For 9 Days… 6, sometimes as many as 9 hours a day I have surrendered not only to a role in a movie, but an aspect of my life many would see as the most painful or darkest times in my life. And up till now, I would probably agree with them: during that time I was lost, but at the same time, there was part of me waking up and finally seeking something more. The last 9 days have been tough, but only because of the emotion that I was finally given the ability to go back and feel: the compassion that I have learned to hold for myself and that part of myself I have ran from, even almost feared.

In an interview about the movie, I was asked about the type of empathy I was able to give to the character. I don’t have to give him empathy, he is me, and I am him. I understand his journey. Many have asked me and others who have gone down the road of addiction, “Why don’t you just stop?” Answer… If I knew how I would. But, see… once you enter into the world of addiction, everything within your being shifts. You are no longer the same person. The life you once knew becomes a distant memory. You know things used to be different, but you can’t remember exactly how, and have no idea how or when they became lost.

Before I entered my life addiction, I was a very judgmental person. I wouldn’t even go on a date with someone if I found out the smoked pot, “Because Drugs will Kill YOU, Drugs are BAD”. And, I can tell you where that comes from too: My Birth Father. (I specify “Birth Father” because a) it sounds better than “Sperm Donor who stuck around a few years” b) he was never a father to me or my sisters). See, The only memories of my Birth Father, were of him being Drunk, High, Drunk and High… Being sober to pick us up from my mom’s house (where we lived) and forcing us to come with him (whether I had swim lessons, a birthday party for a friend, Boy Scout camp, ect..) getting us back to his house, leaving us with my older sisters (he had custody of) giving everyone chores then going out with his wife to get drunk. There is at least 1 time I remember screaming and crying so severely that I didn’t want to go, my step dad stepped in… only to have the cops called to showed up and force my younger sister and I to go with our “father”. This was a man who was physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually abusive. Between the abuse of us as well as the drugs or alcohol, it was the only way I knew him.

The first time I remember him touching me (sexually) I was between 2 and 3 years old. The only reason I know the age is, one day I described the layout of where we lived and asked my mom how old I was when we lived there. My mom looked at me, sort of puzzled, and told me we moved away from there when I was 3. I didn’t tell her, at the time, the reason I asked was I had just begun having flash backs to those nights after everyone went to bed, and he would enter first my room, then my bed.

He finally gave up his rights even be called my father, when I was 9. I remember standing in the court room that day telling the judge, with him standing right there, where I wanted to live. Until then, I would wet the bed for the few days b4 going to his house and the few days after returning (every other weekend) and the month before and after getting back from his house for 6 weeks every summer. At 9 years old I was finally free, well sort of.

By 9, you have already learned how you are conditioned to understand love, and have truly entered into the most formative of emotional and relationship building years. By then I already learned that if a man loved me, he wanted to have sex with me: that that is the way men display love. As I have begun my work as a healer I realize that my sexual compulsion is only a symptom of not feeling safe and secure in that of my own body, and sex is the only behavioral tool of acceptable means of to find or bring balance to this lack of connection to my physical body once emotional energy begins (as taught by society). Sexual energy and Emotional energy are from the same energy center of the body. Imbalances within this energy center are also where addictions most always begin. This does not, by any means, make what happened to me, or anyone else like me, acceptable, but I now understand where it comes from.

Although Sex became very much of the thing that drove most of my relationships, I could not be with anyone who was high or who got high. One set of behaviors from my past became my norm, while the other is the part of my past that I despised. It’s no wonder, that as hard as I ran from drugs: that it is actually drug use that I ended up right in the middle of. And, not just drug use, but IV drug use for 5 years. But, how does one end up going from “anti everything”, to IV drug user? Easily… continue to run from whom you are and that of your being, long enough: not listening to that little voice inside of you trying to guide and direct you, you will eventually call in the vibration that is guaranteed to finally force you to stop breath and awaken consciously, or die so that you can re-emerge fully within the oneness of creation.

See our Higher Self, or subconscious mind wants us to awaken consciously. That is the entire purpose of this life, for it is only when awakened consciously that one has the ability to experience what “Christian, and many other Dogmas” describe as heaven. But see, Heaven and Hell are not places in the sky or deep within the earth. Heaven and Hell are right here on Earth. Hell is the place of bondage residing in the confines of our EGO or our Minds. Heaven is that place, also here on Earth, where we have freed ourselves from ego: where we no longer see anyone or anything as being separate, but as one: all of the same vibration… LOVE! Love is the vibration from which all things are created, so it makes sense that if all is created from Love, then Heaven is also right here in the same place for which all is created. Then why do we not experience heaven right here right now, from this plane of consciousness…. EGO!

Oops: a little bit of a tangent… hehehee

We wrapped, for a 3 day holiday, 2 days ago. Day one we went into the center of Rome, Vatican City, and then later that evening took the 4hr train ride to the South of Italy. Rome was beautiful and great, but down here in the South, it is magical. It’s sort of funny… as most stand in Awe of the feats of man, in the places they have conquered the Earth:  leaving a mark for what lasts Centuries: it is in those places on Earth where she is still free to create and exist in perfect harmony that makes my heart sing. I remember standing looking at places like the Coliseum, and thinking of how many men (slaves) had to die to create this masterpiece designed as a ring of death for the killing of some and to prove the manliness and brute strength of others simply for the enjoyment of entertainment of the people of the time. This is a Masterpiece created to support the ego of those ruling the land so they could leave their mark on the world. With as awed at the creation as I was, I couldn’t help but feel just as nauseous.

Yesterday we went to Spiaggia Nera (Black Beach) and sat for hours, and swam in the Sea. I swam into the caves, around the rocks, even climbed a few, diving back down into the beautiful blue and green water. I felt so alive and refreshed.

At one point, trying to ride the current onto some rocks, I gouged a few of the tips of my fingers. Funny, it wasn’t because the rocks were overly sharp, but only because I wanted to get where I was heading now, not when nature was going to get me there. The currant brought me slightly onto the rocks: I grabbed hold and tried to climb frantically b4 the hands of her current pulled me back into the sea; but, she won. I giggled, and with the next currant, she lifted me up, onto the rock, and I was free to bask in the sun, while she embraced my being and her symphony of natural beauty played around me. Sitting here now, I still get lost in that moment. I can still hear her percussion of waves crashing on the rocks around me. I can feel the soft melody of the horn section blowing in the wind, with the occasional flute solo of a bird flying in and out of the range, while the whole time there was the firey crescendo of the strings pouring out through the rays of the sun.  I was so connected and alive. AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Domiziano and I are trying to figure out what tattoos to get to symbolize this experience of the movie. For him, it is the end of a circle, the end of a cycle of certain type of movies, and for me just the beginning. This movie is the reintegration of an aspect of my life, I once saw as my past: but now, am truly embracing as part of that which I still am: a beautiful part of who I still am. In a world of Oneness, there is no removal of anything: for I am one with everything, past present and future, and it me! Today, one more day at the beach, then back to Rome for a few more days of filming.

I am excited about what is to come of this movie “RED KROKODIL”; but, even if nothing does come of it, I have already received so many gifts. I have had the opportunity to reclaim a huge part of my life with love and compassion. I have met some amazing new friends, which I will never forget. I have seen parts of the world some may never allow themselves permission to experience, and most of all: I have learned that no matter how dark something (and for me, my past) may seem, once you walk into the middle of it, you will become the light that illuminates a truth and new perspective. This movie, despite ticket or DVD sales, is already a success. Now, it is my hope, that you will have the opportunity to see and experience this movie as well. And from within it, find the strength to face your own darkness and give yourself the love and compassion you are worth…before it’s too late!

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose