for a lifetime. We began to discuss the journey he too was on, and the things that came up during the session. Humbled to think that I have been given the gift of being a part of the 2 men’s life despite the pain and incompleteness I was feeling myself.

That was the last client I saw while I was in Paris. I guess it was time to go out, and allow myself to experience the love and the embrace of city that allowed me to become broken and lost in despair. I began to feel a light within come back from being lost. I began to hear the song sung to the rhythm of my own heart. I began to realize why I missed that flight. I was never supposed to be on it, and what a perfect scenario to be forced to find myself. I was stranded in a city I didn’t know the language. I was stranded in a city that no matter how isolated I felt in the grips of my own mind, my own ego: always had a glow of unequal beauty and presence. I was lost in a city that was ready to wait until I was ready to let go and surrender to the light within that has always illuminated my path no matter how dark it seemed. Within a week, I knew my journey had begun to come to an end. I booked my final tickets; I ventured out to finally submit my portfolio and who I was for representation as a model. Rejection after rejection, I could feel myself getting stronger. It no longer mattered if they liked what they saw. It no longer mattered if I had their approval. I had become who I was meant to become during this trip.

In each of our journeys we are presented with many opportunities to face what is within. We are presented with opportunities to face who we once were and allow that aspect of self to join in the light of whom and what we always were.

During this time I began to work on writing a song. Only the first verse has been written, but I thought I would share the lyrics:

I don’t know, where I’m going

I don’t know, where this path may lead

I don’t know what the world has in store

But what I know is who I AM

This song and these words continue to pore through my being, like the soft whisper of an Angel. It is within these words that I know, like I know my name that I don’t need to know or understand what is going on around me, for as long as I continue to seek light: light in me, and in all people and things around me… what I will find, is my path.

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

For 3 months I have been traveling the US and Europe. I have hiked the Himalayas of Kashmir India and lived in the ashram of my Guru all the way to the south. I have slept on couches of strangers and made lifelong friends. One by one, I have checked things and places off of my bucket list. There are still many to go; but while sitting at the base of the Eiffel tower, sun started to set through its magnificent architecture, I realized something. There are just some things that are worth holding out for the fairytale, to experience. Already deciding to not get the bottle of wine, but an ice cream cone and a bottle water, something still wasn’t quite right.

I have always imagined that sunset: sitting there with a glass of wine, on a blanket; but laying there with someone else, sharing in each others company the beauty of the experience. As I walked away, about an hour before the sun actually sat, I knew I would be back, only this time not just for the experience, but to fulfill the fairytale I’ve always dreamed of.

Walking the streets of Rome or hiking through the majestic palace gardens of Sintra Portugal, being alone was fine: it was more than fine… it was perfect. But here in Paris, there is something different. I normally don’t mind being alone, actually prefer it… that way I can just get lost in the moment and experience the energy and go wherever feels right: but not here! Maybe it’s the larger streets. Maybe it’s that the city is so dirty and old. Maybe it’s that I don’t speak the language, other than: hello, please, thank you, I don’t speak French- do you speak English. I just don’t know. In other cities I wanted to explore, and I was always on the go: but not here.

Here, I want to sit. Here, I want to just watch the day go by, and allow my imagination to fly. Here, I feel like I am going inside as a poetic flame begins to burn. There is a romance here, and it doesn’t feel right to be experiencing it by myself.  I want to share this with someone, and not after I’ve already experienced what seems all the city has to offer, but for the first time. I feel inspired here. Paris is truly the city of love. Even in all the hustle and bustle, I feel calm, like nothing is going anywhere.

People have said this trip that I’m on, is the trip of a lifetime, something that only happens once. I say why? As I have begun to let go of the limitations that society has taught me, I have truly learned that anything is possible in this world. It is not about working hard for long hours to get somewhere in life: it is about letting go and allowing life to happen: in this moment, not in the future somewhere.

From here, I fly to Salzburg Austria, and then drive for 4 hours, high into the Alps to spend a few weeks. I will be hanging with a friend I have been talking to online for the last year or so. Something about this part of my trip feels like I am going home. See, I grew up in a small town of 1200 people (1180, when I left back in 1990) deep in the Rocky Mountains of Montana. I grew up tucked away from the rest of the world. But, it was there, that I learned the beauty and the simplicity of life. For those of you who know me, you have heard me say a time or 2 that I am just a small town country boy. Of course, my mom says I have never been a small town country boy! Lol Somehow I have always known there was another world out there, beyond the walls and confines of life as I knew it. Little did I know, that as I got older and had the opportunity to explore the world, it would be that simple life in the mountains, that no matter how crazy life seems, or how fast my mind began to spin I could always go back to to find peace.

To this day, when things in my life get crazy, I can still close my eyes and remember those spring and summer days when I would follow the creek behind the house to the Kootenai River, and get lost in the sound of its power. I would close my eyes and I remember disappearing. I would begin to hear the whisper of the wind, the song of the birds and the rustle of some of the wildlife nearby. I was never afraid of living when I was there. I always felt connected like everything would be OK. And I would sit, sit for what seemed hours. Maybe that is why, even to this day, in all of my teachings: I find walking meditations and Elemental therapy to be the most powerful. No matter where any of us go, you can always find the elements, then of course color (my other favorite form of therapy)! I really miss those days.

I have not made any plans for how long I will stay in Austria, or where I am going and what I am doing after. As the day I go there approaches, I can feel something inside me starting to shift. Something is really longing for a place to call home, even if just for a while. I still have many places to go, and lots of traveling ahead of me; but, the idea of pulling everything out of suit cases, putting it in drawers and closets and putting the suit cases, or in my case duffel bag away just sounds heavenly.

Maybe I will take the time I am in Austria and begin to set up retreats, combining my Conscious Awakening Seminar and Reiki Certification courses in a few countries around Europe, but hang out in Austria for a few months and do some real writing.

Well, time to get showered and dressed to go meet a new Parisian friend for coffee in the center.

So whether it’s a glass of wine at sunset under the Eiffel Tower, laying in front of a fire during a blizzard, Floating down the canals in Venice, or a Sunrise in Fiji… I guess there are just some things in life worth holding out for the fairytale on. This isn’t the trip of a Lifetime; it is only a taste of what life is supposed to be about. I guess I will always just be a Hopeful Romantic… because there is nothing Hopeless about Love!

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

RED KROKODIL: NOT JUST A MOVIE, at least not to me. Only 5 months ago, when Domizano Cristophoro presented me with the idea of leading role in a 1 man film on this insane drug, I thought he was crazy! To take a leading role, to take the only role; but, he was confident that he made the right decision. Over the days and weeks to come we talked about the movie, and from day 1, I knew that I already knew this character.

Krokodil: Desomorphine that has swept it way through Russia for the last 10 years, filling in the gaps where Heroine is not available and not affordable. This simple yet dangerous drug, made from basic over the counter supplies, much in the same way Methamphetamine is cooked, has now began to find its way into Eastern Europe. The Russian government has known about this drug, and has done little to nothing to stop either the production of the treatment of those who have found their way to this horrific drug. What is sickening, is that this drug is made from an over the counter Codeine pill; but because the sale of this over the counter drug has such high profit margin and makes up for such a high percentage of the revenues for the pharmaceutical companies, the pharmaceutical companies are actually fighting the government to keep them from making such restrictions as “purchase with prescription ONLY”.

It’s easy to get upset at the Government and businesses like Pharma when they are doing (or not doing) stuff like this in other countries, but the truth is, my country: the country of opportunity, government and Pharma do very much the same thing at the detriment of the people who look to it for their wellbeing.

I knew when I arrived in Rome, this was not going to be an easy role. To play this character, I would have to go back into the depths of my own addiction. Within 2 months from the time I found out that my ex (of almost the last year) before had been lying to me about his HIV Status, and there was a really great chance I was now positive: I found my way to drugs. Many, including the Director of the film, would ask, “How, if you know what a drug can do, would you ever do it in the first place?” The answer is simple: everyone thinks they will be different. Because they aren’t an addict, they just like to have fun, and the drugs help you forget everything: the pain of living, the emotions you have never been given the tools to digest; because since you were little, you have been taught emotion is bad, or “WRONG”. For me the drugs helped me to not feel like I was tainted, or dirty for this virus that was now living inside me. And, I wish I could say that it was just all within my own head that I felt that. But, look around. When Drug companies and Health Care Departments, use fear of HIV as a means to “Prevent” HIV, what they are doing is not preventing it, but ostracizing those with it. Rather than empowering those who are living, to make it so they aren’t terrified of disclose and to allow others to become educated, they are adding the stigma of shame and guild on top of them.

My mom told me a story, just a couple months ago actually. She was talking with my grandma, and told grandma she was going to go out and just get drunk (an event that maybe happened once a year). My grandma responded, saying why it won’t solve any of your problems and they won’t go away. And my mom agreed, but said, “Drinking won’t solve your problems or make them go away, but at least I can forget, even if just for one night. Then I can start over and deal with it tomorrow.”

But when you don’t see any way out, or any relief, no matter how much you try to work on what needs to be done, to relieve the pain you feel inside, and remove that image you see every time you look in the mirror: Addiction Makes Sense. At least it does to me.

For 9 days: Day in and Day out, I lived ate and slept in the face of addiction once again. Only this time, it wasn’t a slow progression: where you go from having friends and a job, nice furniture and a life: to living in filth, where your entire life is about the getting and doing of the only thing you know in life that allows you to feel ok. This time, I went from Life to Addiction.

I remember the first scene where I had to put a needle to my skin and “act like I was shooting up”. For me, it wasn’t acting anymore. I began to feel that burning feeling of toxic ecstasy crawling through my body. I could feel it like the hand of evil reaching up through me, with his hands wrapped around my neck, choking me, stealing my breath. I could feel the circulation to my teeth being shut off. I couldn’t breathe, I was choking and gasping for air, and as quick as it passed I was able to take a deep breath again, my heart would stop racing and I would feel normal, at peace. And, it wasn’t acting… I could actually still feel the drug inside me, even though there was nothing there. After the 3^rd take or so, I had to stop. I had to take a break, it was too real and I wasn’t ready for that.

I looked around and I was literally living in filth. As the result of my own addiction, throughout the years I have lost 9 teeth. To add to the realism of the film, I did the film without those 9 teeth in place. I couldn’t eat normally anymore, the people around me, couldn’t understand me when I tried to speak. Once again, I was the person I could barely tolerate to look at in the mirror. Sores and dirt covered my body. There was no gentle transition over months or even years of self destruction to get to this point, I was there. One day I was healthy and alive, and the next day I was going to die at any moment, and in the role: I didn’t care, I just needed a fix.

Finally we broke for a few days to go to the south: to the beach. I got to shave my neck and look somewhat human again. I got to wake up knowing there was going to be a day where I was outside in the sun, living breathing and connecting with the light that I knew was still inside me.

But, it was only a few days, and then reset the studio and 2 more days of filming. Emotions were high those last few days. I just wanted to be done. Since we started to film, I had this cough. At night: sweats that would drench me and the entire bed. On the final day of filming, I woke up at 5:30am. I had sent an email to my Reiki teacher the day before because I felt I was releasing some serious energy from my heart chakra; but, doing work on myself didn’t seem to be helping and asked if he could do some distant work on me (lower lung and chest issues are directly tied to the heart chakra energy). When I woke up that morning, I was sweating like normal, I could feel my body on fire, but I began to have chills that were almost like convulsions. They would last for about 15 seconds at a time, then subside for about 30 seconds to a minute and start again. This went on for about 30 mins. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to film, or if I needed to go to the hospital. After, I was able to lay there, and although I didn’t feel back to normal, I was starting to feel better.

I have had many people on my table when doing healing work on them, begin to shake frantically, and some go into what appeared to be Seizures, but had never experienced this sort of energy release myself. That final day was a very emotional day, and in many ways probably the most healing. I could no longer simply be the role, I was being myself as I used to be. In the final scene of shooting (not the final scene of the film), I have one of those scary reality checks that every addict has, where you actually think you are dying; and this time, the camera was right there to capture it.

Once we set up the scene, I looked at the director and told him we couldn’t do it the way he wanted to, we would have to rewrite the scene. We would have to re position the angle of filming and redirect the focus, even if it made the scene more graphic. Once the scene was reset, we went on. I was never so excited to get out of character in my life. Shower, throw away the bandages, wash off the makeup, shave, trim my body hair, put back in my teeth and look presentable.

For the last 5 years I have worked really hard to be able to look in the mirror to see myself as nothing but light and to embrace the perfection that is all of us. But before now, that meant shutting the door on an aspect of me, that I couldn’t see myself as anymore. It wasn’t me anymore, it was in my past; but, not now. Today I look in the mirror, and I can see that part of my life, even in my eyes; but, I don’t see it any longer as pain or darkness but strength and part of my truth.

In my last few days in Italy, I began hanging out with an amazing young man (my body double for a couple of the scenes in the movie actually). We spent hours just talking. One early afternoon, he took me to this park by his place. There were chickens, and a beautiful white horse. The day before, we spoke about energy, and briefly about what I do, and how I can feel energy and sometimes even see it. He was interested, but like many, because he couldn’t see or feel it: it wasn’t part of his beliefs.

We walked up to where the white horse was. She was standing only about 10 meters away grazing. I simply called her and put my hand over the fence. She continued to eat without even acknowledging us. I looked at Giovani and told him to watch, I was sending her energy. Almost immediately, her front shoulder started to vibrate and twitch. She began to kick at the dirt with her back leg, even with the front. Then Like a magnet, slowly at first, then quicker she began to get pulled to the place this feeling was coming from. She walked right up to us. Giovani jumped back at first, not sure what had just happened, but then warmed up and began to pet the horse. Before we left, she stood there as I put my forehead to hers, like a little embrace. He had never seen something like that before.

We continued to walk and just talk about life, nature, energy, and inner truth. He himself was going through a bit of a transformation, so timing was perfect, Divine if you will! 😉 But for me, it was so needed, I had to finally be able to reintegrate my work and the life I know today into that of my past and no longer live them as separate.

Throughout the last 2 days, I have received emails of people who saw me as their light of inspiration in that of their own path, telling me about how beautiful their lives were becoming, how they were truly beginning to see themselves for their own light and their own truth. I think I spent the better part of a morning/afternoon with tears of Joy and Divine Bliss streaming down my face. I have never felt so open, at peace and full, but empty at the same time. I just AM!

Healing happens in many forms and in many ways; but to me, true healing is when we learn to let go of the labels of darkness and pain we attach to people places or things we hold within us, and allow them to be the brilliance for which they are. Healing is when we learn to live in the oneness of our being, embracing all that we are as part of our light, without regret, without feeling the need to “forgive” but to truly embrace and accept that of our own depth as strength, beauty, and light. You are Love, You are Light, YOU ARE ALREADY PERFECT!

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

For 9 Days… 6, sometimes as many as 9 hours a day I have surrendered not only to a role in a movie, but an aspect of my life many would see as the most painful or darkest times in my life. And up till now, I would probably agree with them: during that time I was lost, but at the same time, there was part of me waking up and finally seeking something more. The last 9 days have been tough, but only because of the emotion that I was finally given the ability to go back and feel: the compassion that I have learned to hold for myself and that part of myself I have ran from, even almost feared.

In an interview about the movie, I was asked about the type of empathy I was able to give to the character. I don’t have to give him empathy, he is me, and I am him. I understand his journey. Many have asked me and others who have gone down the road of addiction, “Why don’t you just stop?” Answer… If I knew how I would. But, see… once you enter into the world of addiction, everything within your being shifts. You are no longer the same person. The life you once knew becomes a distant memory. You know things used to be different, but you can’t remember exactly how, and have no idea how or when they became lost.

Before I entered my life addiction, I was a very judgmental person. I wouldn’t even go on a date with someone if I found out the smoked pot, “Because Drugs will Kill YOU, Drugs are BAD”. And, I can tell you where that comes from too: My Birth Father. (I specify “Birth Father” because a) it sounds better than “Sperm Donor who stuck around a few years” b) he was never a father to me or my sisters). See, The only memories of my Birth Father, were of him being Drunk, High, Drunk and High… Being sober to pick us up from my mom’s house (where we lived) and forcing us to come with him (whether I had swim lessons, a birthday party for a friend, Boy Scout camp, ect..) getting us back to his house, leaving us with my older sisters (he had custody of) giving everyone chores then going out with his wife to get drunk. There is at least 1 time I remember screaming and crying so severely that I didn’t want to go, my step dad stepped in… only to have the cops called to showed up and force my younger sister and I to go with our “father”. This was a man who was physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually abusive. Between the abuse of us as well as the drugs or alcohol, it was the only way I knew him.

The first time I remember him touching me (sexually) I was between 2 and 3 years old. The only reason I know the age is, one day I described the layout of where we lived and asked my mom how old I was when we lived there. My mom looked at me, sort of puzzled, and told me we moved away from there when I was 3. I didn’t tell her, at the time, the reason I asked was I had just begun having flash backs to those nights after everyone went to bed, and he would enter first my room, then my bed.

He finally gave up his rights even be called my father, when I was 9. I remember standing in the court room that day telling the judge, with him standing right there, where I wanted to live. Until then, I would wet the bed for the few days b4 going to his house and the few days after returning (every other weekend) and the month before and after getting back from his house for 6 weeks every summer. At 9 years old I was finally free, well sort of.

By 9, you have already learned how you are conditioned to understand love, and have truly entered into the most formative of emotional and relationship building years. By then I already learned that if a man loved me, he wanted to have sex with me: that that is the way men display love. As I have begun my work as a healer I realize that my sexual compulsion is only a symptom of not feeling safe and secure in that of my own body, and sex is the only behavioral tool of acceptable means of to find or bring balance to this lack of connection to my physical body once emotional energy begins (as taught by society). Sexual energy and Emotional energy are from the same energy center of the body. Imbalances within this energy center are also where addictions most always begin. This does not, by any means, make what happened to me, or anyone else like me, acceptable, but I now understand where it comes from.

Although Sex became very much of the thing that drove most of my relationships, I could not be with anyone who was high or who got high. One set of behaviors from my past became my norm, while the other is the part of my past that I despised. It’s no wonder, that as hard as I ran from drugs: that it is actually drug use that I ended up right in the middle of. And, not just drug use, but IV drug use for 5 years. But, how does one end up going from “anti everything”, to IV drug user? Easily… continue to run from whom you are and that of your being, long enough: not listening to that little voice inside of you trying to guide and direct you, you will eventually call in the vibration that is guaranteed to finally force you to stop breath and awaken consciously, or die so that you can re-emerge fully within the oneness of creation.

See our Higher Self, or subconscious mind wants us to awaken consciously. That is the entire purpose of this life, for it is only when awakened consciously that one has the ability to experience what “Christian, and many other Dogmas” describe as heaven. But see, Heaven and Hell are not places in the sky or deep within the earth. Heaven and Hell are right here on Earth. Hell is the place of bondage residing in the confines of our EGO or our Minds. Heaven is that place, also here on Earth, where we have freed ourselves from ego: where we no longer see anyone or anything as being separate, but as one: all of the same vibration… LOVE! Love is the vibration from which all things are created, so it makes sense that if all is created from Love, then Heaven is also right here in the same place for which all is created. Then why do we not experience heaven right here right now, from this plane of consciousness…. EGO!

Oops: a little bit of a tangent… hehehee

We wrapped, for a 3 day holiday, 2 days ago. Day one we went into the center of Rome, Vatican City, and then later that evening took the 4hr train ride to the South of Italy. Rome was beautiful and great, but down here in the South, it is magical. It’s sort of funny… as most stand in Awe of the feats of man, in the places they have conquered the Earth:  leaving a mark for what lasts Centuries: it is in those places on Earth where she is still free to create and exist in perfect harmony that makes my heart sing. I remember standing looking at places like the Coliseum, and thinking of how many men (slaves) had to die to create this masterpiece designed as a ring of death for the killing of some and to prove the manliness and brute strength of others simply for the enjoyment of entertainment of the people of the time. This is a Masterpiece created to support the ego of those ruling the land so they could leave their mark on the world. With as awed at the creation as I was, I couldn’t help but feel just as nauseous.

Yesterday we went to Spiaggia Nera (Black Beach) and sat for hours, and swam in the Sea. I swam into the caves, around the rocks, even climbed a few, diving back down into the beautiful blue and green water. I felt so alive and refreshed.

At one point, trying to ride the current onto some rocks, I gouged a few of the tips of my fingers. Funny, it wasn’t because the rocks were overly sharp, but only because I wanted to get where I was heading now, not when nature was going to get me there. The currant brought me slightly onto the rocks: I grabbed hold and tried to climb frantically b4 the hands of her current pulled me back into the sea; but, she won. I giggled, and with the next currant, she lifted me up, onto the rock, and I was free to bask in the sun, while she embraced my being and her symphony of natural beauty played around me. Sitting here now, I still get lost in that moment. I can still hear her percussion of waves crashing on the rocks around me. I can feel the soft melody of the horn section blowing in the wind, with the occasional flute solo of a bird flying in and out of the range, while the whole time there was the firey crescendo of the strings pouring out through the rays of the sun.  I was so connected and alive. AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Domiziano and I are trying to figure out what tattoos to get to symbolize this experience of the movie. For him, it is the end of a circle, the end of a cycle of certain type of movies, and for me just the beginning. This movie is the reintegration of an aspect of my life, I once saw as my past: but now, am truly embracing as part of that which I still am: a beautiful part of who I still am. In a world of Oneness, there is no removal of anything: for I am one with everything, past present and future, and it me! Today, one more day at the beach, then back to Rome for a few more days of filming.

I am excited about what is to come of this movie “RED KROKODIL”; but, even if nothing does come of it, I have already received so many gifts. I have had the opportunity to reclaim a huge part of my life with love and compassion. I have met some amazing new friends, which I will never forget. I have seen parts of the world some may never allow themselves permission to experience, and most of all: I have learned that no matter how dark something (and for me, my past) may seem, once you walk into the middle of it, you will become the light that illuminates a truth and new perspective. This movie, despite ticket or DVD sales, is already a success. Now, it is my hope, that you will have the opportunity to see and experience this movie as well. And from within it, find the strength to face your own darkness and give yourself the love and compassion you are worth…before it’s too late!

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

Ever since Washington DC, I have seemed to be slipping in to a dark place; but, at the same time, integrating new understandings of being and new energies. There has been an activation of Kundalini that has been intense, but I wish that is all it was.

A venture beyond anything that could have been expected, or even fathomed: from DC, to NY, now in Rome… My life will never be the same! To truly experience and understand the power of one’s light, one must first stop and acknowledge what they see within their being as dark, either in the moment or in the past, and learn that there is no difference between light and dark in the understanding of oneness. The differences that we perceive are nothing more than the ego.

I feel this is exactly what has been going on with me. Towards the middle of the stay in DC with the family, a filling fell out of one of my teeth. Then upon getting out of the bus and making it down to the train to buy a metro pass for the week, I somehow lost my wallet. Over the course of the next couple days, I would set something down and go to grab it, only a couple hours later, and have it nowhere in proximity to where I had put it: then to find it 2-3 days later lying in the middle of the bed, or the middle of the apt.

There has also been an amazing rising of sexual energy within, almost like a Kundalini rising. This new energy is very much in contradictory of the healing energies I usually draw from in my life. As a result of this integration, I chose to not partake in much of the pride activities over the course of the weekend in NY. Instead, I spent an afternoon going to a couple amazing performances at The Joyce, meeting with a great friend for a walk on the High Line, going out for drinks with new friends, but nothing too crazy. Luckily in everything I lost, I still had my passport, so I was still able to travel and replace my debit card b4 getting on the plane for Rome.

But something didn’t feel right. My sleep patterns were off. In the couple days before arriving to Rome, I couldn’t sleep (I chalked it up to nerves and excitement). Upon arriving in Rome, all I could do was sleep… almost like I had Mono. If I were to sit down for more than about 30 seconds I was asleep. But… that is also where it started getting weird. Every time I would close my eyes I would be transported to what seemed a parallel dimension of existence where I was still lost in my addiction. It was more than a dream. Every time I would close my eyes… didn’t matter when or where… it was as if the dream had not stopped moving forward.

Luckily my first day of filming, most were sleeping scenes. Lol but WOW: talk about a trip. Covered in bandages and what looked like dirt, I would close my eyes and the dream had me in a place almost identical to the scene I was acting in real life. The direction was different and there was no cut. I didn’t even realize I had fallen asleep. Soon I would here “Brock, Brock, Brock”. Not even realizing I was sleeping I would say something stupid like “yeah, I’m here”… and would deny that I was sleeping, thinking I was paying attention to everything that was going on.

This went on for the first few days of filming. Somehow, I began to realize that life at a fork in the road doesn’t change, only our path of conscious living. What I was experiencing was just as much real as what I am living today. It was a beautiful gift. As I began to realize this, and begin to embrace all that I am, even all that I was, the less I would have to sleep. The more I stopped looking at my past as something only as the past but something that is still very much real inside me, and stopped looking at it as something I have to move beyond, the less that parallel dimension of self was coming in to “steel my dreams and my sleep”. Only when we run from our past and only when we try to move beyond it, does it have the ability to haunt us.

By day 3 of filming I was back to what felt like my normal self. This also happened to be when we started getting into some of the most intense scenes of the movie. In many scenes I do not even have to “act” I am able to simple live; live so completely in the moment that the feeling or the connection to the role also becomes real. The problem is, in scenes where there are supposed to be tears, they are not there to fall. No longer looking at any of my past as something horrible or painful, but only as love and light, has removed the pain I would normally draw upon to give to a role like this. As the movie goes on, I am finding more and more peace in my spirit and my soul.

The shift I am experiencing is something I am not even sure I can put into writing. In my work, I teach that emotions are nothing more than an indicator of our alignment. When you let go of the defining label that society and the ego has put on that emotion, one is able to observe and experience the emotion for exactly what it is… a vibration of energy designed to remind a person to pause and breath into whom and what they are.

In science, it is the beat of the heart that defines life within the womb. The heart pumps the food and the nourishment needed to build and create what is to become the body. In this process, there is a bio-kinetic energy being created through the splitting of atoms and cells. Only when the process of cellular regeneration ends from within the body, do we begin the process of dying. Death is then defined by when the Heart stops beating and supplying the food needed for sustainable life.

I use this understanding in my work as well, for according to my understanding, the heart’s only ability is to energetically give and receive love. It is not to feel emotion, but to transfer emotion into energy that can be then converted into nutrient to feed and fuel the rest of the body. When at the heart as what transfers the unconditional love of the universe into the love that creates our being, one begins to see and understand that what we are as people is nothing more or less than the vibration of love.

During the process of cellular splitting and regeneration, science shows that in this simple action, a light is produced…. This is the light of self. It is a light that is conditional upon life. It is a light that is guaranteed for as long as we are still breathing and our hearts are still beating. Every event in our lives is drawn to us for the experience that it is will offer to allow that of our being to grow in the understanding that will assist us to fulfill our purpose.

Emotion, as I stated before, is nothing more than an indicator of our alignment of self. When we are in perfect alignment of self: vertically connecting only to the nurturing embrace of the earth and abundance grace of the universe are we able to experience ourselves for the love and light that define whom and what that we are. Emotion, beyond just an indicator of our alignment is and indicator that we have moved from a vertical connection to Self and into a horizontal attachment to a person place thing or idea that is around us.

I am not saying I no longer feel emotion, because believe me (and you can ask my family), I can become very emotional. But, I no longer have the need to define it as something, so its experience within has shifted, and I no longer stay attached to the emotion long enough to give it a label, or long enough for my ego to attach that emotion to a definition of who I am. Once I remember to allow the emotion to become the indicator that it is, I am able to do exactly what it has intended me to do… pause breath into that for whom and what I was designed and grow from the experience life has brought me. Life is no longer light and dark. Life is no longer right or wrong. Life is becoming an experience of growth and understanding.

Another week of filming “Red Krokodile” by film director and producer Domiziano Christopharo: a story about an addict. An addict without hope of ever being able to return to a normal life again (whatever that may have been), where I get to play the addict… I get to play an aspect of who I am, and share this journey with the audience. This film may be seen as a horror, or simply a depiction of life graphically designed to create an emotion within you that will hopefully get you to pause breath and understand the love that all being already are… even those that reflect what is seen as the worst or darkest parts of society.

I am YOU, YOU are ME… and WE are ALL ONE! May your ego loose grip enough, so that YOU have the ability to see and experience the Oneness of creating, through the Awareness, Understanding, and Alignment of SELF!!!

YOUR ARE LOVE AND YOU ARE LIGHT… Science has already proven it!

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

Family… The single biggest lesson in the understanding of whom and what you are, and opportunity for spiritual growth. And, if you think you have that down, try 5 days with 3 generations of family in one hotel room. Don’t get me wrong, I love them all dearly, and would go to the end of the world for any of them, but the verb “BREATHE” took on a whole new meaning! Lol

One week ago today, I arrived in Dunn NC. This was the first time I had ever made it to the home of my little sister and her family. Friday, I was Uncle Brock “the babysitter”. And let me tell you, this brought me to places I had totally forgotten about.

My 10yr old niece is a spitting image of my sister, to the point I was in constant state of going back in time… memory lane. But: it didn’t always seem like memory lane. While walking through the field next to their house, with both my nephew and my niece, we were laughing and playing around. I don’t even remember what she said or what she said, both of which completely arbitrary for what happened. Sort of like Déjà vu, I was transported to a time of the past. I knew this moment had happened before, only last time with her mother.

As kids, we used to run though the fields behind the house, run through the woods, and play by the river. That was a time when kids were allowed to be kids. Fear had not taken over the parenting of adults. Fear of children being taken, fear of children getting hurt, fear, that children might do something that is not under the control and manipulation of the parent.  For a moment, I was back in a time and place where kids were not allowed to sit for hours in front of a TV, or in front of a computer game, a time when you had to call someone or speak to them in person and learn how to communicate, not hide behind a screen, and a time you were still encouraged to go out and find out who you were, not punished for not being who your parents wanted to be. I know that last part is a little grandiose, as it was a little bit of a lie in and of itself.

The first lesson of understanding the a child learns, is not Love, but a lesson of control and manipulation for the feeling of security by the parents. And before any of you parents out there get upset, ask yourself, “what was your 2yr old child’s favorite word?”. If you are honest with yourself, you will quickly realize or remember the word “NO”, for this is also the word that got them in the most trouble and even got them tapped on the tail a few times.

But, let’s look at the word no… What does it really mean? If you ask a parent who is using it, it is a word that is keeping the child from getting hurt or doing something wrong. But, let’s leave that all behind us for a second and look at the energy behind the word. Who and what is the word actually being used for. Yes, a child may get hurt, or do something you may not want them to do; but, is it not for your own happiness that you are saying the word no? Are you not, in fact trying to control the actions of those around you to make you feel better?

By the age of 2, the biggest lesson a child has learned that in order for me to feel safe and secure within my being I must display a means of control that allows me to manipulate those around me. If, and only if, I am successful at controlling and manipulating those around me well enough to secure an atmosphere that is pleasing to me, can I be happy. OUCH… and really?

When a person does not feel safe and secure within their own being (typically any time a person is having an emotion other than joy) it is taught (not natural, but taught) instinct to control and manipulate the situation to make it responsible for your joy. But, then again, how well has that worked out for you in your own life, if by the time of being a parent this is still the lesson you are trying to force onto your children?

Children will do what they know will get a reaction from you, simply because it is what they have learned as the only way to have personal power.

There are a couple things within that last statement I want to look at.

1)      Reaction

2)      Personal Power

What is a reaction? Most believe a reaction to be physical, or verbal, but where does either come from? As a human, we receive energy from both the earth and the universe at the same time. The energy of the earth is what gives us our sense of security, while the energy of the universe is what gives us our sense of knowing. A reaction, because the energy of the universe hits the mind (the part of the body controlling verbal and physical communications) first, and is the most prevalent in methodology of teaching, is an imbalance in the flow of energy. But, how do we change this? Easy, we pause and we breathe.

In this simple action, we give both  the energy of the earth and the energy of the universe time to connect at the center point, which is the heart.

The energy of the earth (safety and security) is drawn up the body and through our emotional being (culminating from the pelvic cradle or sacral area of our body) and is then digested through our “power of self”. Once we have digested our emotional (reaction) and allowed that energy to reach all the way up to the heart, we have the opportunity to discover and realize who and what we really are in any given situation.

The energy of the universe (sense of knowing and understanding) is processed down through the mind (or the ego) to bass through the biplane of energy between spiritual and physical energy at the throat. At this point, it too, has the ability to reach the heart.

And ALL THIS: in a single breath and a single pause. At the moment the energies culminate in the heart we now have the ability to respond from a place of love, rather than ego or emotional power.

The word “no” is a word that can hold the power of either the mind or the ego depending on the situation. Either way, it indicates that we are connecting horizontally to those things or people that are around us, rather than vertically to the energy of our highest being and to who and what we are in the enlightened state of being. But, why is this so hard to obtain?

Personal Power! As already described, the world “no” is a display of personal power. It is an indication that who and what we are, is not safe unless the circumstances around us are to are liking. But, is the ability to control and manipulate true power? NO, it is not!!! It, is an indication of a misalignment of self! True personal power comes in one’s ability to stand in their own light regardless of what is going on around them: without the need to react.

How can you tell if one is speaking from a place of ego/emotion Vs the Heart? Easy, the level of attachment the person has to the word that come out of their mouth. If, Once something is said, they are able to maintain a level of peace regardless of others conformity to what they say… it is from the heart, if not and they continue to get more and more angry or aggressive, it shows that it is someone who is speaking from emotion and who’s ego or level of personal power is by their ability to control and manipulate.

PHEW…. How’s that for a tangent! Lol but it was something I feel I had to go into in order to explain the rest of my experiences with the family.

Detachment, and the ability to stand in one’s light regardless of what is going on around them is something very difficult, especially  in the presence of one’s family. The typical family dynamic is set up, with the adults securing the energy of the space to make sure everyone (or at least themselves are having a good time). But what happens when the children continue to stand in the way of your control.

This was the biggest lesson I was faced with while touring Washington DC for the last 5 days, once my sister, her family, my mom and stepdad, and nephew (under the custody of my mom and step dad) all met to reside in a 2 bedroom single family residence. As the week went on, nerves and emotions were getting raw, of all persons involved. 2 different sets of parenting ideals, and 2 different sets of expectations of what is an acceptable code of conduct for children being enforced separately for 2 different sets of kids: all under the same roof. You can only imagine the levels of attachment to control and manipulation of the environment were going on by the adults.

Before the end of the trip, I found myself in the middle of the entire energy cluster of attachment. At this point, I too, was now getting angry at the children, for things that at the beginning of the trip would not have bothered me, because I knew what was about to happen from the parents of the children. Somehow, I felt that if I stepped in for the correction and allowed myself to also get attached to the manipulation of the children for my happiness, I could prevent the reactions of those around me, and then I could find peace within myself… a sense of peace that at some point was long gone.

After an explosion of my own energy I had to go for a walk. I had to go to see a sunset: a place I knew I could find center. It took a while of breathing, and beating myself up for reacting the way I did, and allowing myself to be in that state of alignment to the point that I lashed out on someone just to make myself feel better. After an hour or so, I went back. The children were already in bed. The hotel was pretty quiet the rest of the night, but I still didn’t feel right.

The next morning, as soon as my nephew woke up, I went to his bed. It was time for me to apologize for my actions. I had to let him know, that although he had done something he knew he was not supposed to do, I was wrong for the way I dealt with the situation and taking out on him where I was energetically. I knew and could feel that he understood. He and I were buddies again, and for the most part, for the rest of our final day in DC, I was able to stay unattached from all that was going on. A few times I was able to sit back and just observe. And although it wasn’t funny, got a bit of a chuckle, because I could see how ridiculous it was to begin with to even try to separate one persons attachment of control by attaching myself to the same idea of control.

It is said that over 70% of those who get into psychology do so to fix themselves and their family, and I can see why. But, with my work as a healer, it is my responsibility to stay out of the path of others, remain unattached from those around me and stay completely in my own light at all times. I know and feel in my heart, that I do not have the ability to heal anyone, unless they are willing to let go of their own beliefs that hold them in the vibration of attachment and of being broken.

It was asked of me a couple years back, while in India, “If you are a healer, what is it that you heal?” After a slight pause and a breath, checking in with how I felt about how I was about to respond, I looked at the man and said, “The only thing I would ever have the ability to heal is the perception of truth that one holds within the ego of their mind”. I understand this statement more today than ever. I can never be sad enough to make someone else happy. I can never hurt myself enough to help someone else find relief of their own pain. And, I can never assume the horizontal attachments of others so they can let go.

Alignment of self is a choice and it is a process of awakening. I may not be perceived as perfect by anyone else, and many times I may not see myself as being perfect; however, in all of my work I have found that there is only one set of absolute truths:

With the first beat of my heart: Love became the vibration of WHAT I am. As that Love began to supply the food and nutrients to create the physical body that I am today, from that energy, a Light was created. That Light is WHO I am.

I AM LOVE, I AM LIGHT, and through that, I AM PERFET!!!

And… SO ARE YOU!!!

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose