Dec 11, 2012 I pulled into San Antonio TX around 5am. It was dark, the sun about to peak over the Horizon. I was stopping to visit a friend for a couple days before I begin a 1 month work tour around the state and spend the holidays with my family. I wasn’t expecting what happened next, and I am still… only now, one month later coming to understand the depth of its truth and its message. As I attempted to walk around the front of my vehicle, not knowing what was there, stepped over the curb I found nothing to catch my foot. The earth below was not where I had thought, but 4’ lower. I fell into a concrete drainage ditch, with bruised ribs and what I now know to be possible tears inside my knee, I could feel myself going into shock. I knew that if I passed out or didn’t find a way to pull myself out, there was no telling when anyone would find me. Feel your feet, and breath is all I could hear. Quickly I began to find the foundation from within and was able to get myself out of the ditch and to my friend’s apt. He had left a key out for me, and I didn’t want to bother him, so I let myself in, got cleaned up, and put myself to bed.

A few hours later, when I awoke, I couldn’t breathe & I couldn’t walk. I think it was at that moment I received the message that I was not supposed to leave TX yet: But why? There was no way I was staying in TX. San Diego, a place of sunshine and down to earth people where my work and who I am was supported was waiting. TX was the tar pit of my past. After I left TX back in 05, I would jokingly tell people at least when I died I knew I would be going to heaven… after 5 years in AZ and 4 years in TX, I had already done my time in hell. But was it jokingly, or was there some truth to calling these 2 states hell. Is hell that place that Religion came up with as a means to scare people to “God”: a place of fire and brimstone, or is hell actually also right here on earth. I don’t believe it is either! Hell is the place that is held within that of our own mind or ego that keeps us separate from the Love and Light of Divine truth.

6.5 months ago, when I dove into the role of Drug addict for the movie Red Krokodil, I was not just playing a role… I was diving back into that place that was still very much alive within me, only masked by a pretty package I had worked hard to create. For the last few months I have struggled to find peace with that side of myself, getting to a point I am not afraid to look in the mirror and see: both that part of myself and who I’ve become at the same time looking back… and love what I see.

Over this last month, the feeling that I am not supposed to leave TX yet, has not left. And I still couldn’t see or understand why. What was here for me? Why can’t I leave? The other day, on a day off from taking clients, I went for a drive through the streets of Dallas. These were the same streets that years previous I lost myself to a life of drugs, partying and a slow painful attempt to end my own life, not caring who I hurt during my journey. For the first time in over 10 years I drove past the home where it all happened. I stopped and just sat outside for a few moments. The memories came flooding back, and I began to understand.

Dec 11^th, when I pulled into TX was a much more significant date than I could have ever came up with on my own. It took such an incredible accident to get me to pause long enough to see. While sitting there I realized something: Dec 11^th 2002 exactly 10 years prior,  was when I was served eviction papers from this amazing townhome as the result of my life as a dealer and addict. As I sat there, I could see myself throwing garbage bags of clothes out from the 3^rd story window as I tried to save the material things that still defined me. 10 years ago last month was the beginning of the journey that brought me to this moment in my life. Even as I type these words tears are beginning to stream down my face. Only they are not tears of pain, they are tears of love and acceptance.

Dallas… TX… this was no longer my hell, it was now a beautiful place that opened its arms to me, and allowed me to find my bottom, and experience such a powerfully painful result of my own creation that I was forced to stop looking down and start looking first up, then within to find Life Everlasting and Divine Truth. In that moment, I was no longer hearing the voice telling me I could no longer leave. Of course it still is not a place I really see myself ever living again, but the location no longer holds the attachment of hell or pain.

But, where am I to go next? Am I still supposed to go back to San Diego, where the path would be easy: going back where I already know a life is waiting for me: another path that I have created. Or, is it time to keep moving forward in a new direction? San Diego, is a wonderful place where I have amazing friends and incredible connections that may assist me in creating what I believe to be the life I want, but is it where I am supposed to go? I don’t know. But for now, it doesn’t feel right.

Something inside myself is telling me I still have to go further back in time. I still have a path, known as my past I must go back and heal.

At 12 years old, my family moved from the home we built from the ground up in MT. Behind that home, was a creek and a river, by which, I remember sitting for hours. It is at that creek that I remember almost taking my own life because I felt like I didn’t belong in the family I was born into. It was there I remember praying, asking “God” to watch over my sisters and my family, help them forget the pain I have caused them and move on as the happy family I believed them to be. As I went to cut my own wrist, a chilling breeze blew across the river. When I looked up, there on the river’s bank, illuminated by the glow of a summer’s moon was a magnificent wolf staring at me. I can remember the look in its eyes, like it was staring into my soul. That chilling breeze quickly turned into a surge of love and warmth, while tears streamed down my face. As I wiped my tears, and lifted my head the wolf was gone. But from that day, sometimes when I close my eyes in mediation that wolf is still there looking deep into my soul. I took that knife, went back to this childhood home and went back to bed. Then next day, I could remember my prayer and the love I felt surge through my body. I interpreted that message as, “that is why you are here”… boy was I wrong. The message was, “live, your family is already being looked over, they are exactly who and where they are supposed to be… they are already divine, as are you”.

I feel like, as I finish my stay in TX over the next few weeks, I will be going back to that home. I will be going back to yet a deeper level within to heal a hell within my own being that I once created from the projection of my own ego, believing that I was separate from the divinity from which I was created. I don’t know where this path will lead, or what my life will look like, and I hope that when it comes down to it… I never do! Life is no longer about creating something that society says I am supposed to have, but learning to listen and feel, for life cannot be defined by a pretty picture or a label that makes those around you comfortable. Life is now about going within and allowing my feeling center to guide me to my truth. I am at peace today. I no longer feel like I have to run, or be anything or anyone… For, I already am!

In the meditation that has been developed through me over the last 5 years, “The Divine Breath” the affirmation, “You are LOVE, You are LIGHT and You are Perfect, it is Whom and What You are”, is repeated from beginning to end. It is time that I to step into that truth, that I may share all that already is, and allow myself to be what it is that I am… LOVE LIGHT & PERFECTION, as are you… For we are but One in the Truth of Divine Creation.

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose