Family… The single biggest lesson in the understanding of whom and what you are, and opportunity for spiritual growth. And, if you think you have that down, try 5 days with 3 generations of family in one hotel room. Don’t get me wrong, I love them all dearly, and would go to the end of the world for any of them, but the verb “BREATHE” took on a whole new meaning! Lol

One week ago today, I arrived in Dunn NC. This was the first time I had ever made it to the home of my little sister and her family. Friday, I was Uncle Brock “the babysitter”. And let me tell you, this brought me to places I had totally forgotten about.

My 10yr old niece is a spitting image of my sister, to the point I was in constant state of going back in time… memory lane. But: it didn’t always seem like memory lane. While walking through the field next to their house, with both my nephew and my niece, we were laughing and playing around. I don’t even remember what she said or what she said, both of which completely arbitrary for what happened. Sort of like Déjà vu, I was transported to a time of the past. I knew this moment had happened before, only last time with her mother.

As kids, we used to run though the fields behind the house, run through the woods, and play by the river. That was a time when kids were allowed to be kids. Fear had not taken over the parenting of adults. Fear of children being taken, fear of children getting hurt, fear, that children might do something that is not under the control and manipulation of the parent.  For a moment, I was back in a time and place where kids were not allowed to sit for hours in front of a TV, or in front of a computer game, a time when you had to call someone or speak to them in person and learn how to communicate, not hide behind a screen, and a time you were still encouraged to go out and find out who you were, not punished for not being who your parents wanted to be. I know that last part is a little grandiose, as it was a little bit of a lie in and of itself.

The first lesson of understanding the a child learns, is not Love, but a lesson of control and manipulation for the feeling of security by the parents. And before any of you parents out there get upset, ask yourself, “what was your 2yr old child’s favorite word?”. If you are honest with yourself, you will quickly realize or remember the word “NO”, for this is also the word that got them in the most trouble and even got them tapped on the tail a few times.

But, let’s look at the word no… What does it really mean? If you ask a parent who is using it, it is a word that is keeping the child from getting hurt or doing something wrong. But, let’s leave that all behind us for a second and look at the energy behind the word. Who and what is the word actually being used for. Yes, a child may get hurt, or do something you may not want them to do; but, is it not for your own happiness that you are saying the word no? Are you not, in fact trying to control the actions of those around you to make you feel better?

By the age of 2, the biggest lesson a child has learned that in order for me to feel safe and secure within my being I must display a means of control that allows me to manipulate those around me. If, and only if, I am successful at controlling and manipulating those around me well enough to secure an atmosphere that is pleasing to me, can I be happy. OUCH… and really?

When a person does not feel safe and secure within their own being (typically any time a person is having an emotion other than joy) it is taught (not natural, but taught) instinct to control and manipulate the situation to make it responsible for your joy. But, then again, how well has that worked out for you in your own life, if by the time of being a parent this is still the lesson you are trying to force onto your children?

Children will do what they know will get a reaction from you, simply because it is what they have learned as the only way to have personal power.

There are a couple things within that last statement I want to look at.

1)      Reaction

2)      Personal Power

What is a reaction? Most believe a reaction to be physical, or verbal, but where does either come from? As a human, we receive energy from both the earth and the universe at the same time. The energy of the earth is what gives us our sense of security, while the energy of the universe is what gives us our sense of knowing. A reaction, because the energy of the universe hits the mind (the part of the body controlling verbal and physical communications) first, and is the most prevalent in methodology of teaching, is an imbalance in the flow of energy. But, how do we change this? Easy, we pause and we breathe.

In this simple action, we give both  the energy of the earth and the energy of the universe time to connect at the center point, which is the heart.

The energy of the earth (safety and security) is drawn up the body and through our emotional being (culminating from the pelvic cradle or sacral area of our body) and is then digested through our “power of self”. Once we have digested our emotional (reaction) and allowed that energy to reach all the way up to the heart, we have the opportunity to discover and realize who and what we really are in any given situation.

The energy of the universe (sense of knowing and understanding) is processed down through the mind (or the ego) to bass through the biplane of energy between spiritual and physical energy at the throat. At this point, it too, has the ability to reach the heart.

And ALL THIS: in a single breath and a single pause. At the moment the energies culminate in the heart we now have the ability to respond from a place of love, rather than ego or emotional power.

The word “no” is a word that can hold the power of either the mind or the ego depending on the situation. Either way, it indicates that we are connecting horizontally to those things or people that are around us, rather than vertically to the energy of our highest being and to who and what we are in the enlightened state of being. But, why is this so hard to obtain?

Personal Power! As already described, the world “no” is a display of personal power. It is an indication that who and what we are, is not safe unless the circumstances around us are to are liking. But, is the ability to control and manipulate true power? NO, it is not!!! It, is an indication of a misalignment of self! True personal power comes in one’s ability to stand in their own light regardless of what is going on around them: without the need to react.

How can you tell if one is speaking from a place of ego/emotion Vs the Heart? Easy, the level of attachment the person has to the word that come out of their mouth. If, Once something is said, they are able to maintain a level of peace regardless of others conformity to what they say… it is from the heart, if not and they continue to get more and more angry or aggressive, it shows that it is someone who is speaking from emotion and who’s ego or level of personal power is by their ability to control and manipulate.

PHEW…. How’s that for a tangent! Lol but it was something I feel I had to go into in order to explain the rest of my experiences with the family.

Detachment, and the ability to stand in one’s light regardless of what is going on around them is something very difficult, especially  in the presence of one’s family. The typical family dynamic is set up, with the adults securing the energy of the space to make sure everyone (or at least themselves are having a good time). But what happens when the children continue to stand in the way of your control.

This was the biggest lesson I was faced with while touring Washington DC for the last 5 days, once my sister, her family, my mom and stepdad, and nephew (under the custody of my mom and step dad) all met to reside in a 2 bedroom single family residence. As the week went on, nerves and emotions were getting raw, of all persons involved. 2 different sets of parenting ideals, and 2 different sets of expectations of what is an acceptable code of conduct for children being enforced separately for 2 different sets of kids: all under the same roof. You can only imagine the levels of attachment to control and manipulation of the environment were going on by the adults.

Before the end of the trip, I found myself in the middle of the entire energy cluster of attachment. At this point, I too, was now getting angry at the children, for things that at the beginning of the trip would not have bothered me, because I knew what was about to happen from the parents of the children. Somehow, I felt that if I stepped in for the correction and allowed myself to also get attached to the manipulation of the children for my happiness, I could prevent the reactions of those around me, and then I could find peace within myself… a sense of peace that at some point was long gone.

After an explosion of my own energy I had to go for a walk. I had to go to see a sunset: a place I knew I could find center. It took a while of breathing, and beating myself up for reacting the way I did, and allowing myself to be in that state of alignment to the point that I lashed out on someone just to make myself feel better. After an hour or so, I went back. The children were already in bed. The hotel was pretty quiet the rest of the night, but I still didn’t feel right.

The next morning, as soon as my nephew woke up, I went to his bed. It was time for me to apologize for my actions. I had to let him know, that although he had done something he knew he was not supposed to do, I was wrong for the way I dealt with the situation and taking out on him where I was energetically. I knew and could feel that he understood. He and I were buddies again, and for the most part, for the rest of our final day in DC, I was able to stay unattached from all that was going on. A few times I was able to sit back and just observe. And although it wasn’t funny, got a bit of a chuckle, because I could see how ridiculous it was to begin with to even try to separate one persons attachment of control by attaching myself to the same idea of control.

It is said that over 70% of those who get into psychology do so to fix themselves and their family, and I can see why. But, with my work as a healer, it is my responsibility to stay out of the path of others, remain unattached from those around me and stay completely in my own light at all times. I know and feel in my heart, that I do not have the ability to heal anyone, unless they are willing to let go of their own beliefs that hold them in the vibration of attachment and of being broken.

