RED KROKODIL: NOT JUST A MOVIE, at least not to me. Only 5 months ago, when Domizano Cristophoro presented me with the idea of leading role in a 1 man film on this insane drug, I thought he was crazy! To take a leading role, to take the only role; but, he was confident that he made the right decision. Over the days and weeks to come we talked about the movie, and from day 1, I knew that I already knew this character.

Krokodil: Desomorphine that has swept it way through Russia for the last 10 years, filling in the gaps where Heroine is not available and not affordable. This simple yet dangerous drug, made from basic over the counter supplies, much in the same way Methamphetamine is cooked, has now began to find its way into Eastern Europe. The Russian government has known about this drug, and has done little to nothing to stop either the production of the treatment of those who have found their way to this horrific drug. What is sickening, is that this drug is made from an over the counter Codeine pill; but because the sale of this over the counter drug has such high profit margin and makes up for such a high percentage of the revenues for the pharmaceutical companies, the pharmaceutical companies are actually fighting the government to keep them from making such restrictions as “purchase with prescription ONLY”.

It’s easy to get upset at the Government and businesses like Pharma when they are doing (or not doing) stuff like this in other countries, but the truth is, my country: the country of opportunity, government and Pharma do very much the same thing at the detriment of the people who look to it for their wellbeing.

I knew when I arrived in Rome, this was not going to be an easy role. To play this character, I would have to go back into the depths of my own addiction. Within 2 months from the time I found out that my ex (of almost the last year) before had been lying to me about his HIV Status, and there was a really great chance I was now positive: I found my way to drugs. Many, including the Director of the film, would ask, “How, if you know what a drug can do, would you ever do it in the first place?” The answer is simple: everyone thinks they will be different. Because they aren’t an addict, they just like to have fun, and the drugs help you forget everything: the pain of living, the emotions you have never been given the tools to digest; because since you were little, you have been taught emotion is bad, or “WRONG”. For me the drugs helped me to not feel like I was tainted, or dirty for this virus that was now living inside me. And, I wish I could say that it was just all within my own head that I felt that. But, look around. When Drug companies and Health Care Departments, use fear of HIV as a means to “Prevent” HIV, what they are doing is not preventing it, but ostracizing those with it. Rather than empowering those who are living, to make it so they aren’t terrified of disclose and to allow others to become educated, they are adding the stigma of shame and guild on top of them.

My mom told me a story, just a couple months ago actually. She was talking with my grandma, and told grandma she was going to go out and just get drunk (an event that maybe happened once a year). My grandma responded, saying why it won’t solve any of your problems and they won’t go away. And my mom agreed, but said, “Drinking won’t solve your problems or make them go away, but at least I can forget, even if just for one night. Then I can start over and deal with it tomorrow.”

But when you don’t see any way out, or any relief, no matter how much you try to work on what needs to be done, to relieve the pain you feel inside, and remove that image you see every time you look in the mirror: Addiction Makes Sense. At least it does to me.

For 9 days: Day in and Day out, I lived ate and slept in the face of addiction once again. Only this time, it wasn’t a slow progression: where you go from having friends and a job, nice furniture and a life: to living in filth, where your entire life is about the getting and doing of the only thing you know in life that allows you to feel ok. This time, I went from Life to Addiction.

I remember the first scene where I had to put a needle to my skin and “act like I was shooting up”. For me, it wasn’t acting anymore. I began to feel that burning feeling of toxic ecstasy crawling through my body. I could feel it like the hand of evil reaching up through me, with his hands wrapped around my neck, choking me, stealing my breath. I could feel the circulation to my teeth being shut off. I couldn’t breathe, I was choking and gasping for air, and as quick as it passed I was able to take a deep breath again, my heart would stop racing and I would feel normal, at peace. And, it wasn’t acting… I could actually still feel the drug inside me, even though there was nothing there. After the 3^rd take or so, I had to stop. I had to take a break, it was too real and I wasn’t ready for that.

I looked around and I was literally living in filth. As the result of my own addiction, throughout the years I have lost 9 teeth. To add to the realism of the film, I did the film without those 9 teeth in place. I couldn’t eat normally anymore, the people around me, couldn’t understand me when I tried to speak. Once again, I was the person I could barely tolerate to look at in the mirror. Sores and dirt covered my body. There was no gentle transition over months or even years of self destruction to get to this point, I was there. One day I was healthy and alive, and the next day I was going to die at any moment, and in the role: I didn’t care, I just needed a fix.

Finally we broke for a few days to go to the south: to the beach. I got to shave my neck and look somewhat human again. I got to wake up knowing there was going to be a day where I was outside in the sun, living breathing and connecting with the light that I knew was still inside me.

But, it was only a few days, and then reset the studio and 2 more days of filming. Emotions were high those last few days. I just wanted to be done. Since we started to film, I had this cough. At night: sweats that would drench me and the entire bed. On the final day of filming, I woke up at 5:30am. I had sent an email to my Reiki teacher the day before because I felt I was releasing some serious energy from my heart chakra; but, doing work on myself didn’t seem to be helping and asked if he could do some distant work on me (lower lung and chest issues are directly tied to the heart chakra energy). When I woke up that morning, I was sweating like normal, I could feel my body on fire, but I began to have chills that were almost like convulsions. They would last for about 15 seconds at a time, then subside for about 30 seconds to a minute and start again. This went on for about 30 mins. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to film, or if I needed to go to the hospital. After, I was able to lay there, and although I didn’t feel back to normal, I was starting to feel better.

I have had many people on my table when doing healing work on them, begin to shake frantically, and some go into what appeared to be Seizures, but had never experienced this sort of energy release myself. That final day was a very emotional day, and in many ways probably the most healing. I could no longer simply be the role, I was being myself as I used to be. In the final scene of shooting (not the final scene of the film), I have one of those scary reality checks that every addict has, where you actually think you are dying; and this time, the camera was right there to capture it.

Once we set up the scene, I looked at the director and told him we couldn’t do it the way he wanted to, we would have to rewrite the scene. We would have to re position the angle of filming and redirect the focus, even if it made the scene more graphic. Once the scene was reset, we went on. I was never so excited to get out of character in my life. Shower, throw away the bandages, wash off the makeup, shave, trim my body hair, put back in my teeth and look presentable.

For the last 5 years I have worked really hard to be able to look in the mirror to see myself as nothing but light and to embrace the perfection that is all of us. But before now, that meant shutting the door on an aspect of me, that I couldn’t see myself as anymore. It wasn’t me anymore, it was in my past; but, not now. Today I look in the mirror, and I can see that part of my life, even in my eyes; but, I don’t see it any longer as pain or darkness but strength and part of my truth.

In my last few days in Italy, I began hanging out with an amazing young man (my body double for a couple of the scenes in the movie actually). We spent hours just talking. One early afternoon, he took me to this park by his place. There were chickens, and a beautiful white horse. The day before, we spoke about energy, and briefly about what I do, and how I can feel energy and sometimes even see it. He was interested, but like many, because he couldn’t see or feel it: it wasn’t part of his beliefs.

We walked up to where the white horse was. She was standing only about 10 meters away grazing. I simply called her and put my hand over the fence. She continued to eat without even acknowledging us. I looked at Giovani and told him to watch, I was sending her energy. Almost immediately, her front shoulder started to vibrate and twitch. She began to kick at the dirt with her back leg, even with the front. Then Like a magnet, slowly at first, then quicker she began to get pulled to the place this feeling was coming from. She walked right up to us. Giovani jumped back at first, not sure what had just happened, but then warmed up and began to pet the horse. Before we left, she stood there as I put my forehead to hers, like a little embrace. He had never seen something like that before.

We continued to walk and just talk about life, nature, energy, and inner truth. He himself was going through a bit of a transformation, so timing was perfect, Divine if you will! 😉 But for me, it was so needed, I had to finally be able to reintegrate my work and the life I know today into that of my past and no longer live them as separate.

Throughout the last 2 days, I have received emails of people who saw me as their light of inspiration in that of their own path, telling me about how beautiful their lives were becoming, how they were truly beginning to see themselves for their own light and their own truth. I think I spent the better part of a morning/afternoon with tears of Joy and Divine Bliss streaming down my face. I have never felt so open, at peace and full, but empty at the same time. I just AM!

Healing happens in many forms and in many ways; but to me, true healing is when we learn to let go of the labels of darkness and pain we attach to people places or things we hold within us, and allow them to be the brilliance for which they are. Healing is when we learn to live in the oneness of our being, embracing all that we are as part of our light, without regret, without feeling the need to “forgive” but to truly embrace and accept that of our own depth as strength, beauty, and light. You are Love, You are Light, YOU ARE ALREADY PERFECT!

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose