A moment to pause and reflect on where I am now and the journey over the last couple weeks, or I guess not even a week. LOL…

A cancelled client, the gift of a life time, only one week ago… How could I have ever known how much such simple shift in perception would change the entire way I would look at the rest of my trip? Houston, New Orleans, Pensacola, Tallahassee, now Cocoa Beach sitting on the balcony of my Ocean Side Hotel room, I am caught in a state of ponder and amazement.

In that moment I had a choice: I could get upset or I could look at the opportunity that was presented as a result. So many times we get caught up in the: what isn’t, and what should be, or could be, that we miss the gift that is… the gift known as life in the moment. In awakening to what the possibility of that moment really was, I seized the opportunity to give a little something back to me a walk by the lake and a trip to the store. By 10pm, and 5 more 90 min sessions later, I was SOOOOOO appreciative of what had transpired. It was the moment in my trip, I realized that this trip is not only about working, it is also about experiencing the life and splendor around me.

Houston, met up with a new friend from Facebook, went to dinner, then out on the town. I can’t say that Houston is ever a place I would like to move, definitely not the energy I try to surround myself with. But, it still had its own charm. A few amazing clients each day I was there, I closed my books before I even arrived, to allow myself the opportunity to breath and experience as much or as little of the city as I wanted. I now had a choice, and was no longer a slave to work or to my ego.

On to New Orleans, a city I’d never been… well, except once. Wow, almost 20 years ago, I flew into New Orleans, on my way to Baton Rouge for the Junior Olympic Nationals. But you know, I never got to even enjoy the city. Even at 16, I had a full time job I had to get back to. I only took off enough time to fly into the city, compete and return. I honestly don’t even remember much of the city, except that the humidity was so high on the track that my number would not stay attached to my uniform… lol It was 104 on the track and 98% humidity. I thought I was going to die. But, this trip was going to be different. I was going to take time, and say yes to me… even if it meant not making as much money as I may have hoped. And that’s just what I did. I took the entire afternoon off on Monday (Memorial Day) and went down to the French Quarter. I grabbed a drink, only because I had to experience walking the streets with a drink in my hand… lol. But you know what I realized? I realized that I can stand fully in my light, in a place that is not who or what I am, and enjoy the vibration of self. I walked around for a couple hours, and with a deep breath, knew I had received what I came for.

On my way back to the hotel, I realized I was no longer going to Montgomery or Tallahassee for work: I was supposed to take the next couple days to just drive and let myself experience where spirit guides, and the beauty of my journey.

Driving though some beautiful country, Alabama and Mississippi, I arrived in FL. It had been suggested, by another Facebook friend I finally had the opportunity to meet while in New Orleans, that Pensacola was beautiful. So, I stopped. A swim in the beautiful green waters, sitting on the white sands, then cross the street to have lunch overlooking the water; I quickly knew I was not going to be stopping there for the night.

I had stopped, when I first arrived in FL, at the visitor center and picked up a sites and parks of the state booklet, and decided that Flowing Waters State Park seemed like a cool place to go… so I went. Walking through the park, I realized it would be a great place to film another scene for the movie “RED KROKODIL”, so I pulled out my tripod, and camera… got naked and started filming. Luckily I was the only person in the park so there wasn’t really a fear of getting arrested for indecent exposure. LOL, I guess there are certain risks one is willing to take to accomplish their goals.

I then got dressed and began walking around some more. I came up to the swimming lake, took some pictures and jumped in. The fish and turtles were swimming about. It has been years since I swam in an actual lake. I guess since I left Troy MT (my child hood home) when I was 13… wow 22 years ago!

When I got back in my truck I wasn’t sure where I was going to end up, so I just started driving. It was getting dark and I realized that Tallahassee was only an hour or so up the road, so I ended up remaking the exact reservation I had just cancelled. See, its funny how the Universe works. When I called to cancel my 2 reservations, for up and coming stays, I found out that Montgomery was never booked to begin with, and according to my itinerary: Tallahassee was my next stop. If I had realized it, my trip probably would have been completely different and I would have missed the journey. See, for some reason, when there is a predetermined destination, the journey becomes about reaching the destination, and not experiencing all that is, in the moment.

The next morning, I got up and started out. I thought I was going to be heading down along the West Coast of FL, but found myself heading further East. I decided every time I came upon a Hwy, or major intersection I would ask myself how I felt and allow my internal instincts guide me.

Quickly, I was no longer on major Hwy’s, but smaller country roads. It was beautiful, and without a destination in mind, I was in no Hurry. I finally look down at my odometer and saw I was officially 4000 miles into my trip while driving through Gainesville FL. I stopped at a fruit stand and picked up a few things, and got to talking to a couple of the local ladies: BOTH VERY DIFFERENT!

Both Ladies were in about their late 60’s, and one couldn’t stop, while the other couldn’t find it in herself to get started. We started talking about just going for walks (as I was standing there barefoot, just feeling the energy coming up through my body). The one that couldn’t stop, said she goes for walks all the time, but is an avid speed walker. Although in pretty decent shape, she didn’t realize she was missing the beauty of taking your time to experience the journey. The other, with normal aging issues, couldn’t walk or be active like she used to, so wouldn’t even get started.

I began to talk about stopping to smell the roses, and the significance of it. See; “stop and smell the roses” is soooo much more than just a cliché. The simple action of stopping allows one to connect to the earth and come fully into their body. When we stop to smell the rose itself, we are already out of our mind and lost in the experience of life. At this moment, and it seems most close their eyes to do it, we bend down and take in a deep breath to feel the full embodiment of the fragrance. This fragrance, and it’s no wonder, is the aroma directly connected to the opening and balancing of the Heart Chakra. After doing such a little thing as “stopping to smell the roses,” is a subconscious longing to get out of the head, and move into the heart, where we have the opportunity to open our eyes and see the world from the place of Source!

I got back in my truck and quickly found myself in Daytona Beach… hmmmm, again: not a place I felt I was supposed to stop! So, I just kept driving down the coast. An hour or 2 later, I saw a sign for Cocoa Beach, and if felt right, so I turned. As I drove I began questioning if I made the right decision, but I kept driving… Finally, not even sure what road or why, I made a Left.  I thought I would just turn around and head back, when there I was in the middle of a group of hotels. Water on all sides, a wonderful pier and lots of restaurants: PERFECT, and I got a room.

Not just any room, a Waterfront Suite. I wanted to be able to see the Sunrise from my room in the morning. I have never allowed myself to pay what I paid for this room. When I did, something inside me kept making me giggle, to the point that the front desk person started to giggle as well. I know she will never understand why what just happened did, or what it really was: but I did.

These Last couple years have been about me letting go of a life of lack and learning to live in the abundance for which I am. Sabotaging jobs my whole life, I am beginning to truly allow myself to experience the life I am worth… not deserve, but WORTH.

Later this morning I will be back on the road, on my way to Fort Lauderdale. I can hardly wait for what is there… but no, yes I can. I will remember (at least for today) to keep breathing, and take my time to stay in the experience of the moment. What will come, will come, whether I deny myself what is now, or allow myself the gift of LIFE and take the time to enjoy the Journey….

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose!!!

Living in the abundance which is already me, sometimes means knowing when to say no to work and money and just allow yourself to be. The lesson began coming yesterday, when my first client of the day cancelled only an hour or so before their appointment. If I wasn’t already booked the rest of the day, I probably would have let it ruin the rest of appointments that I did have on the books; however, because of the circumstances at hand, I just took it as an opportunity to grab a good cup up coffee and find my way to the river bank, then up to the store to buy some supplies that I needed. What originally was a bit of a letdown, quickly turned into a gift of the Universe!

Looking on to my day ahead, I noticed that I had one space open for a 60 min session and a 3.5 hour block in the middle of my day today without any clients. Of course, even with the openings, I still had 4 90 minute sessions booked. It was quickly decided, or understood that I was not supposed to try and fill those spaces, but enjoy the weather and the scenery of Austin… so I pulled my ads and closed my books. This time is about me.

I have always been the type of person who has loved what I do, and if or when I stopped loving it, it became time to find a new job or switch occupations. I have also always been the type of person that believes the old saying, “if you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life!” and “I work to live, not live to work!” However; sometimes, it is easy to get caught up in the paycheck or in the dollar amount, pushing yourself to the point that days, weeks, or even months have gone by without even realizing you have not once experienced any portion of life except work..

Everyone wants to have a little backup, savings, or safety net (whatever you choose to call it).  But what are those things really? Isn’t the fixation or obsession in savings, nothing but an idea that is culminated from the ego and a place of fear? Fear that something may go wrong in the future. And then what? Like I have the ability to prevent financial hardship if that is the lesson that I need in order for my own personal or spiritual growth.

The need for a security blanket, is nothing more in a disconnections from the root chakra, or the aspect of self “Security”. Material attachment stems from the idea that my safety is reliant on something outside of myself. It is an idea that is lacking in the understanding of abundance and oneness.

All is ONE… the mantra of the root chakra. When we are living in the oneness of creation and in the foundation of self, there is no need for worry or fear, for you know from deep down within, whatever happens in life, you are safe and all of your needs will be taken care of.

When I left my apt back on Apr 30, and set out on this trip after giving away and selling all of my belongings, I knew I was in for the journey of a lifetime, a journey of self discovery and lessons that would change the way I experienced and viewed life forever. I did not set out on a 7 week journey cross the US, to live every day in a hotel room healing others; I set out to experience what life had to offer. Getting caught up in perception of lack, while in Denver, I missed opportunities to meet up with friends and experience the city again. I almost did it again here in Austin. That is the beauty of Conscious Awakening, you can awaken to the moment at any time, for all that truly exists is NOW. I have now also already closed off my books in Houston. I have plenty of clients booked: more than enough to pay for that leg of the trip as well as get a little further ahead. What more could a person ask for, unless they are living in a place of lack, forgetting the abundance which is nothing more than life… The rest, is nothing more than greed or materialism camouflaged with a Band-Aid  of misconception, created by the ego.

Pause, Breathe, feel your feet, and you will find your light: the light of self, the light of vertical connection to all that is, where all is one. In this moment of connection to self, you have the ability to see and experience all places of horizontal attachment, and the choice to detach or disconnect, freeing you to experience and live in the abundance that is you. You are Love! You are Light! You are Perfection! Give yourself the gift of this moment and allow yourself to observe and experience the abundance that is you, and the abundance you are worth!

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

2^nd chance to get it RIGHT… Finishing up a client in Dallas a few days ago, I was loading my table into the back of my truck. Out of nowhere I noticed a specific smell in the air. I paused to figure out what the smell was. Then it hit me…

11 years ago got rid of all my belongings, I in Denver, to go on a 3 week road trip cross country to Florida, hoping to start over. Running from what my life had begun. I had only received my HIV+ test result only 7 months before. I was in denial, not of being HIV+, but of the emotions that came with it. I had already begun dealing drugs as a means to subsidize my own drug use. Only 3 years ago, I wasn’t following a calling or fulfilling my purpose but running from the life I had learned to despise and the person I had become.

The smell of the city, as the heat of the streets meets the cool moisture of the night air. It was a smell that came around about the time we were running around, sometimes 4-5 nights a week, making sure we were all heading to the right clubs, making sure that we had all of our supplies, & making sure we had everything we needed to have fun… TO HAVE FUN???

All at once, the emotions were coming over me once again. Once again I was the “me” that had the decision to face my truth or hide. At first, I’m not going to lie; I immediately went to my old stomping grounds. I walked around. I cruised for someone to validate who I was. Then as quickly as it hit, I began to breathe and look around. I began to look within. This is not who I am anymore. I no longer have to seek for something or someone to make me complete or for validation. I continued to walk around for a time, just observing, experiencing all that I am, and experiencing that I do have the ability to hold onto my vibration no matter where I am, or what is going on. It became clear to me that I am worth more than a one night stand, or false validation from someone who probably won’t even remember my name the next day. I am worth waiting for that one who I have a connection beyond that of physical attraction. I am worth waiting for that person who is complete within himself who is not looking for me to fix them or fill a void in their life, but share in the completeness of both of our lives. I am worth the fairytale.

Going back to my mom’s house, head spinning I went to bed. I woke up to an amazing weekend, helping my wonderful little nephew celebrate his 7^th birthday. He is truly my little guy. In so many ways I see myself in him, but at the same time a individual searching for who he is, and to know he is worth the love of those around him, still unsure of what unconditional love is. A night out with friends, taking him with me was amazing. These are friends I met and worked with at the end of my addiction. Sitting around, a couple married with a child of their own, some dating, all of us sober, laughing, reminiscing and having a good time. We realized we had known each other for 8 years this summer. Wow… So many changes, so much growth, so much truth has been discovered: not just in me, but in everyone.

Tomorrow, I will finally make it beyond TX, in my journey cross country. This time I am not running, but stepping out in faith. I am finally saying yes to the life I was meant to live. Finally I am saying yes to who I am and that of my purpose.

When I stepped out on this journey cross country, I thought it was a journey into my future, I had no idea that to move into my future, I would have to walk through that of my past to truly find out if I am ready for what is about to come. Have I truly done the work on my past, or have I simply suppressed all that was to forge a truth of who I am. Every day, I realize how much work I have actually done, and how much work is still left to go.

This morning, I filmed a scene for the movie Red Krokodil. I have to say, this scene couldn’t have been planned for a more fitting place. Lost in my addiction on Krokodil, I cannot move, and am obviously in some of the final stages of despair and self destruction, where hope is basically nonexistence. And, to be able to wrap that scene, knowing that it is truly no longer who and what I am, is truly a huge gift, and testament to what is possible when you are willing to do the work.

Life is never easy, for it is always about choice, at least when you are truly living and learning to become the creator of your own reality instead of just the victim of your own life.

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

Leaving Denver, to drive over night to surprise mom yesterday for mother’s day, seems I was going to be the one with a surprise… and they just kept coming. Since getting my Master Certification in Reiki, it seems as if the universe or energies are attacking me to see if I have truly earned that of the Reiki Master title.

So the way down, I decided at the last minute, to take a different route than normal… big mistake. Every few miles, there seemed to be another little small town, with slowing down and speeding up. At no point was I able to just go into auto pilot mode and cruise to my destination.

Needless to say there was also road construction everywhere: Also another reason cruise or auto pilot was never able to kick in. So, driving along, another road construction zone, 70 mph down to 30 over less than a 1/4 mile. I made it through the what appeared to be the work zone, it was dark and a speed limit sign was approaching. Assuming it was going to be back up to 45, since I was obviously 47 out of the constructions zone, I began to speed up. I had just gotten to about 47 mph and the sign said 30 again. DAMN, and there’s the cop. My fist speeding ticket in over 10 years… I sort of chuckled, sort of annoyed, it got better.

The officer then walks up to my vehicle, I had him all my info and he takes like 30 mins to come back with my ticket. I think they intentionally take their time since they figure you must be in a hurry since you were speeding, and because I’m sure it gets boring sitting in their car hours and hours on end.

But then… he comes back. First he asked what I do for a living, where I am heading, my SSN, and a contact phone. As far as I know, none of that was any of his business. So, I decided to have some fun, I was already getting a ticket.

Officer: Sir, what do you do for a living?

me: I’m a healer and channel

(looking rather confused) Officer: Where are you going?

me: Wherever Spirit guides me, right now, this direction.

Officer: SSN?

Me: **** (I only gave him the last 4, telling him that was all I had memorized, and all the information he needed should be on the drivers license).

I really don’t think he was very happy with me, but I didn’t seem to like the guy too much, so decided to only give him what I legally had too… He didn’t need to know any of the rest of my business.

So, I start driving again, stopping every couple small towns for more coffee and gas when it was cheep. Then…. as I’m stopping at one point, to grab some blankets out of the back of my truck to bring to the cab for a makeshift bed to grab a couple hours sleep once I find a rest stop, I here a small pop, almost like a car door shut, but nobody was there. I close up the back of my explorer, and climb into the cab. When I start driving through the lot, something was feeling wrong.

A NAIL IN THE TIRE…

Some guy was there getting gas, so offered to come over and help… thank God, come to find out, I didn’t have the rod to release my spare tire. Once we got my tire off, he suggested we just take the tire to to the shop up the road and try to get it repaired. Only it was a Semi shop… they couldn’t fix the tire… hmmmm

So we went inside and bout a plugging kit. I learned how and plugged my own tire. I gave the guy $40 for helping me out, he had been up for like 4 days partying, and only had some pot. He offered it to me, but I said no thanks… funny how the universe puts some of the most interesting energies in our path to give us the opportunity to live in our light and see just how much judgment is still trapped within our energy fields. I guess I was soooooo tired and just done with the fight from Denver, it was easy.

By now, I was flying, blood was pumping and so I started driving. I should have thought to stop at the next rest area, but I was good to go. Next thing I knew the sun was coming up, and not wanting to just pull onto the shoulder of the road, I waited for the next rest stop.

Finally, but the sun was already breaking the horizon. I got in a couple hours sleep and made it into Ft Worth around 1, picked up flowers and surprised mom. And now a busy week of clients and families… more to come. But hopefully I’ve gotten the crap out of the way, and will start listening to my guides a little better.

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

A story of full circle, A story of ego, and a story of attachments… I was intending the title of this blog to be Rockin in the Rockies, but unfortunately sometimes the school of hard knocks is also a  means to understanding.

Denver is the place I have always felt was home. It is the rock of my coming out as an adult and in that of my development. So much of my life started and ended in Denver, I guess it was only right that Denver would be much more than just another stop along my trip.

By the time I pulled into town, I already had a completely booked client roster for the first few days. But clients, although nice, were not the primary purpose of my trip. My intent of Denver was to take enough clients to refill the account and accommodate for all expenses I had acquired during my trip thus far. I only wanted a couple clients a day. I wanted to spend my time, revisiting the city and visiting with old friends, seeing where they were in their lives and catch up.

Unfortunately the idea of making money and making Denver a profit became such an easy thing to attach too. Especially after breaking my camera in the Sand Dunes and having to buy a new one: a mishap ending up in an extra $400 expense not accounted for in my budget. I was now basing my sense of safety and security on an attachment  to work and an attachment to earning forgetting that as long as I look only for the security from within, and seeking only in the abundance that I am all else would be taken care of. Day 2 of being in Denver, what a mess.  By 5 pm I had 2 last minute cancellations and a no show. UGH… Not thinking my day could get any worse, my next client showed up… late of course…

The second my hands touched his back, his butt flew up in the air. My higher self came in and told me to end the session. I could tell and feel that this was not going to work. I could tell and feel that what he was here for was not a massage. I knew immediately that he had not read the description of my work and was wanting something completely opposite of what it was that I offer in my sessions. I can’t really blame him, fully. It has been a well know fact that men’s massage was never just a massage, gay or straight. But once again, I chose to ignore that which I was being guided to do (end the session) and continued. His attempts to get more than just a massage continued to grow in forwardness, and I was getting nowhere except frustrated. I had already had 3 clients not come in, and “needed the money.” ROFL…. There has never been a time when I have followed the guidance of the universe and not been taken care of. It is only when I ignore that of the universe and follow the control of my ego that I get in trouble and ensure my own misalignment.

By the time the session was over, I was completely disconnected and barely going through the motions. He was obviously not happy with the session either. Thinking if he stayed for the 90 min session, he would get a little more, he asked if he could extend. I had another client coming and told him no… not that I would have extended at that point anyhow, I was no longer working from a place of Love and Light, but from a place of ego and disconnection. He handed me the money “I had to have” and left… Quickly I realized that he had shorted me on the payment too. UGH…

Over the next 3 days I had 2 more last minute cancellations and one more no show, for a total of 6. This is more in just 4 days in one city than I have had in the last year combined. But why, why now? Maybe because I was totally out of my own alignment and the more misaligned I became the more I continued to attract this energy. I am the result of my own creation, I am not the victim, but his week I was the victim and that was the energy I was attracting.

Because my foundation of being was so rocked, I couldn’t find balance in anything. I began to seek out hookups ect. Of course, the universe stood in the way, at almost every turn, and thank “God”. That is not who I am, or what I want in my life.

When I left Denver 5 years ago, I was only 2 months sober off a 6 year Crystal Meth addiction. And now back, I realized there was still things trapped in my field I had not yet dealt with. Denver was now the mirror of those things within me that I had suppressing within. I found myself on line at all hours, trying to find a fix of validation, only to find myself feeling more and more empty… more and more seeking something to fill the void now known as my truth.

This morning, sa I finished my second client, it hit me. Coming into Denver, I knew I only needed to make about $1200 to recover all I had spent so far on my trip (including to replace the camera). And that…. is exactly what I had made even with the cancellations. I had based my foundation not on the experiences of self, but on a financial gain. I was disconnected from all that I am, and as a result, didn’t have time to even connect with part of the people I had wanted to. Yes, those who cancelled had a responsibility unto themselves for their actions and that what they were putting into the universe; but, it was my attachment to the outcome that is what affected my alignment, not them. Had I took a moment to realize, pause, breathe and take a look at what was really going on rather than what my ego was telling me was going on, I probably would have felt none of the effects, and would have remained translucent to that which was around me, also probably ending the vibration causing my discomfort.

This is truly ending up being far more than just work trip cross country. It is my biggest test in the understanding of who I am. It is easy to remain steady and in the alignment of self when you are in an environment you have created; but, how do you maintain it when all around you is unfamiliar and foreign…. As I tell my clients, ask yourself, “Can I feel my feet?” See, its impossible to be in your head and in your body at the same time, by asking, “Can I feel my feet?” you are giving yourself that moment to come down energetically out of your head and connecting to your physical plane of existence through your connection to the Earth. You are giving yourself a moment of breath and a moment of pause…. You are giving yourself a MOMENT, and in that MOMENT you being to experience life, for in the MOMENT, is the only place life is actually happening, not the past of the future, but NOW. Anyhow, I am off for today. See you all in Dallas!

And Remember: Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

Let me take a moment from my journey to remember one of the reasons I am able to walk this road of faith today…

To My Momther,

There are not words to express the appreciation I hold for you deep in my heart. A Child is considered a child with the first beat of their heart, but it was your heart that gave me life, and your heart that stayed open to me despite the life I once tried to destroy.

Everything I ever learned and value today, I learned through you and the lessons you taught me.

You taught me my truth, you guided my way and you knew my light even when I knew only darkness.

It is to you, that I owe all that I am today. I remember as a child, you never taught me I can’t, you only taught me consequences. You taught me to be the best me I could be; unfortunately, I took that literally, even when being an ass. And somehow, you still loved me anyhow.

You taught me, spirituality is not about what you do on Sunday, but what you do every other day of the week. You taught me it was not about saying the right prayers, and asking for forgiveness:  it was about opening my heart and treating others with love and kindness… without judgment.

You taught me it wasn’t about winning; it was about giving it everything I have, and having fun.

You taught me to laugh despite the pain.

You taught me to stand tall, and to stand up for what I believe.

You taught me to have a voice, and how to speak my truth.

You taught me it was not only ok to be who I was, but it was imperative to be who I was if I was ever going to find happiness.  And although it has taken me my whole life, up till now, to even begin figuring out who that was, you have loved me and stood by me anyhow.

I remember when I came out, and I remember later what you said to me, “It doesn’t hurt me or bother me that you’re gay, it bothers me and hurts me that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me sooner.”  You always loved me, not always liked me, but always loved me, for you always knew the real me, the me I am today.

When we found out, I was no longer just HIV+ but had my first AIDS diagnosis; it was you that said, “its ok, WE’RE going to make it!” And, every morning at 10 am, my phone would ring, “Rise and Shine, time to take your MAGIC PILLS.” You never let me give up, and you never gave up on me. It was that choice in perception and helped me realize what unconditional love was, and how to dream again.

It was you who taught me that everything will work out exactly the way it’s supposed to! And even though it may not be the way I want it too, it’ll still works out.

You taught me that life is about perception, and you can either dwell in the sorrow and darkness, or you can take a breath and start over.

You taught me that it was ok to feel, and ok to express those feelings without guilt or shame, but you also taught me that to allow those feelings to define you, will get you nowhere.

You taught me to take a breath before I speak (even though I have many times forgotten that, and learned the taste of my own foot well), and yelling is not speaking.

I know there are many things I have forgotten, and what I have put, only touches the surface.

I am my Truth, my light and my way, and you are my teacher, my friend, my guide, and my mom.

I love you more than you will ever know. Thank you for being my Momther, and thank you for being you!

Happy Mother’s Day

And Remember, Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose! (See you soon)

Where to begin… after 2 days of incredible energy lifting me up, I could have never prepared for what happened next. A drive down memory lane to Alamosa CO. This is the city I where I first came out. This is the city where I learned how much persecution I was going to receive for the rest of my life simply for being honest with who I was, and no longer being willing to lie about my sexual orientation: denying myself the happiness of love to make those around me comfortable. I was only going to be there for the night, as in the morning I was going to be filming a scene in the Great Sand Dunes of Southern Colorado, just miles outside of Alamosa. The Town didn’t even look the same. It had blossomed with stores, restaurants, as well as people. It was Sunday evening around 8 when I got into town, and even though the town had grown, it felt like a ghost town. There was nobody.

After a long sit in the hot tub recovering from the almost 9 hr drive, I just went to bed. I needed to sleep. I have been going non stop for the last few months preparing for this trip. A drive down memory lane to Alamosa CO. This is the city I where I first came out. This is the city where I learned how much persecution I was going to receive for the rest of my life simply for being honest with who I was, and no longer being willing to lie about my sexual orientation: denying myself the happiness of love to make those around me comfortable. I was only going to be there for the night, as in the morning I was going to be filming a scene in the Great Sand Dunes of Southern Colorado, just miles outside of Alamosa. The Town didn’t even look the same. It had blossomed with stores, restaurants, as well as people. It was Sunday evening around 8 when I got into town, and even though the town had grown, it felt like a ghost town. There was nobody.

I have been going non stop for the last few months preparing for this trip. When I woke to my alarm going off, I could barely open my eyes. It had felt as if I had barely fallen asleep. I finally climbed out of bed, to go get something to eat and head to the Sand Dunes to film a scene to look like I was lost in the desert for “Red Krokodile”. I had calculated exactly the amount of time I would need for the drive to the location, Hike in, and time for filming.

It was 45’ outside, couded, and wind gusts of between 60-80mph. Sand felt like needles piercing my skin with every breath.  But, I made it… I found the perfect spot. I set up, took off my clothes with sand piercing my skin. I thought I had my frame set, but filming myself, it was hard to tell. Take one. It went perfect. It didn’t  feel like acting. The fear of being lost in such a vast area of devastation and annihilation, over came my body and my mind. At one point, I didn’t think I could walk any further. As I paused, the wind caught me, my knees buckled and next thing I knew I was tumbling down one of the Dunes, first ronlling then a couple times almost head over heals I hit the bottom. I layed there, cold and hurting, but knowing I had to get up to reshoot the scene from a different point of view.

I gathered my wits and reset the camera. Upon checking my frame I realized that the lens was jammed with sand and the camera was done. Feeling as if I failed, ego screaming at me, I packed up and headed back to the truck. I almost felt lost, I could no longer see what was in front of me. I had to stop. Check in whith my own light and ask for guidance. trusting my own understanding and feeling what was the right direction I continued… 45 mins later I made it back to the truck. My eyes were burning from the sand scraping against my corneas and in what felt like every nook and cranny of my body.

I began to drive on to Denver. I felt as if I had failed. But what is failure in a world of nothing but perfection. I still don’t know what the lessons were there, and not sure I will. I did get one scene and only time will tell if the footage is even usable.

I have to buy a new camera. Because of the sand, it will cost as much to fix as it will to buy a new one. I hope I can get it before I have to film my next scene along this trip.

But, I didn’t have time to think about this or dwell in what didn’t happen, I was booked solid for my first 2 days in Denver with healing clients: with my first client only an hour from the time I was scheduled to arrive.

I remember stopping at one point during the drive to overlook the amazement of beauty while driving over the snow covered mountain between Garland and Walsenburg CO. Barefoot and shirtless, I pulled over,got outside and took some shots. I couldn’t even feel the cold under my feet, only the power of truth that was below me. In all of this beauty that was around me in this moment, I couldn’t even fathom allowing myself go back into the label of failure trying so hard by my ego to put on me.

I could breathe again. I could see the beauty of what is. I was connected and grounded. I could once again feel my feet and my inner light was shining. I was no longer attached to what had happenbed and know that what is supposed to happen will as long as I get out of the way and allow it. Fear and worry is only energy wasted and keeping me disconnected from spirit.

I am not what happens around me. It is not my job to judge what isn’t but live in the glory of what is. All in all, I know that somehow it will all work out. I will be taken care of… I have to be, I am one in all that is, and one within the perfection of the Love and Light of my own Divine Creation.

With a break in my schedule I sit here in the most beautiful and green park in Denver, the Mile High City, wind of the crisp mountain spring air blowing in my face. All is beautiful, all is perfect, because today, I choose to take a moment, Breathe, reconnect Vertically and allow myself to simple be the observer of my own experience of all that is going on around me.

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose

After my trip began with an unexpected but beautiful change of plans: Sunset over Lake Havasu, instead of going through Phoenix, I should have known nothing was going to go as planned. The drive from Lake Havasu seemed like it would never end. To the point, that somewhere between Flagstaff AZ and Sedona, i finally had to pull over on the side of the road and crash. It was going to be too late to try to find a hotel, and heck, I’ve slept in worse places. What happened next, I could never have prepared for.

I would close my eyes, and as I would enter that state of in between (beta state). I would begin to feel and see my root chakra spinning in the most brilliant red. This energy continued to spiral from my root chakra to my crown chakra: Orange, yellow, green, light blue, indigo and purple, till the energy was electric, and all of a sudden there would be an explosion of energy through my entire body and I would fall asleep. This happened 3-5 times at least throughout the night! Pretty much every time I would have to re-situate myself.

The next morning I woke to the sun coming over the ridge. When I looked around I was in the middle of this incredible canyon, and only 5 minutes from the bridge that marked the Entering Sedona sign.
I knew my first thing I needed to do was find coffee and some breakfast, but it was only 5:30. after driving around I went back to my spot and slept till 7. By now the  city was popping. I decided to go hiking and try to find some places that would work for filming the scene I was supposed to film for Red Krokodil, a movie being produced and directed by Domiziano Christopharo. Didn’t find what I was looking for, but found some incredible places to hike. After scaling a rock formation in bare feet and sandals I made it to the top. When I raised my arms to the sky an energy began to pour through my body. I began to sing out, but it was just notes. I could hear their vibration inside me, then my voice would follow. As the notes were building in intensity, the wind began to follow. All of a sudden I felt like I was conducting a symphony of sound and nature. The crescendo, then the climax… I could hardly maintain my balance as the energy and notes poured from my body. Then it stopped: the notes, the wind the energy. I was at peace. and i knew what I had come to that point for, had happened.
By this point in my journey I have learned not to ask questions but just go with it. I will usually figure out what it means later, or maybe not; but, either way it was amazing.
I made it back down to my truck when all of a sudden some lady, who was driving by, hit her breaks and came back. She pulled up and asked if I was the one up above. Come to find out, you could hear and feel what was happening for miles. She had taken a picture and thanked me, saying through watching me and hearing me, it was such an inspiration. To this point, I’m still not sure what all happened.

There was one more place I wanted to check out as a possibility for a place to film, but by the time I got back to my room and spoke with the director, it was too late. I could no longer get a park pass for the next day. I couldn’t search out any other places to like that night because I needed a pass to get to the trails. It looked as if I was going to have to extend my stay in Sedona another day. But that wasn’t part of my plan… lol my plan…

So the next morning I am up and off. I have my coffee, I had breakfast, reserved my room another day, got a permit and away I went. But not to where I thought I was going. I saw a series of peaks off in a totally different part of town. Come to find out it was Cathedral Rock. But, I wanted to go around the back side. I figured it would be much less crowded. and although I did see a couple hikers, for the most part I had the entire range to myself. Just me, my Video camera and energy. It wasn’t long before I found myself standing on another peak singing. This time it was different… the energies kept jumping from masculine to feminine. Even my voice octaves were changing with the energy flowing through my body. And again, like the day before: as quick as it started it was over. Neither the energy or the singing happen again, at any other points, along any of my other hikes.
I found the spots I was looking for…. filmed scenes in 3 places. Rock climbing barefoot and running naked through vortexes, I was alive.
It was only 1:30 by the time I made it back to my truck. I had one more place I wanted to go, but not till sunset, or shortly there before. I wanted that energy of just before the sun begins to break.

I picked up a new friend to help me film. after I got him to scale a part of the rock, definitely not intended for hikers, we made it… and we went higher and higher till it seemed like I was on top of the world. As I reached out my hand, it was as if I was reaching right into the energy of the sun, and we were one. I was one with the rock, the sun, the wind. It was like magic.
We filmed the scene and headed back just in time to catch the sunset. and the biggest and most beautiful full moon coming over the opposite horrizon.
If I had my way, I would have already been gone and missed it all… oops
Someone told me a long time ago, the easiest way to make “GOD” Laugh, is to tell him you had a plan.
So many times in our lives we are so unsure of that of our foundation that we grab hold of ideas or things outside of ourselves to make us feel safe. But what happens when that which you are holding on to, disappears. Do you allow yourself to feel, and go with the flow? Are you able to continue to stand in your own light knowing everything will be just fine as long as you stay out of your own way and just allow life to happen.
What I am talking about here are the first 2 aspects of self or the first 2 chakras. I love how the beginning of my journey begins with opportunities to check my foundation, and see just how flexible I am. This trip is not about me, that is perfectly clear, but how I allow myself to follow spirit, and that of my guides. What am I willing to let go of to find peace, and in what ways is my ego still attached to the material world in a way that I am not able to find my own light.

As I stood on those peaks singing, and just standing with my hands extended into the universe and the loving breath of creation blowing my face, I feel as if I am beginning to understand the purpose of life, and what if feels like to truly live.

All is ONE, Honor ONE Another, Honor MySelf, Love is the Divine Power, and Surrender Self will to the Power of the Divine (LOVE)…. Through the mastery of these mantras, the mantras of all the physical aspects of self, You have the ability to Soar. Soar through your consciousness and soar to a place of truth within your own life.

Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose!

Here I sit, on a mound of rock and dirt, overlooking Lake Havasu and watching the first sunset of the rest of my life. Every moment, I have ever lived for, has lead to this point in time. And let me tell you… the last few days have been some of the hardest I have ever experienced. Letting go, while a battle between Ego, Faith and Surrender began.
Letting go of all that is safe: Letting go of all that is familiar: Letting go of anything and everything I once held onto that defined who and what I was. Sunday I turned in the keys to my apt, and by choice, am now homeless! Or, as my mom insists to look at it as, A Vagabond! Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING I own, fits in the back of my SUV!
For the last 3 days acid filled my stomach and my throat. Ignoring the emotions of experience being shared with friends of past and present, while saying good bye, I was making myself sick. I know, Emotions are nothing more than your Spirit’s way of saying “Hey stupid, pay attention to me. Slow Down! Take a moment and BREATHE!” It’s not that hard, but why couldn’t I do it?
Why? Because, I was at this point in my life that I can no longer see beyond what was in front of me. I was at that point in my life, where I was blind, and in the blindness I was being asked to walk in faith. This morning, I was running to the bathroom probably ever 30 minutes. I was scheduled to leave by 8, and didn’t get out of town till 1. I was scared. Scared not because I didn’t know that everything was going to be ok, but because once again, I had forgotten that I was worth the life I was given.
Setting out on a 7 week road trip across the US, still unclear of the path or direction I will follow, I left Los Angeles, CA. When I arrived in LA almost 5 years ago, I was beginning my journey of self discovery. I had no idea this is where I would end up. Only 2 months sober, from a 6 year Crystal Meth addiction, I landed in LA. I knew only 2 people in the whole city, who were putting me up. Over the course of the next 3 months, I began to go to 12 step meetings, meeting people, and learning how to live. By the End of the first 3 months in LA I had over 250 phone numbers in my phone of people I had met, who were willing to help me in any way they could to figure out how to live again.
No longer a part of that program, I will be eternally grateful for the tools of self discovery that were offered to me to find my path of spiritual understanding and Conscious Awakening. This is not the life I had ever hoped for. It is not the life I could have ever imagined for myself, and definitely not the life I would have ever tried to manifest. But here I sit, in the middle of a life that is beyond me, and beyond my wildest dreams. I am living a life of yes. A life of limitations and I can’t no longer exist. I am open to the abundance of all that is, for I know, understand and feel that abundance within me… for it is me, as it is ALSO YOU.
A couple months ago, a dear friend asked me, “What is the biggest obstacle you have had to overcome to get where you are today.” Upon sitting for a second, I realized that it was a 2 part answer. First, I had to realize that I had a “Life Worth Living”. Not just going through the motions of, but actually living. Once I began to understand what it meant to be living my life, and great things began happening within and all around me part 2 happened. I finally had to come to believe that “I WAS WORTH THE LIFE I WAS GIVEN!”
I remember the first time I heard those words come out of my mouth, “I am WORTH the life I was given!” I could hardly finish saying the words. My throat began to close up. My heart began to pound. Tears began to well up in my eyes. But finally, I said it.
This last couple weeks, has been about realizing just what I am worth. I know today, I am worth more than my things. I am worth more than my ego will allow me to feel. I am worth all the universe has to offer, for I am one with all things. I am LOVE, I am LIGHT, and I am PERFECTION>
Don’t get me wrong, I am not separate from my ego, I still make bad decision, I still get caught up in the world of attachment: to people, ideas, things and allow that horizontal attachment take me away from my vertical alignment of SELF. But, most importantly, I also know that it is only the person that I am in this moment that has the ability to learn and understand the lessons that are before me that will allow me to fulfill my purpose. Today, I am a single beat of my heart. Today, I am the gentle flow of the breath of creation. Today, I am the creator of my own truth, rather than the victim of my own life.

And Remember: Have a Great Day (or not) You Choose!!!