It was asked of me a couple years back, while in India, “If you are a healer, what is it that you heal?” After a slight pause and a breath, checking in with how I felt about how I was about to respond, I looked at the man and said, “The only thing I would ever have the ability to heal is the perception of truth that one holds within the ego of their mind”. I understand this statement more today than ever. I can never be sad enough to make someone else happy. I can never hurt myself enough to help someone else find relief of their own pain. And, I can never assume the horizontal attachments of others so they can let go.

Alignment of self is a choice and it is a process of awakening. I may not be perceived as perfect by anyone else, and many times I may not see myself as being perfect; however, in all of my work I have found that there is only one set of absolute truths:

With the first beat of my heart: Love became the vibration of WHAT I am. As that Love began to supply the food and nutrients to create the physical body that I am today, from that energy, a Light was created. That Light is WHO I am.

I AM LOVE, I AM LIGHT, and through that, I AM PERFET!!!

And… SO ARE YOU!!!

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

Leaving South Beach, I was excited of what was to come, not knowing the kind of lessons that were about to come my way. Quickly I found out that Orlando had nothing to offer except a bunch of guys who unfortunately don’t know the difference between sensual and sexual.

From day one, I had clients who would only book sessions if I would subject myself to the objectification and sexualizing my profession and think it was ok to treat me like an escort, or run of the mill hooker.

After describing to, way more people than I ever wished to, that paying for a massage was just that… paying to RECEIVE a massage. For some reason, and I’m pretty sure I know why, men do not seem to understand how to receive intimacy without the need to reciprocate by fulfilling their sexual desire. From the time that many of us were little, we were taught that it is not ok to feel, that any feeling other than joy or bliss is “wrong”. The result of having any sort of feeling makes most feel insecure or unsafe. As a man, the easiest way to feel safe again is to conquer sexually. Although only a temporary relief, most men don’t know anything more.

Orlando was this to a T. Very quickly I closed my books and just began preparing for Atlanta. The city in general just didn’t have a very good vibe. Out of all the cities I’ve been to so far, Orlando ranks down there with New Orleans with cities I am not looking forward to visiting again, unless just overnight to see the couple clients I did manage to work with that were more than I could have ever hoped for.

A couple years ago, heck maybe even as close as 6 months ago, I would have considered sacrificing my values and morals to make a buck. But, at this point in time, I have realized that who I am is not something that I can give up, not something any amount of money is worth. I did not work as hard, or as long as I have, to get to this place of self worth;  to allow someone else to disrespect me due to an imbalance within their own being that they are unwilling to look at.

Atlanta was quite the opposite experience and one I am looking forward to going back to many times again. No matter what the desire, the clients there were willing to let go, to allow the energy and the healing of the work I offer. It was a wonderful experience through and through. Not only was I able to create some amazing new relationships with new clients, I met some great people too. Definitely learned what Southern Hospitality was!

Every city, a new experience and a new lesson: some I look forward to visiting again, while others have simply become “been there done that” places.

Now on to NC, to meet up with my sister and her family…. WOOHOO!!!

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

13^th and Ocean: Destination of a journey once forgotten, now complete. The beginning of what I now know to be the journey of a life time now revisited after 11 years, almost to the day.

11 years ago: already involved in a life of partying and drugs, 6 months after my official HIV diagnosis, I left my home and my life in Denver CO for a 3 week road trip cross country, to start a new life in South Beach FL.

Without any idea of what I am getting into, I set out. I had already arranged the sale of all of my belonging, for my roommate at the time to complete. The money from the sale was going to cover all the expenses I would accrue during my trip and cover his airfare to meet me in South Beach. I didn’t know where I was going or the address I was to meet him at. All I knew is that his family owned property on 13^th and Ocean, and I was going to have the opportunity to start over. I had jobs lined up at 5 different possible salons doing hair. Life was going to be amazing!

But, there I was… driving into the sunset. I would drive all night, first stop Dallas to spend a week with my mom. Not knowing where I was going, and running from a life I knew was going nowhere was not a very good recipe for success. Until the furniture was sold, I had 100 tabs of E that I could sell to get me going.

When furniture was not being sold and I somehow was no longer able to get hold of my old roommate, things started going downhill quickly. I fell back into what I had learned I did well: I was back in the clubs pushing/selling what I had to be able to make it. It was only a matter of a couple weeks when I realized I probably wasn’t going to make it to FL, and meeting some of the top dealers in town that I found myself exactly where I was running from. That’s the problem of running from a life, you bring yourself with you… the life itself wasn’t the problem, I was. And: There I was.

I already didn’t have the best credit, but the one thing I did have was my rental history. I knew this was something I was going to have to maintain if I were to have any chance at all to start new. I now learned that my roommate had not sold anything. He hadn’t evacuated my apt and had not turned in the keys or even paid rent to continue on the lease. With him simply living there, it was a violation of my lease, because he was never added.  Rent was 8 days past due. Florida was no longer in my scope of possibility. I had only a few days to come up with rent or papers would be filed for my eviction.

Because I was so lost and so afraid to face who I was, I made a quick overnight to Denver. Upon arrival, I contacted an old dealer to borrow some money and get fronted some product to turn real quick to come up with to repay him: 10 days pro-rated rent, broken lease fee, month to month lease fee. All I had to do was go back to my old job, where I was told I would always have job and step back into my old life. But, I couldn’t do that… I wasn’t ready to face my truth and step into the light of who I was to allow me to begin a journey of healing.

Doing what I needed to do, I ran back to TX and began a life of denial, self deprecation, and self destruction. It wasn’t long before I was living in the bath houses and clubs. My dealing and partying became my life. I was no longer doing hair, and I thought I was living. Going from pills to powders to shooting up, it was a very quick downhill spiral quickly. I’m not sure where or when it happened but I was completely lost and addicted, not only to the drugs but the life.

I could remember having a life that was completely different, but I couldn’t remember what that looked like or how to return. As a result I kept running, to the point that it almost killed me… many times over.

That was all 11 years ago. And now I finally had the opportunity to complete that trip, on a journey now that is no longer about running from, but accepting my light from within.

When I booked my hotel I had no idea where I was, just that it was in South Beach. As I pulled up to the hotel, I realized that it was only 1 block from 13^th and Ocean. Upon checking in, I immediately went for a walk. There I was standing on the corner of the streets of a journey once forgotten. Emotion was running through my being. A sense of completion: within and in life.

Part of me arrived in that moment; somehow I could breathe a little easier. I was no longer running from anyone. I took the next few days and allow myself to experience the city and all that came with it.

Meeting a facebook friend, I was shown around the city. I only took enough clients to pay for that part of the trip and to get me on to the next leg of my journey.
4 days later: my heart was filled with ease, my breath seemed lighter, and there was a skip in my step. Walking down to the beach for one last sunrise, I was at peace. I knew that from this point on, life would never be the same, and I was eager to be on my way. South Beach was beautiful and amazing for the spirit, but not the place I would land

At this point, I have no idea where my life or my path will take me; but, I am no longer running, I am no longer searching, I am no longer seeking anything from anywhere but the light from within. I can truly look in the mirror and be in total appreciation of everything I have become and look back on the journey of the last 11 years and be in total gratitude for the gifts of understanding that is allowed me to achieve.

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

At the risk of sounding like a broken record… Wow… I have no idea where to begin….

Upon every city along this track across the country I am mesmerized and in awe of the brilliance and splendor waiting for each of us as we awaken to the possibilities and the abundance of the Universe! As a Reiki Master, I was taught by my Teacher and friend John Romeo that we are only responsible for 5% of the work. The rest is left to the universe and powers that be. Every Day seems to be another lesson in this!

It had been 2.5 years since the last time I was in Fort Lauderdale. I was just there for a softball tournament, but it was SOOO much more than that. I remember waking up the first morning around 5:30am, to walk out of the hotel and experience my first ever sunrise on the beach. The energy of the morning sun climbing off the horizon of the beautiful blue green abyss of wonder and life before me; I was soon lost in meditation. I had no idea that one could feel so alive and at peace in any given moment. I don’t even remember much about the softball tournament, but I do remember that all I wanted to do was pretty much be by myself and do my own thing. Of course, I was there with a team and we ate, played and went out together.

Those moments though, every morning, were mine. And finally, on the last day… with only a few hours before I had to be brought back to the airport for my flight home, I told the guys I was heading out to the beach… to just be alone (or so I thought). After being there for only maybe 30 mins, this really hot guy walked by, but it was more than just hot: there was something about him.

Within a matter of minutes we were deep in conversation about energy, and spiritual principals of understanding; and, before I knew it, it was time for me to head back to the hotel or I would miss my flight. This man convinced me to allow him to change my flight and pay for me to stay another night so we could continue to talk and hang out. I couldn’t believe what I was doing, but I did it. A total stranger, in physical form, but an energy I connected with in a way I couldn’t explain.

Over the course of the evening, we had an amazing time. But the next morning, we woke to check out one last sunrise. We walked along the beach and just walked: experiencing each other and all of the abundant energy and peace we both felt. I found a piece of coral that I ended up wearing around my neck for the next couple years. It was only right before I began this part of my journey that I felt it was time to release the energy that connected me to it, and gave it to someone who I know will always cherish it (or not) either way it found its way to its next owner. He saw me to the airport and we have had a few conversations since, but that one night was all it was supposed to be: for me, and for him. I still don’t know what all the meaning of everything was. Maybe it was just me learning to say yes to life, and time to stop living my life to always do what I thought was the next right thing, and begin doing what I felt was the right thing to do or direction to go.

I am now pulling into Fort Lauderdale for the first time since this last experience. I knew I wasn’t going to be busy, but was looking forward to what the city had in store for me. Meeting up with a new friend (from facebook), a few great clients, time at the beach, good drinks, and going with the flow: Fort Lauderdale was going well, but wasn’t feeling that connection to the city like I had the first time a couple years ago. But maybe, what happened a couple years ago was only for that point in time and nothing more.

But then, Monday morning things changed. I had been feeling a shift in my own energy for the last week, ever since I realized I had to make the journey cross country more than work but a personal journey of experience. I met up with a man who asked if we could meet and talk. See, a dear friend of his had been diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer. He wanted to understand the energy, and what he could do to help her. He was looking for a miracle, and I am a “Healer”

Having also just lost a daughter, also to cancer, this family was looking for a miracle. Hoping, praying, and looking for something outside of themselves for the answer, for a healing… as they were taught: they continued on the same path. Jesus himself said, “I have done nothing, for it is your belief that has made you whole”.  But, how do you make a family believe in a light that is within, the “GOD” Source that is within all of us, if their religious teachings that they have had engrained into their mind and body says and teaches otherwise? It was quickly revealed to me, my purpose in this situation was not that of the mother, but the beautiful man before me. This was a man that was open, and already well on his way to being a very beautiful light in this world and very gifted healer himself.

After talking for a couple hours, he asked if I could do a session on him, and help him connect to his own light: the light he must stand fully in, in order to see beyond the identification of broken that had been labeled onto that of his friend. Beyond the attachment to pain or illness, the only thing that any of us are is the manifestation of Light through the vibration of Love. It was a beautiful experience for both of us. I believe I will have a lifelong friend in this man. Before parting I gave him a few things that he could do with his friend to assist her, as I did not feel that I was supposed to be present, or do anything. What had to be done next was solely up to his friend. She had to leave behind what she believed and allow her own life and her own light to reconnect to the God Source that she already is. It would indeed take a miracle, but not one of someone else’s doing, but one of her own… her faith would have to turn within, and let go enough to allow herself to see who and what she really was.

Both of us on our way, I had a couple bodywork clients later in the evening, then meeting with a new friend to go over some sides for an audition tape I was asked to submit for another possible movie role.

The next morning, I was planning to meet an old friend on the beach for sunrise… well sort of. See both of us are at the point that we realize distance and time are only a matter of perception, and it is the understanding of connection that allowed us to meet. He in Long Beach, me here in South Beach: One Sun interconnected through the oneness of creation we met. But he isn’t the only person I met.

Approaching the beach I saw this beautiful woman in a pink top standing on the ocean bank, also waiting for the moment the sun would make its appearance for the day. I didn’t say anything but just kept walking. There was definitely something about here though that I couldn’t explain. She was breathtaking in vibration. She was a true beacon of inner peace and light.

I continued on my path, to quickly find a new piece of coral to turn into a new necklace for the next part of this journey. It was then that I caught myself thinking how much I wanted another picture in the water, as I did on the last adventure to Fort Lauderdale, but it wouldn’t be right to get one by myself. So I kept walking. Soon a couple Sting Rays swam up to shore for a visit. Everything was so beautiful. By now the sun was well beyond the horizon and snuggled in behind a few clouds. It was a beautiful morning.

After going back up to shore for another cup of Starbucks, I looked out and saw the woman in a pink shirt approaching. This time I couldn’t hold back and walked up to her to tell her just how much she was glowing and how beautiful she was. This went into a long conversation about our travels. She is a children’s picture book writer and song writer, Laura Duksta. She was about to head off to Knoxville, not knowing where here path will lead, but following the feeling that it was the right time and place. Knowing that as long as she follows her heart she would always be exactly where she was supposed to be, and that everything would be perfect. Sharing a couple songs, stories and adventures, she had mentioned how she had wished the dolphins would come in, just as a sign. Not knowing where it came from, I looked at her and said you know, you don’t need the dolphins to know you are already being looked out for. I guess her angels had just come in a little bit before and gave her the same message. Funny on how life brings us sign after sign, but so many times (if it’s not the sign we want) we don’t pay it any attention. Laura and I got a good laugh. Before parting ways we became facebook friends and she asked if I would mind taking a picture. How perfect is that, and as you can imagine, I was more than willing.

A little later, while packing to head out to South Beach for a few days, I received a phone call. The lady with cancer’s kidneys had given out, and my new friend wanted me to come and do a healing on her. Again, I asked if the family would be open to it, and as I thought, they said no. I took a moment, pulled out my lotus crystal (the crystal I use to do distance healing) and called her higher self in. I called in my guides for clarity in my role and asked if there was anything else I could do. I immediately saw this woman in a hospital bed. As I connected with her energy and presence, I could see and feel her heart exploding with Divine Light. Her heart was ready to merge back into the oneness for which it was. I was told to make sure my friend and the family was ready to say goodbye. Even at this point, if she chose to allow herself to be freed of all the energy that was holding her from the oneness of the “God Source” she already was, her body may not make it and recover.

The miracle to seek was not that of physical healing, but spiritual freedom. To allow her to be free of the vibration of the ego that was causing her illness. To free her of this vibration in this life would ensure that when she reincarnated into the next life, she would not bring this same lessons or the energy connected to this experience with her. When she or anyone comes back free of the major lessons they came into this life to learn in this life, it exponentially advances their spiritual growth in the next. We discussed a few more things, but mostly laughed. He asked about my journey and my story, and by the time we left I knew it would not be the last time we saw each other (or not). After all, what do we really know outside of our perception of what is, in this moment?

Although nothing like I thought Fort Lauderdale was going to be, the beauty and brilliance of this journey continues to leave me in awe. Thank you to all my new friends, and all the opportunities you offered me to grow in my own understanding of my journey and this thing we call life!!! Next stop… SOUTH BEACH…

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose